hello,
from reading these posts i can see i am not alone. i have problems when my wife has to see a male ob/gyn. i get extremely hostile and feel a lot of anxiety about it, even if i go with her. there was a few negative experiences that we have had, one being the second child we had. we came to the hospital and they basically forced a male medical student on us. i objected about this to the head nurse, but they still did not make him leave. he checked her dialation, had to rub this cream inside her vaginal wall to help her dialate, and i still cant get this image out of my mind. it feels very painful emotionally to me, and sometimes when i try to make love to my wife these images haunt me and i have to stop. i finally got the courage up to talk to my wife about all this (who now is 7 months pregnat) after she described a recent exam she had with her ob doctor that is male, he examed her when no one was in the room, she said that he took an extra long time during the bimanual(using the fingers) and forgot to collect the sample during the papsmear and had to re-insert the speculum to collect it. this went clear through me. now we are trying desperately to find a female doctor to take over and we are having to change offices completely because they do have one female doctor but they have this rotation thing they do. i had to talk to the manager that basically told me that the male doctor had to be the one to do the exams, i asked her why the female doc couldnt do this and she said it was because of their "on call" policy. so i told her that no man was ever going to examine my wife again and she told me to good luck find another doctor office. i called many many offices before i could even get my wife an appointment, and there is no garentee that they will accept her because of how far along she is. but what are we supposed to do when the doctors force their will upon us? sit there and take or try to find someone else? what if we have to wind up using them? she is having a c-section, and the doctors there already know that i have nothing but contempt for them. i think it is very unfair that you cannot choose the doctor you want out of an office full of doctors. they just dont understand that some of us have moral obligations, and basically just dont like it.i have a view of this male doctor female pelvic exam thing as a form of adultry, and i think they should respect that. i know they have seen a million vaginas but so has people that make porno movies. i didnt mean to upset anyone, but i have very few places to vent about this, i have been seriously traumatised and feel a lot of depression and helplessness over this. and the other bad part is what about when we get into the delivery room? will she be draped well if there are male techs, anasthetics in there? who will scrub her and get her ready? will any males participate in that? the shaving of pubic hair and inserting cathadors? it is very stressful to me to think that we will arrive there, they will ask her to undress, and random male healthcare workers will be comeing in and out of the room where my wife lays naked on an operating table. is there any legal recourse to prevent anything like this from happening? can we tell them how wee feel and will they really understand our comfort level? because they have not understood us yet and this is our forth child. i think i am more stressed out over this pregnancy than my wife is. ↓
For those who are not yet a member, Register and become a part of our close-knit forum community.
Name: misschrissie | Date: Nov 3rd, 2006 7:54 PM
I'm sorry if I sound rude, that is definitely not my intention but I seriously think you need to relax. Nothing about having a pelvic exam is sexual to either the doctor OR the patient. I promise you that no one is getting off while doing the exam. Your wife is probably very uncomfortable and the doctor doesn't think twice about anything the moment your wife walks out the door. By you being this uptight, it is probably stressing your wife out, which she doesn't need. I know it's easier said than done but try it. ↑
Name: ash2 | Date: Nov 4th, 2006 9:07 PM
ummmm i think you seriously nees some counseling.. and im not being funny. There is nothing wrong with having a male obgyn. I think you have security issues here, and feel very insecure about your relationship with your wife. Im not sure about childhood instances ( maybe you were molested ) , but your behavior is not normal and you really need to chill before it overcomes your life. ↑
Name: allbelly120206 | Date: Nov 6th, 2006 2:56 AM
I totally agree with both of these responses!!! Male docs don't think twice about the exams they have to do! And the on call policy (rotating docs), that is very true so the manager wasn't telling you some BS about that. The docs at my OB's office rotate on call, but I still see my reg OB, I just make sure I schedule my appts on the days that she is there. You sound like maybe you don't have a trusting relationship, on your behalf. I have to agree with ash2, counseling may not be a bad idea. Good Luck!!! ↑
Name: tiffanyt | Date: Nov 6th, 2006 12:28 PM
well i do agree on some level with the others on the part where pelvic exams are definitly no fun for the patient and drs i know dont think twice about it. but i can understand your level also i mean i defninly wouldnt like for a bunch of female dr to female my husbands private parts although i prolly wouldnt get that bent out of shape about it i wouldnt like and would request for another dr but you let everyone know how you feel and if you dont feel comfortable about i suggest you maybe talk to you new drs about it and make a trip to labor and delivery and talk to pre admission about it and see what they say good luck and i hope things go better for you. ↑
