Father's Reaction To Miscarriage

Women who have suffered a miscarriage may feel bewilderment at a husband's reaction. Partners may seem to shrug off the loss as if the lost pregnancy was nothing more than just a carton of milk that had soured and needed to be tossed out: regrettable, but no big deal. But is it just as easy for him as it appears?

Gut Reaction

The truth is that men often do have strong emotions about the loss but have a different manner of coping with grief that women may not see as a manifestation of his pain and sorrow. A woman's gut reaction to the loss may be to talk about her feelings, while her partner may throw himself into a home improvement project or develop a sudden desire to tinker with the engine of his car.

Men may feel a need to occupy their hands. Engaging in such simple labor frees their minds to think about and accept difficult ideas and feelings, like the loss of a pregnancy. Men are also inculcated with idea that real men shrug off pain, whether it is emotional or physical, and throw themselves straight back into the arena. If this fits what you have observed in your husband's behavior, it makes sense to give him the space to work off his feelings. After some time has elapsed, he'll be calmer and more able to talk about the loss.

Not Real

Another important idea to keep in mind is that the baby is not as real to the male partner as it is for the woman. For this reason, the main impact of the loss on the father is in the effect it has on his partner. He may be more focused on your emotional and physical wellbeing rather than on any personal feelings of grief. You are more real to him than the baby ever was and he is worried about you.

How can you reconcile the very different natures of your feelings against those of your partner's after going through such a painful loss? The most important thing you can do is to recognize that being in a relationship does not mean that both partners must feel the same way about every issue or life event. In a good relationship, couples are generous one to the other, in giving support to feel and express feelings according to their natural desire. Judging your spouse means your relationship is in distress, but supporting your spouse shows relationship health.