I am a SAHM that is pretty much alone all the time and my coping skills need some serious suggestion. I am currently trying to deal w/ a neighbor whom is preggo that lives upstairs from us. I know how I was when pregnant but yet don't know how to approach this situation. My son who is 5 mths and about once a month - we breath in second hand smoke from the upstairs neighbor's husband. His smoke travels through our vents. So She is preggo & goes to stay at her parents house every now and then & while she is gone her husband will party it up & smoke like a chimney, it gets into our vents and permeates our home & I get heartburn from breathing it ...not to say worried about my DS. My DH has called this guy many times and asked him nicely and he is usually sorry and says he'll never do it again, but once she leaves to sleep over at her parents he is at it all night again (doing drugs too I think - he told my DH awhile back he likes to do cocaine but his wife has no idea). So this is the problem, she is happy and preggo and proud that her DH has stopped smoking cold turkey since January. We know he is lying to her, we see him smoke outside all the time when she is at work and who knows how the heck he is so good at hiding the cigarette smell from her. So for many months we would only approach him only, because we didn't want to be the bad guys and reveal to her that her husband is lying about his smoking habit. we just want to avoid conflict. So everytime he would apologize but do it again & the second hand smoke permeates our place. What would you guys do in this situation?? She is pregnant, hormonal I'm sure, & I don't want to cause a fight with them but asking him nicely just isn't working anymore. I'm tired of suffocating myself not to say my baby. Also his partying keeps us up all night since he is so loud. This guy literally stays up all night chatting it up and smoking. By the way, this is a 2 unit home and there is no smoking allowed inside the apartments especially since our vents are connected. The wife also seems to be really naive too so I don't know if I should try to have a one on one with her. We had called our Landlord once and complained & the Landlord only talked to the husband & the husband ended up getting mad at us and told us to only bring our concerns to him... which we do! But nothing has changed! Even when I was pregnant it was like this! Urgghh. We are looking to move but we really like our place, we don't want to pack up and leave because of them. Any constructive suggestions? What would you do? ↓
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Name: kimberly | Date: Jul 3rd, 2008 10:26 AM
Thats a tough one. You have already spoken to him about it and the landlord and nothing has changed. I would bring it up with his wife. Sounds like you have already steped on his toes and because of that he is not going to care to change his habbit or for that matter where he smokes. I am not sure if there is anything legal you can do because smoking in your own home is not illegal. I would try to calmly talk to him again. Explain that you don't care if he smokes but could he maybe smoke somewhere else. This is horrible but I would lie and tell him your son has athsma or something and it is dangerous for him and causing him lots of breathing problems. That sounds terrible I know but maybe it would work, if he feels he is harming your baby he will probably think twice about it. Most people don't think that second hand smoke, especially that far away from the baby will harm them but it does, so if you spell it out for him in a way a stupid person could understand, like telling him he has athsma then maybe he will get it. Or you will just have to move. ↑
Name: Crystal83 | Date: Jul 3rd, 2008 12:10 PM
He's probably just apologizing and being nice because he does drugs and doesn't want to get into a conflict that might involve authorities. I would tell his wife, she has a right to know. Maybe just casually mention to her that you would appreciate it if her hubby could smoke outside of the apt. and that you have mentioned it to him many times but he hasn't followed through. ↑
Name: evae777 | Date: Jul 3rd, 2008 12:27 PM
Thanks for the response! So I had a talk with his wife and she understood and it all made sense to her since she saw cigarette ashes in one of her potted plants, asked him about it and he told her it was mold. I told her genuinely how our only concern is our son smelling the smoke. So this all ended up in him denying everything... ever having parties, smoking (he swears to her he hasn't even had one cigarette in the past 6 months when I see him smoking outside all the time), and on top of it all he denied that we had ever even called him or confronted him on the issue! DH and I are completely thrown back by this, how he would lie to the extreme. But his wife is the naive type and she believes everything that he says. I know in her heart she knows but she is the type that seems to live in a happy world and would rather just believe everything her partner says just to avoid the reality of things. She once told me that all men will cheat, but women just have to close their eyes and move on because all men cheat. Just an example of how I have learned it is impossible to go through her to get any resolution. I am totally struck and lost now as on what to do so I have emailed the Landlord on this issue. Thing is.. the neighbor guy is a little firecracker. I am afraid as to what type of people he hangs with or what he is capable of. We have been looking for places to move but here in the Bay Area it is so expensive that we cannot get even half of the space we have right now for less and we currently live in a huge one bedroom! Urgghh I am so stressed out that my days are just stressful now :( ↑
Name: Crystal83 | Date: Jul 3rd, 2008 1:35 PM
I'm sorry that didn't go as planned for you. It's also ashame you can't move somewhere else right away, but you should always keep looking, something is bound to come up for you soon! That woman sounds very passive and she is going to be truly hurt when she realizes she is with a sleazeball. I feel sorry for her and her baby. All you can do, I guess, is try to make your home as well ventilated as possible, and maybe get an air purifyer for the area the smoke comes in from. That way you know you're doing as much as possible to give your son a healthy start and I don't think you should feel guilty at all. *hugs* ↑