Name: Waiting-Impatiently | Date: Nov 8th, 2006 9:54 AM
All I see here is me me me me.. Its your wife being examined, imagine how it feels for her, especially when you are describing it as "a form of adultery" shes going to be thinking shes done something wrong. You need to set your priorities right here. Your wife needs the best possible care, ie the best doctors, regardless of their sex. Thats whats important. I really think you're going too far with this, going into the point of panicking about who is going to be in the room when she has the caesarean.. Thats going to be the least of her worries at the time, would you rather she has a serious operation performed by a female less competent (and NO I'm not saying they are) than experienced practitioner just because he's male. Believe me theres nothing sexual about Dr-patient relationships. She wont be laying naked on an operating table! The only parts of her showing will be where she will be cut, and her head! And I doubt many men will be thinking sexually when a heavily pregnant woman is having her guts cut open anyway... Come on, I know its not nice, but its all part of having children, it not a nice business, and if you cant deal with it maybe stop getting her pregnant! You're going to be making her feel terrible being so disgusted when you have sex ↑
Name: bumble8bee | Date: Nov 8th, 2006 6:03 PM
I'm sorry, but it sounds you are the one that has the issue on this. You are the only one that is sexualizing these very normal medical procedures and examinations. It is not sexual but you are making it to be, and maybe you should try to figure out why. ↑
Name: mrpanicatm | Date: Nov 9th, 2006 9:41 PM
bumblebee, that is exactly why i am here. it sounds like most of you dont share the same view that i do about these male docs, and i dont know how many of you are christians, but i have read the bible extensivly, have been a Christian pretty much my whole life, and i have never found a verse to suggest that is acceptable for a married woman to expose her nakedness to another man other than her husband. if anyone can show me otherwise i will stop posting. It is more than jealousy, i really feel like making a stand on this. and it sure seems like a lot of people are trying to hang me just for thinks the way i do about it, but i garentee that if all husbands knew about what is involved in a pelvic exam...they would care. if they truly love their wife. ↑
Name: Greg85 | Date: Nov 9th, 2006 10:47 PM
I have studied the Bible and Christianity in a consevatice Christian school for 10 years and no where in the Bible does it say that women can not show themselves to doctors for medical purposes. All of the verses that you have quoted referring to two becoming one are referring to sex and the things that the doctors are doing do not qualify as sex. When it comes down to it, you can choose to use modern day medicine and get over the fact that there are male doctors or you can choose not to. There are midwives who can also care for your wife throughout the pregnancy and delivery and they use fully female staff. The Bible was written a couple thousand years ago before there was modern gynocological care for women. I'm sure that if Jesus was alive today he would say that your wife's and babies health is the most imporant thing and you should be greatful that the male doctors are able to provide the care that they can. I can guarantee that if anything where to go wrong during the delivery you would be very greatful of a man who was able to save the lives of your wife and child. You can throw a hissy fit about it but no one is going to pay much attention to you becuase the fact of the matter is that there are male OB/GYN's and you can use a hospital for birth and have a male doctor or you can use a midwife. I would beg you to stop trying to justfy your complaints by quoting the Bible becuase the Bible doesn't say anything about male doctors vs female doctors. Your faith should not make you question care for your wife. You might think its not fair but the only thing you can do about it is use a midwife. If your wife has a problem with seeing an gynocologist then she doesn't have to take advantage of modern day medicine. But I would argue the that the Bible tells you that your body is a temple and should be taken care of and cervical cancer is a very common cancer. If you really want to play quote the Bible wars we can but Christianity is not based on legistics and details. Jesus spoke against the Jewish rabbi's of his day who were focused on the details of the rules of thier religion. My suggestion to you would be face the facts and make a choice use male doctors or use a midwife. ↑
You can take that story in the Bible in Matthew, Mark, & Luke that talks about Jesus healing the woman that had a blood issue. This was probably a menstrual thing, and he healed her. Point being that "HE" healed "HER". I don't think that when Jesus was on the earth that he would have stopped a doctor from helping a woman if she was in need. Also, Luke 8:43 And a woman having an issue of blood twelve years, which had spent all her living upon physicians, neither could be healed of any,...~SPENT ALL HER LIVING UPON PHYSICIANS. DO YOU THINK THAT ALL THESE PHYSICIANS WERE FEMAIL. I HIGHLY DOUGHT THIS BECAUSE IN THOSE DAYS NOT VERY MANY WOMEN WORKED...THAT WAS THE MENS AREA OF EXPERTISE.
