I've been reading some of this stuff on here. And WOW.
I decided to write this to those of you who wanna know what the right age is...and especially for Teens TTC. It's not meant to be targeted to those of you who got pregnant by accident.
To all the 12-16 year olds, please read this. I know it's long but I know where you're coming from. I'm 19 and I had my daughter when I was 16. And yes it was planned. I love her but it was still the worst decision of my life. I could have made my little girl's life so much better if I had waited. I was selfish and dumb, and she will end up paying for that. I'm ashamed of that fact.
I plan on being a writer someday, that's why this is kinda long. Writing is a passion. But I promise it's from the heart.
What's the right age to have a baby?
1. When you are physically ready.
You should know your body and be able to take care of it. You should be making efforts to eat healthy and exercise, and treat your body like the temple it is. You should be passed the stage of getting piercings and tattoos in dangerous situations. Meaning, if you to decide to get them you go to an approved place of business and make sure it uses all necessary precautions.
You should be past your drug curiousity stage and your "lets get wasted every week whoooo!" stage. Some people never go through this, but some do. If you have any sort of chemical love affairs, you need to be healed of that before you think of bringing a child into this world. My mother smoked cigarettes the whole time she was pregnant with me and I had crippling asthma the first 12 years of my life. I know a girl who couldn't quit her 4 a Day Blunt (Weed) Habit and her baby was stillborn. If you don't think you can quit substances when you're pregnant, you don't need to be TTC.
2. When you are emotionally ready.
It's a well known fact that adding another person to a drama situation, doesn't make for less drama. It simply adds to it.
If you are depressed, sad, suicidal (yes I know people who are suicidal and TTC) you must try to get the issues worked out before you have a baby. A baby isn't going to make you feel better...if you have a chemical imbalance you need help. A professional's help, not a baby. Then once you get the help you deserve you should reconsider having a child.
Basically I don't know what to say about this other than having a baby won't take away any of your worries. It won't cure a sucky situation. It won't make someone who doesn't wanna love you, love you.
3. When you're...mature!
Before you have a baby you should be educated. I don't necessarily mean school, I just mean that if worse comes to worse, you could live alone. This means you know how to read and write. You know how to find a job. You know how to shop for yourself, prepare your own meals, do your own laundry. You should know how to drive and if you can't, you should know how to ride a bus.
If you can't take care of yourself in these basic ways, how hard is it gonna be for you to take care of a baby?
4. When you're in a committed relationship, or preferably married.
To those of you in high school...a committed relationship is not 1 month. You cannot possibly know all you need to know about someone in weeks. If you think you do, you're infatuated. A lot of teen girls confused being infatuated and horny with being in love. The butterflies in stomach, rapid heartbeat...horniess lol. I'm not lying.
Love takes time. You need to know how your partner will handle stress over time. You need to know if they have any addictions. You need to make sure they would never be violent to you. You couldn't possibly know all that in a month.
I'd say...if you haven't been with a man for AT LEAST a year, you don't know half of what he truly is. So if you TTC with someone like that, you're taking a chance.
5. When you're financially stable.
Okay this one makes me quite irritated.
There's nothing wrong with welfare. There's no shame in needing help. I've actually been on welfare and still am.
But do...not...depend on the state...to take care of your child.
I know girls who think that once they have their baby... they're gonna get free housing, WIC, food stamps, and basically everything they could possibly want. A lot of people never even think about getting jobs because they know how well welfare will take care of them. So they have baby after baby and never attempt to try and gain financial indepedence.
First, let me tell you something about the government. It's unstable. You may think you're gonna get all those benefits because your cousin did...but guess what babe. THERE'S NO GUARANTEE. So if you're depending on that stuff and it doesn't come through...and your baby needs Pampers...what are you gonna do? And yes, I personally know people whose WIC checks got "lost in the mail" and they have no other way to feed their child. You always gotta have a back up plan!
Second...you do not want that kind of life for yourself. Trust me. It all seems easy, laying back and cashing checks. But eventually you will want a career. You will want to make something of yourself. You will want out of those low income apartments. But by that time, it might be too late.
Welfare shouldn't be an end all be all. It should be assistance for those trying to do well for themselves.
Do not depend on your parents or relatives to take care of your child. I know a teenager feels like their loved ones will last forever. But they don't. You can never be sure how much longer a person is going to be able to help you. Let's say you depend on parents to take care of your child...something happens to your parents. Could you cope? Would you know what to do? This is a cold reality of life. I'm 19 years old and my father has less than 5 years to live because of cancer. My mother died when I was 13.
6. Not for the wrong reasons.
I know a lot people conceive children for various reasons important to them, and that's fine. But there are some wrong reasons too.
1. To keep a guy. Classic mistake! Ask anyone who's tried this. It's not worth it.
2. Because babies are cute. Yeah they are. I think monkeys are cute but I have no business trying to raise them.
3. You wanna be cool. Teenagers having babies is really "in" right now. You see it all over TV. Has that every been a good reason to do anything? Be real now. A lot of people wanna be able to say "I'm a strong single mother" so they can feel unique. Let me tell you something girls, you're already strong. You don't need the struggle of having a baby for people to believe that.