Name: mjvdec01 | Date: Jul 3rd, 2008 3:53 PM
Your situation really sucks. I continue sending e-mails to the landlord, every weeks if you have to until something is done. Are you sure he is doing drugs? if you are then I would bring that up as well. Ofcourse the best solution would be for you to move somewhere where you are completely comfortable. It sounds like this guys wife isn't the brightest bulb in the box. ↑
Name: AliG | Date: Jul 3rd, 2008 6:12 PM
You are in a tough spot. I think you are right. The wife probably knows he is smoking again. Even if the smoking husband thinks he pulled off his con job- I would think he knows the wife is going to be watching his every move. And hopefully that will keep his smoking under control. My advice is to keep a log of the smoking and file another complaint with the landlord. You have a legal contract with your landlord. It sounds like one of the provisions says no smoking so that sounds to me like the landlord has guaranteed that the building is smoke free. One of his other tenants is violating that policy but the landlord is unable or does not want to remedy the situation. This could help you with getting out of your lease/rental agreement without paying any penalties if you have a long term lease. I would also do what Crystal says and look for another place to live. I also live in the Bay Area- so I know its expensive. What city do you live in? Maybe renting a house in a different city would be better. You just have to weigh the pros and cons of a move and decide what is better for your family. To me living next to a drug using firecracker doesn't sound safe and while I might love the city I live in if its too expensive I would look for an alternative. ↑
Name: evae777 | Date: Jul 3rd, 2008 9:44 PM
Thanks ladies for all of your responses. i have emailed the Landlord and left a message so just waiting for him to get back to me. It is just a weird situation now! The girl ended up calling me again and telling me that she doesn't know who to believe. I told her that my only concern is the smoke, it's none of my business what marital problems they have nor do I care if she believes me. We have always been pleasant and casual aquaintance's to each other so there is obviously no motive on my end to get her husband in trouble with her. She kept interrogating me to give her more evidence on her husband & when and how many times I saw him smoke while I was at home, but I kept making it clear to her that it isn't something I want to get involved with - which is the integrity issue that he has. All I care about is however that smoke is getting into my apartment from their place needs to stop! But I guess she swears that she has a heightened sense of smell and since she can't smell anything on him or in the apartment then it gives her no cause to believe that her husband is smoking us out. Which blows my mind how he can cover his traces so well. During the day when I pass him sometimes I can smell it on him! So now I am just going to be normal and polite as always and stay out of their way because it is clear to me that these people are complicated & the wife is a bit of a drama addict. But I have to say it again that it just blows me away that their are people out there that have to lie to such an extreme! I wonder if it is a mental illness, I guess I just don't understand the need to lie like that. Am I the only one that has met a person like this??! AliG I live in San Francisco the Outer Richmond area. What city do you live in? That's crazy we live in the Bay area, I met another woman here that used to live in San Jose and we ended up meeting and are good friends now! ↑
Name: evae777 | Date: Jul 9th, 2008 2:55 AM
so if anyone is still reading, here's the update: After all this hard work to resolve the neighbor situation, my dh might as well have gotten a permanent marker& mark a big L on my forehead. the wife ran into him & asked about it, how we smell smoke & dissapointingly enough he answers, "i don't know, it could be from anyone walking down the street." Yep, now I look like a fool because my dh was too coward to say tell the truth. if only there was a class that he could take to make him more clever. urghhh. now i have no argument & will have to put up w/ the smoke. ↑
Name: Crystal83 | Date: Jul 9th, 2008 11:44 AM
Geez! That's too bad, why would your hubby say that? Is he the shy/passive type? I'd still keep complaining about it though. Good luck! ↑
Name: evae777 | Date: Jul 9th, 2008 1:11 PM
DH is a good man, has alot of integrity,, but you know how everyone has their goods and bads? Well, on the flipside this guy doesn't know how to deal with conflict or confrontations. when people confront him he is like a turtle that crawls into his shell! I told him that he doesn't have to get mean, that is not what confrontations are about, but he has to at least know how to neutralize a situation & get on a path of resolution! I feel like I am the only one with a spouse like this. it seems that most husbands/ friends know how to pick up their balls from the floor and protect their family in an appropriate manner. Now I just look like an idiot & my words mean nothing to the neighbors now. ↑
Name: Crystal83 | Date: Jul 9th, 2008 4:11 PM
Pick up your balls from the floor, LOL....Don't worry you are NOT the only one with a hubby like that. Mine is quite similar as well. He picks and chooses his battles and doesn't like confrontation unless he feels really strongly about something, It's a good thing in a way, I wouldn't want to have a hubby that got into an argument or fight over everything with strangers. But, I do understand how you feel considering this subject is something you feel strongly about and you don't feel like your getting the support you need. Maybe you should talk to him about how important this is to you and ask him if he could try and be a little more confident when it comes to things like that, but in a nice way as to not hurt his feelings, even if it would more satisfying to say "pick your balls up off the floor", lmao! ↑
Name: AliG | Date: Jul 10th, 2008 5:34 PM
Sorry it took me so long to respond. The PC infected message has kept me away.