Lu 8:44 Came behind him, and touched the border of his garment: and immediately her issue of blood stanched. ↑
Name: mrpanicatm | Date: Nov 10th, 2006 11:55 PM
leelani, that is the most intelligent answer i have seen so far, you are correct, and i didnt even think of that verse, i can buy into what you are saying, and i am trying to give this emotion to GOD, but with little sucess. it will depart for a little, but when i am at work, i begin to ponder on it and it really starts to slam me. pray for me. ↑
Name: allbelly120206 | Date: Nov 11th, 2006 1:28 AM
<~~~~applauds to greg and lealani!!!!! very good answers!!!!!!! I totally agree.....women were not the bread winners back then. ↑
Name: lealani | Date: Nov 11th, 2006 5:14 AM
Dear Mrpanicatm. I can see that you are having stuggle with this. Just remember these verses. Maybe right them down and put them in your wallet and read them at work. 1. Prov. 3v5&6: Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thine ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths. This is from memory...so it may be wishywashy. If you think about that verse it doesn't just have to do with trusting that men aren't looking or taking advantage of your wife. But trusting that the Lord has your wife in his hands. You don't have to understand what is going on...it is all in the will of the Lord.
2Sa 22:3 The God of my rock; in him will I trust: he is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge, my saviour; thou savest me from violence. If you really have the will to change and want what is best for your life you can do it. Here is a verse that says what I mean... Php 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. I hope this helps. God Bless you and your family. In our prayers...Lani-lee ↑
Name: lealani | Date: Nov 11th, 2006 3:10 PM
sorry it was about 2 am. my time and spelling and grammar are not my strong suits! ↑
Name: bumble8bee | Date: Nov 13th, 2006 9:47 PM
I am in fact a Christian, and am the kind of person that is very conservative and modest, and find many things in this world to be highly inappropriate. And this is just my opinion, but I think you are wrong on this issue. Have you ever had a female doctor examine you or possibly- GASP!- examine your private parts for purely medical reasons? And I'm sure you didn't think anything of it as it was not sexual in nature. I can at times have a very obsessive personality and it can be difficult for me to get over certain things. I think you might be the same way as me. The fact that you are thinking of these images while you are making love to your wife tells me this. So stop obsessing about it!! I know it seems like too simple of an answer, but that's really the only way to get over it. Just stop thinking about it and enjoy your beautiful children! Good luck!! ↑
Name: rl | Date: Nov 14th, 2006 4:13 PM
ok you or your wife is a liar she would not be getting a pap at 7 months prego they only do that at the beginning of the pregnancy.....and no he would not have done that with out a female nurse in the room as well there are very strict laws about that sort of thing these days and the doctor forgot to get the sample whatever I really do not think you are being honest I think your some kind of jelouse jerk that can't stand the thought of another man seeing your wife's privates and that is just dumb grow up really there is NOTHING SEXUAL ABOUT A PAP TEST!! Gosh if your wife had any sense at all she would leave you before you go O.J on her and the doc!!!!!! ↑
Name: whatisgoingon | Date: Nov 14th, 2006 6:33 PM