4. You want attention. That's a natural urge of teens. Fine! Dye your hair blue. Dress like a pirate. Make good grades and wow everyone. Wear a shirt with emo sayings. If your parents and friends don't pay you any attention, so what? Having a baby and having everyone dote on you will feel good. But after you have the baby and everyone's had their chance to hold it...guess how much attention you get? What about when the baby is a terrible 2? People don't ooh and ahh over that.
5. Because you want something to love. Okay I hear this argument all the time. "I may not have a lot but I can give my baby love and that's the most important thing!" Your right. Love is important. But that's glamourizing love.
So let's say, I adopted you as you are right now. I dressed you up in a potato sack. Literally thats all I can afford. The only thing I ever gave you to eat was grits. My house had no TV, no internet. You wouldn't have a cell phone. I don't have a car so you gotta walk 2 miles to school. I'm not there for you because I go to school full time and work.
But I LOVE YOU. You're my precious little thing and and you're happy! Right? I know that's a little extreme. But if you think love is all it takes to make a child's life complete...can you say the same for yourself?
I love my daughter all day BUT SHE DESERVES THINGS I CANNOT GIVE HER. And that's breaks my heart! ↓
For those who are not yet a member, Register and become a part of our close-knit forum community.
Name: jennifer_33106 | Date: Oct 17th, 2007 9:52 PM
Wow. Right on the dot. But I do wanna say, This shouldl not just go out to teens 12-16 it should go out to all women and men alike. whether you are 16 or 33 you should read this. Very interesting. Good Job. ↑
Name: sophie elise | Date: Oct 20th, 2007 2:04 AM
well put, Carmensmom. I think you'll make a fine writer:) I also agree with Jennifer that this applies to women of all ages. I am 23 and meet all of these "conditions" and chose to have my baby because my husband and I felt ready to start a family, but it's so much more work than anyone could have ever prepared us for. I don't know how anyone at any age can do it on their own, and I certainly give props to those who are able to. I hope that your post makes some people reconsider their decisions to TTC at the wrong time. Good job. ↑
Name: docbytch | Date: Oct 21st, 2007 11:31 PM
I am 40 Carmensmom and I see relevance in your argument that applies to everyone equally. Perhaps an addendum I would add to your post might be that women who want to have babies should be doing so hopefully with a man they consider more relevant than a mere sperm donor. Kids deserve to know their fathers as much as their mothers. ↑
Name: lady jane | Date: Oct 24th, 2007 1:24 PM
wow i actually read this whole thing.... u are soo right! ↑
Name: mjvdec01 | Date: Dec 1st, 2007 1:20 AM
This is probably the most important post on the whole forum!! ↑
Name: Mommy in Progress | Date: Dec 6th, 2007 4:11 AM
I actually read the comments first before reading the essay and decided, what the hey, I'll read it. Wow, good job and very true. I wish all women (and men) would read this before making stupid decisions that affect innocent lives. ↑
Name: mtrose | Date: Jan 2nd, 2008 11:20 PM
Unfortunately though a lot of teenager who want to get pregnant think that they are mature enough and have everything. When I was still a teen I thought I was so mature and so grown up. And a lot of girls say that they aren't into the partying and going out scene but how do they even know that when they aren't even old enough to drink. It would be nice if people had to take a test like you do for a licence before you could have a baby. I still think that teens are too young to have a baby even if they think that they are ready (I am not talking about accidents I commend the girls who are making the best out of what could be a bad situation). There are reasons that you can vote or drink until you are 18 and older because you are still a child yourself. ↑
Name: mizmarissa | Date: Feb 10th, 2008 11:30 PM
I 100% agree!!! I have two kids - I had both young - but a lot of teens fail to realize that babies don't stay babies. Taking care of a baby is easy. Taking care of a two year old is WORK. There will be days you literally want to pull your hair out and you have to be mature enough to handle whatever the situation is. ↑
Name: E586467 | Date: Apr 16th, 2008 3:29 AM
I totally agree. There is no RIGHT age to have a baby, but no matter how old you are what carmensmom said applies to EVERYONE thinking about having a baby. I am 26 & have been with my now husband for 9.5yrs (married for 3yrs). We are financially stable & talked long and hard BEFORE we decided to get preg. We have a 3yr dd & a 10mth ds & yes we are young but couldn't be happier with our decision to have them young. Kids are VERY hard work & everyone (no matter what age) should read this and think long & hard about why they want to have a baby BEFORE they get preg. Well said. ↑
Name: Preggo | Date: Apr 30th, 2008 8:49 PM
CarmensMom, this is commendable and coming from someone that see things the way they were meant to be seen. So glad you decided to make a stand and say this. It needed to be said. I don't think that younger readers would take it as seriously coming from someone in there 30's. It does apply to everyone BUT, its different when your 12-16, living with mom and dad and you have a boyfriend every other month but you want a baby. ↑
Name: cblack | Date: May 5th, 2008 6:45 PM