I live in Fremont. (I like the suburbs.) But I used to spend a lot of time work/school in the city. I am sorry about your DH. That would be frustrating. Maybe he thought he was protecting all of you by defusing the situation and giving your neighbor a peaceful out so that the neighbor isn't so hostile. ↑
Name: evae777 | Date: Jul 23rd, 2008 5:16 PM
Hi Ali G, sorry I just read this! Fremont is 1 or 2 hours away from SF right? Do you like living out there? Own or Rent? We are looking to buy right now but don't think we can afford anything of a decent size here. Really frustrating especially having these neighbors. Which by the way the husband confronted me about the whole thing, denying he smokes or us ever bringing it to his attention & blamed the smoking on his friends and told me that I almost gave his wife a heart attack. I don't run into that type of person alot, the ones that lie straight to your face. So I told him that I don't care if it is he or who smokes, but it is getting into our home & that I am confused as to why he keeps claiming we never spoke to him about this before I took it to his wife. Urghhh. He was really condescending and acted as if I was the crazy one that doesn't know what I'm talkign about. Then my DH went out to look for him, had a talk with him...(I was eavesdropping) & heard my DH stand up to him, DH acted like he could care less what this guy keeps denying & made one clear point that of how we want a good relationship w/ them & can care less what the stories are, but the smoke has got to go - regardless who it is from & I heard DH say sorry for whatever problems it caused this guy with his wife. It all seemed to end well, although I am still raging mad when I think of how this neighbor guy tried to put me in my place when we have been kind to them for so long. I think it shocked him to see my DH stick up to him because my DH is always very pleasant & agreeable. I wonder why I feel unsettled about this. Maybe it's that woman feeling of needing some kind of revenge since it didn't all go as I wanted it to. Grrr! Well thanks everyone for all your thoughts and input :P I really appreciated it. ↑
Name: Tory1980 | Date: Jul 24th, 2008 8:55 AM
Simple if landlord won't help and the guy is acting like an idiot look into the more 'legal' way of dealing with it. Here (granted I am in N.I and things are slightly different) get Health and Social in declaring the apartment is unfit for a baby to be in it due to the smoke and that you are also suffering side effects from passive smoking. The landlord is not holding up to his contract with both you and your neighbour and I would be seeing a solictior about writing an official complaint to him and to the guy above you. As for the parties get the police involved if he is throwing them and hopefully this will get him to wise up and mention the drugs possibly being present. Here with have a law that neighbours cannot cause a nuisance at anytime of the day but it is illegal for loud music/shouting/parties etc to go on between the hours of 11pm and 6am. Taxi drivers can actually get in trouble if they beep their horn during this time too. You seem to have exhausted all alternative routes and gone the nice/decent way in trying to rectify the situation. As for the hubby he needs a good beating! LOL! Silly man. Hell if you have to VIDEO they guy smoking or take a picture. Get him to try explaining that! If he comes back with it infringing on his privacy you counter-act with he is in-dangering your childs life with smoking - what he smokes your son is smoking and he obviously doesn't care. Good luck though as it seems your landlord is a waste of space. Tell hubby to stop being a chicken! LOL! I would be speaking to a solicitor but in the mean time keep notes in a diary of his parties, when he is smoking, when smoke enters your apartment etc and keep dates and times. If the landlord replies keep notes/copies of anything you have sent him and anything he has sent you. They won't have a comeback then. Also every time there is a complaint over your neighbour now write tot eh landlord but stay away from the neighbour. if the landlord won't do his job it isn't up to you to do it for him - sounds like you have enough problems as it is. Like I said - good luck!! ↑