Hmm..even if my partner was having his balls examined by an attractive female Dr, as if that Dr is going to try anything or she is any threat to your relationship... for one she would loose her entire career, and besides, if you do not trust your partner then why are you together??? There will always be someone more attractive than you in life, but dont go wasting your time getting all jealous and torn up about it. Your partner is here with YOU loving YOU. No1 can tear true love apart, and no partner would ever stray if their heart is 100% towards you and your future. As for your wife being examined, it is purely medical. The Dr's are there helping you and your wife and making sure everything is going okay within the pregnancy and to ensure the health and well being of your baby and your wife. They are doing their job. :) Dont stress, she loves YOU! ↑
Name: lealani | Date: Nov 15th, 2006 2:39 AM
If you guys haven't noticed, this guy said that he is trying to get over it and that he needs our prayers. We don't need to be getting down on him. He said that he would quit writing if someone had a good verse out of the Bible to give him because he looks to it for guidence. He got it and he hasn't written anything else negatively since then. Please just pray for this man and his troubles instead of bringing him down. ↑
Name: rl | Date: Nov 15th, 2006 2:02 PM
yeah I pray his wife gets some brains and leaves him, the guy is nuts.....sorry but it really seems true and if he such a man of God then he would not have been upset in the first place ↑
Name: abercrombiegirl16 | Date: Nov 17th, 2006 10:16 PM
I feel the same way when somebody examines my boyfriend, I feel like I always need to be there. It's not that I don't trust my boyfriend, because I do definitely. I know how you feel. ↑
Name: Keith | Date: Nov 28th, 2006 4:41 AM
Umm sounds to me that you have no internal fortitude,inner-strength. From the way you write I get the feeling that you have little self esteem and are perhaps a bit persecutional paranoid. As one writer here put it "All I see here is me me me me"
I don't know what country you live in but the health system appears to want an overall to give the people some choice, From way you write you sound like you live in some 3rd world dictatorship in the failed communist block. Sorry for the character assassination but hay get a life! I am in the medical profession and I see the human body in all its' splendor and ugliness (both men and women) I can honestly tell you the medicos have no more interest in you and your misses outside that of professional. This will no doubt come as a complete surprise to you but neither you or wife are that special. At least wise, to them. As a person in this field I can tell you that yes we care, yes we are compassionate, yes we want the very best for the people under our care and yes we can have empathy . But at the end of the day it's a job.I also found some of the procedures you described interesting with regards to child birth eg I can't remember the last time I saw pubic hair shaved for child birth. Anyway that aside you ask "who will scrub her undress her (wont she be able to undress herself?)"...who will insert the cathador?" (why would she have one of these to give birth even a 'C-section' ?) " You can be sure of one thing , who ever is doing these procedures they will do it professionally, and perhaps when their shift is done they may play a round of golf or go home and play with their own children WITHOUT GIVING YOU AND YOURS A SECOND THOUGHT. Please get some counseling. Regards Keith dad of 2 Adelaide South Australia ↑
Name: Keith | Date: Nov 28th, 2006 7:17 AM
Umm sounds to me that you have no internal fortitude, inner-strength. From the way you write I get the feeling that you have little self esteem and are perhaps a bit persecutional paranoid. As one writer here put it "All I see here is me me me me…………….."
