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Wow, I am appalled at how many women think it is acceptable to divorce their husbands over their selfish desire to have a baby. Divorce is never an answer to a difference in ‘wants’ and if it is, you don’t truly love him. If you did truly love him you would be able to get through this and accept his stance. Perhaps you are incapable at dealing with or solving marital problems that you have to resort to the nuclear option and give up? Divorce will not validate your viewpoint or justify your decision; it just allows you to quit the situation with consequences.
The 'different goals/priorities' argument is a flawed one at best. It’s another failed attempt to try to justify not getting your way. It’s obvious you and your husband’s priorities are already very closely aligned otherwise you would not have gotten married in the first place.
Take this example…
A husband wants to buy a Lamborghini, he wants it more than ANYTHING else in the entire world!!! But his wife says no. Should he divorce her and find someone else who will not say ‘no’ to the Lamborghini? Of course not, because you both must agree on something to have it. A child is not the same as a car, but the correlation and reasoning are the same. Just because you don’t get your way doesn't make a legitimate reason for divorce, legally or ethically.
The marriage relationship between a man and a woman is the single most important ent_ty in your life and (next to God, if you are religious) should come before any other articles, material (cars) or immaterial (babies). A marriage is a joining in life with your partner/soul mate first, and then sharing in producing a child second. It is not just a means to a baby. If you say you ‘truly love him’ and ‘he's perfect in every other way' and ‘you have a wonderful relationship otherwise’ and ‘I can't see myself without him’ and ‘he's my soul mate’, then you will stay with him baby or no baby. That vow you took was for better/worse, sickness/health. No where do I see it contingent on baby/no baby.
It does not matter if you say you did not want kids and changed your mind or he said he wanted kids and changed his mind, both people are allowed to change their minds, and both people have to come to a decision together and agree in order to do it.
Only if a love is strong enough to last without a baby, will it be strong enough to last after the baby. If you feel your love is NOT strong enough to last without a baby then you are married for the wrong reasons. You should have married your husband to be with him for the rest of your life, no other reason. If it is for some other reason (baby, money) you will not last and it will be a failed relationship. Marriages last a lifetime, 30-60 years. A child is a TEMPORARY journey along that path that lasts ~18 years, it is a subset of the marriage, the child will come and go. After the child, you are left in the same situation you were in before you had the child, just the two of you together. You must love each other before the baby, during the baby and after the baby; not for a baby or because of a baby. Your love for your husband is UNCONDITIONAL and must have no bearing on whether or not you get something in life. If it does then you are wrong for resenting him.
What if your husband turned out to be infertile? Good wives would of course stay with their husbands, but why, simply because he cannot control it? You should not absolve your husband in one circ_mstance and resent in the other. Whether he can’t have one or won’t have one, the reason is irrelevant, the situation is the SAME, no child. Just because he can have one but won’t does NOT justify any of your ill feelings.
And for those who believe the divorce option is acceptable, please do society a favor and divorce, because it's clear you do not REALLY love each other, especially not enough that you should be bringing a child into this world.
This is whole situation is clearly one of the reasons 50% of marriages end in divorce. I wonder how many damaged children and fractured families we can attribute to coercion and the selfish desire to ‘want a baby’.
I read things like 'I just want a baby' and 'I just want to be a mother' without reason or logic. It’s all irrational emotion. I read a lot of “I, I, I, ME, ME, ME” which only reemphasizes the fact that this is a selfish decision. Having a baby should not be a selfish decision.
Many women are fixated on just the ‘baby’ aspects of having a child. If fact they’ve even said things like they long for “a baby to hold” or “a child to play with”. That’s short term. How many of you look at a mother with her teenager and say ‘I just want a teenager’. What you really need to ask yourself is “do I want a baby, toddler, child, kid, adolescent, teenager, young adult, college student, AND fully grown child” instead of just ‘baby’.
A baby is not an accessory like a designer purse.
There is no ‘right’ to have a baby.
Husbands a not simply sperm donors.
A baby is NOT a material goal in life like getting a college degree or buying a house.
Having a child is a joint decision. How would you like it if you were pregnant without being asked? (Rape anyone?)
A baby should only be conceived out of the love of the parents and them wanting to express that love in the form of a child and share that love with them as a family with the child.
The decision to have a baby is the single most important decision of a married relationship. It is not to be taken lightly, thus, why your man considers it heavily, logically and WITHOUT emotion. He has given clear decisive logic why not, (finances, timing, jobs, etc) but you fail to provide anything other than emotional and illogical 'feelings' and 'desires'. This is where the dissonance occurs and he is correct because logical, rational thoughts and conclusions are always superior to irrational ones based on emotion.
Furthermore it's been scientifically proven there's no innate instinct, no 'biological clock' that drives women to want a baby, otherwise all women would feel it equally (Google it).
What is actually happening is you are feeling the peer pressure of your culture, society, peers and what you see in the media (TV), combined with the fact that you DO have a timeline and that timeline is approaching its end. Once you realize this you will realize your decision to have a baby may not be based on reason or logic. Many of you have admitted this. “I see babies and bellies everywhere” or “All my friends are pregnant or having babies” is what I read.
Many women here say “I don’t know what to do???”, but the answer is so clear. You know exactly what the right answer is but you just don’t want to accept it, thus you write your story here and ask what to do in hopes of finding an answer that does not exist.
Here’s the answer. Here’s what you need to do.
1) Suck it up.
2) Deal with it.
You need to work through not getting something you want. In a marriage, it takes TWO people to agree on something to obtain it. If one person does not agree to something, that something simply does not happen. A positive times a negative is ALWAYS a negative. That’s why you married him right? To share together in life experiences? If a husband wants a Lamborghini and a wife says ‘no’, there’s no Lamborghini to be got. Work through it.
Now for those who are not willing to give up and are strong enough and have enough love to continue, but you still want a baby, here’s what you need to do.
3) Your husband knows you want a baby. Don’t keep tell him you want one.
4) Every 3 months ask him if he wants to be a father or if he wants you to have his baby (say it like that). Leave it at that, don’t argue further.
5) Avoid using “I, I, I, ME, ME, ME”. This only validities the idea that it’s a selfish decision for you and you are not considering his views.
DO NOT push it on him. He’s your husband, you love him unconditionally and either you will be together forever without a kid, or you will be together forever with a kid.
DO NOT trick him. I am glad to see most are smart enough not to deceive them into pregnancy and want him to want it too. For those for those that do deceive, God help you with your poor decision.
It's clear this may be just a stage, a phase of life you are going thru right now and the desire will fade. Most women who posted are 25-40 with the mean being 30-35 and say 'it hit me like a ton of bricks'. You did not feel this strongly at age 18 or 22 and you won’t feel this strongly after age 40.
Resentment is wrong. Simply put, if you really, truly love your husband, you will not resent him. This is good for those that do truly love because it means they have no fear of resenting him. However, if you do resent him or think you will, it's clear you do not really, truly love him and only think of him as a sperm donor.
And for all those ungrateful women who already have a baby but want another, enjoy what you have and stop arguing, your husband already gave you what you want. It's clear that logic and reasoning are not behind the desire to have yet another baby.
All this stated from a former Minister turned PHD therapist who specializes in marriage counseling.
Thus why they call me the TrustedTruth.
Good luck everyone.
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