I too think you will be a great writer one day, heck you are a really good writer now. I could not agree more with your post. My sister was 16 when she got pregnant with her son, and I think many of her reasonings for getting pregnant were for the same reasons you said not to in your post. At the time she was completely happy with having a child, because most of her friends had either already had one or were pregnant at the time. I dont want anyone to think she doesnt love her son, who is now 3, because she loves him dearly. She just regrets why she got pregnant. She said that she has missed out on being a kid herself and now she cant do the things her friends that dont have kids are doing, because she has to be a responsible adult, and parent. I commend her for the mother that she is, she is not on any govt assistance (although she would probably qualify), she is renting a house, and just recently switched jobs to a highly credited finance company. I had my son in September of '07 (I am 23 and DH is 26) and couldnt imagine having had a child at her age. It is harder than it sounds, and is something you should really think about. Thanks for posting this CarmensMom, you sound like you have a really good head on your shoulders, and you will go far in life. :) ↑
heck,I have been married 3 years next month,and we talked for at least 6 months before we started trying for a baby,and I still can't believe how hard it is to take care of a baby.DD will be 13 months Mon. and we love her to death,but I don't know what I would do if I had to raise her and think about money,and where we were gonna live...etc.I am thankful that my husband works so hard to provide for us.Great Job! ↑
Name: catgiggles | Date: May 9th, 2008 2:30 AM
Great job! I am basically just poking around b/c I was bored and decided to read this but you did a wonderful job. My dh and I talked about this sorta after we had our ds. We are older (im 29 he is 33). We were married 9 years before we had our ds and was together a total for 12 years. I had a complicated pregnancy that required them to take my ds early and he had some difficutties. Was in the hospital for awhile and we had a lot of extra stuff to deal w/ the first few months of life. It was all very stressful for us even at the age were were (28 and 32 at the time). We say lots of very young mothers up there at childrens. And we thought how horrible. We had a good support system for each other and it was still so stressful and hard. I could just not imagine going through what we did and only being 16. ↑
Name: britt_m | Date: Jun 4th, 2008 12:18 PM
Wow, kudos to you!! Very well said, tho I agree the age should be extended or applied to all. ↑
Name: Katherine18 | Date: Aug 24th, 2008 9:21 PM
Hi wow i have been looking all over for someone to write something just like you have. Brutally honest! I am 18 years old in a solid relationship with a brilliant guy who i love despite the fact he leaves dishes out and snores during the winter nights, and we are almost engaged to be married, however we are also TTC. I am in my final year of school same with my partner who is super intelligent and is going to university next year (I am following). We have nearly been living together a year now and i have been off the pill for three months. Ever since i was a young girl I have wanted a family of my own that is my dream, not to be the most popular girl in the world, or get trashed every weekend but changed dirty diapers, and watch a young child grow under my watch, care and love. I would give up everything for my children there would never be any argument in the matter. Financially, firstly my partner is so intelligent all his scholarships will put him right through university and leave over at the end enough for a deposit for a house. We have an internet business which is almost up and running and once i have finished my schooling is off to work and saving as much money as possible. Now you may be wondering why the heck is this crazy person telling me all this? Well I have looked over all these sites and i found that many teens TTC are on here asking people: what do you think? I believe if you still need to ask someone what they think about your life then you are not ready. Also I know i am ready (I meet all your 'criteria' by the way) and i am proud of where my life is headed and i wanted to show you that even though I am 18 I may be more mature in heart, mind and spirit than those who are 30 and still haven't settled down. Just a thought :) ↑
Name: s16 | Date: Oct 2nd, 2008 8:25 AM
im 16 and my other half is 23. yeah people tell me in young and that must mean i am not mature enough 2 hav a baby but i only hear that from people who dont no me. me and my boyfriend have been together for over two years and no we are ready he is in the army (which means money is good) and our relationship is strong. i read this and was amazed at how great it was and true and we arnt doing it for any of they wrong reasons i no i am ready. it upsets me that people judge me before even knowing me but thats just what i will have to put up with and i will. im not doing this for a baby because i no they dont stay cute and cuddly i have looked after childern ever since i was 8 years old. just wanted to say that young people can do it. ↑
Name: clindholm | Date: Oct 2nd, 2008 12:28 PM
S16- I understand your position, but looking after older children and being responsible for them 24/7 and having to care for them is completely different. Also a 2 year relationship is not very long at all and financial positions change so just b/c your bf is in the military does not mean that his income alone can support a family of 3. Obviously you will do what you want but try to think of a child before yourself and your feelings. ↑
Name: s16 | Date: Oct 3rd, 2008 9:06 AM
i understand all these things.. i no money maybe there one day and gone the next.. the child will always come before me i no that and i believe i can five it everything it needs.. i no older childern are so much differnt i look after many different age ranges and i no i will hav this child 24/7 but i truly believe i can do this.. thank you so much for commenting back clindholm.. ↑