I don't know what country you live in but the health system appears to want an overall to give the people some choice. From the way you write you make it sound like you live in some 3rd world dictatorship in the failed communist block. Sorry for the character assassination but, hay get a life! I am in the medical profession and I see the human body in all its' splendour and ugliness (both men and women) I can honestly tell you the medicos have no interest in you or your misses outside that of a professional medical perspective . This will no doubt come as a complete surprise to you but neither you nor wife are that special, at least wise to medicos. As a person in this field I can tell you that yes we care, yes we are compassionate, yes we want the very best for the people under our care and yes we can have empathy. But at the end of the day it's a job. I also found some of the procedures you described interesting with regards to child birth eg I can't remember the last time I saw pubic hair shaved for child birth. Anyway that aside you ask "who will scrub her undress her (wont she be able to undress herself?)"...who will insert the cathador?" (Why would she have one of these to give birth even a 'C-section’?) You can be sure of one thing , who ever is doing these procedures they will do it professionally, and perhaps when their shift is done they may play a round of golf or go home and play with their own children WITHOUT GIVING YOU AND YOURS A SECOND THOUGHT. Please get some counselling. Regards Keith dad of 2;Adelaide South Australia ↑
Name: aliciavr6 | Date: Nov 30th, 2006 5:10 PM
My advise is to seek the help of a psychiatrist. Period. ↑
Name: mrpanicatm | Date: Dec 1st, 2006 7:23 PM
hello, yes and thank all of you for your replies. i have done a little more digging, and found that there is a unique term for what i am experiencing, it is called "gymnophobia" or fear of nudity. the symptoms that were described were exactly the same as i feel, the anxiety, rapid heart beat, dizziness, sick at stomach, and anger. i am looking for information on the treatment, but so far have only turned up a lot of "infomercial" type of websites. anyway, i just thought it was interesting that an actual term exists and that there is nothing real unique about the way i feel. as i said, i just want it to go away. ↑
Name: maria mia | Date: Dec 2nd, 2006 1:06 AM
For your piece of mind, be w/ your wife everytime she'll have her pre-natal check up. I used to think the same way b4, I want all my doctors to be all female specially for my OB. But then I realized, it doesnt really matter. As long as they are there to help you specially in case of emergency, who Am I to choose? Doctors are doctors regardless of sex and religion. They are here to help and save life. God Bless you and your family.... ↑
Name: mrpanicatm | Date: Dec 2nd, 2006 8:21 PM
maria mia, thank you, however, the time it hurts me most is the observation of it. i have been to some prenatal check-ups, and the result is always the same as far as the feelings go. i suppose it is more the "casual office visit" that seems to hit me the worst, because in reality, if my wifes life was truly at stake i think i could get over it, but in the atmosphere of a 'casual exam' is where i really fall apart at. the other day i had to take my wife to the ER because her stomach was hurting and she thought she may be having contractions, i was ok all the way up there and in the parking lot, where my wife said she thought it might be false labor, or the braxton hicks contractions. any way they all subsided by the time we got there, and she had a lot of 'gas' and passed it(shew!) and felt better. anyway my mother in law and her aunt arrived there with 2 of her cousins thinking it was the real thing, we were just about to leave when her mother and aunt started to convince her to go in and "get checked' , me knowing that the ER doc was a man, i started to have an attack and tried to get my wife privately so i could talk to her, but they kept on and on talking to her , finaally i had to leave the vehicle and go grab a coke to chill out. they won over and she checked in to the ER, by then i was upset but maintained my composure, anyway, the male doc didnt even wind up examining her, they hooked her up to the contaction monitor, the nurse(female) checked for dialation) and that was about it. we went home three hours later with the knowledge our first guess was right.(since we have had 3 previous we knew we could have false alarms)so i had panicked for no reason that time, but it also let me know that i have made little progress in supressing these emotions. i can control my actions, but i cant control the way i feel. and keith, i know that to a doctor there is nothing unique, but to me it is. the breif encounters we have are unique and memorable to us more so than you. its like if you order food somewhere they could forget about your order, but i bet you wont forget! also, i reckon this condition the same as some one who is afraid of heights, or snakes, or spiders. does anyone say that they need to grow up for their disability? i also would like to add that i hate tomatoes. i think they look like a very attractive food, good color, but each time i try to eat one i immediately spit it out. no matter how much i have tried to eat one, i cant. for no logical reason other than i just dont like them, i may not ever enjoy eating a tomato, is that somehow unreasonable? also some people would prefer when recieving a haircut to have Mary instead of Bill. is that also immature or unreasonable? ↑
Name: maria mia | Date: Dec 2nd, 2006 11:36 PM
Im trying to understand how you feel. I even ask my husband about it. I had a lot of pelvic exams in the ER recently and my husband was always w/ me. The 1st pelvic exam that I had was done by a female dr (that was when we found out that our baby died inside me). The 2nd & the 3rd was done by male dr's (2 diff situations & diff ER's). But I tell you, nothing is different in the procedure. A nurse was always present, they will tell me what they are gonna do (like inserting the speculum w/ some lubricants on it), blah-blah-blah, then they will use their fingers to feel my cervix, & thats it. Done! And you know what, my 2nd trip to the ER, the pelvic exam I had even took a little bit long bcuz I was bleeding so heavy & the ER dr tried his best to get some of the clots inside me. Now, Im saying all of these to you bcuz believe me... there's nothing wrong having a pelvic exams w/ a male dr. I felt it. There's "nothing" into it. They are just doing their job. As I've said, I ask my husband about it bcuz he also experienced seeing me having those exams and he said "they are doctors, thats what they do!" I think its just all in your mind. Try to weigh things out, anyway what they are doing makes a lot of sense right? They're just doing their job. And besides, they will not gonna do that if its not really necessary (like what happened when you & your wife went to ER). ↑
Name: babii_boo91 | Date: Dec 4th, 2006 3:40 PM
I dont think your more stressed out then your wife.. LOL im a girl and my bf doesnt like the male doctors. But you have to do what you have to do to keep your baby healthy!!!!!!!!!!!! good luck ↑
Name: Keith | Date: Dec 5th, 2006 10:34 AM
Dear mrpanicatm
Dear friend you wrote “….. also let me know that i have made little progress in suppressing these emotions…..” I disagree for when you state “….was upset but maintained my composure…” it appears that you have made some major steps forward and more power to you for that. Also you wrote “…..unique term for what I am experiencing, it is called ‘gymnophobia’….” acknowledging that, perhaps, you may have a ’phobia’ ergo the your thoughts may be irrational is a tremendous and exciting step for you in developing better copeing mechanisms ( although, reading your first post, I am not sure that “Gymnopobia” fits the bill here. But hay I am not a psychologist)
You stated “I can control my I actions, but I cant control the way I feel.” But you can change the way you feel, give yourself a “paradigm shift”. eg in the past you may have had a belief (a feeling of distrust), say about, a particular race of people, and one day someone of that race moved next door and you discovered that you had a lot in common and become very good friends. You realise your old beliefs where unfounded and irrational so you changed your beliefs, the way you feel, you PARADIGM about people of this race. You can do the same (but only you can do it for you) about your fears and anxieties. We all have a set of experiences, beliefs and values that affect the way you perceive reality and respond to that perception. A paradigm shift is a change in how we go about organising and understanding reality. Because one person’s reality may not be that of another, the fears and anxieties you described in your posts are your reality. I hate beetroot ( I think it tastes like soil) but I would not stop anyone else eating it, you dislike tomatoes and I bet you wouldn’t try to control anyone else by stopping them enjoying one. But are you not trying to impose your reality (or fears) on your wife. By the way did you go through this with your other children? Once again more power to you for the big leaps you have taken Warm regards Keith dad of 2
Dear friend you wrote “….. also let me know that i have made little progress in suppressing these emotions…..” I disagree for when you state “….was upset but maintained my composure…” it appears that you have made some major steps forward and more power to you for that. Also you wrote “…..unique term for what I am experiencing, it is called ‘gymnophobia’….” acknowledging that, perhaps, you may have a ’phobia’ ergo the your thoughts may be irrational is a tremendous and exciting step for you in developing better copeing mechanisms ( although, reading your first post, I am not sure that “Gymnopobia” fits the bill here. But hay I am not a psychologist)
You stated “I can control my I actions, but I cant control the way I feel.” But you can change the way you feel, give yourself a “paradigm shift”. eg in the past you may have had a belief (a feeling of distrust), say about, a particular race of people, and one day someone of that race moved next door and you discovered that you had a lot in common and become very good friends. You realise your old beliefs where unfounded and irrational so you changed your beliefs, the way you feel, you PARADIGM about people of this race. You can do the same (but only you can do it for you) about your fears and anxieties. We all have a set of experiences, beliefs and values that affect the way you perceive reality and respond to that perception. A paradigm shift is a change in how we go about organising and understanding reality. Because one person’s reality may not be that of another, the fears and anxieties you described in your posts are your reality. I hate beetroot ( I think it tastes like soil) but I would not stop anyone else eating it, you dislike tomatoes and I bet you wouldn’t try to control anyone else by stopping them enjoying one. But are you not trying to impose your reality (or fears) on your wife. By the way did you go through this with your other children? Once again more power to you for the big leaps you have taken Warm regards Keith dad of 2
