No Way Of Contacting My Childs Father

34 Replies
May_Belle - November 26

Hi, I have recently had a baby who I adore but unfortunately was the result of a one night stand. I hate calling it a one night stand because it was not something I had thought of when I went out that night. Is there anyone out there in the same circ_mstances?? Someone who go pregnant from a one night stand and can not find the father. I feel so alone in this and like such a terrible person. I wish I could find the guy, to tell him he has a child more than anything. I want my child to know who their father is. I feel terrible all the time because my child will not know who their father is. Thank god my family have been amazing amd have supported me more than I could have ever imagined. They tell me everything will be ok and my child will be ok but I don't see it like that. My child is going to grow up and not know a single thing about their father or the other side of their family because of a stupid reckless night I had. I can already see the hurt I have caused. I feel so sad. I am denying my child half of their genetics. I have tried to think of every possible way of finding him but I honestly do not think I ever will. The truth is I was very very drunk that night and was caught out. I remember kissing this guy but I didn't want to have s_x with him. That was the last thing I remember thinking. He was only back at my house because his friend was getting off with my friend and had followed us back. I was going to get the morning after pill the next day but I was convinced I hadn't had s_x with him so I would be fine. I was so shocked when I found out I was pregnant a month later. I have hired a private detective to find the guy but he said its pointless. I have no key information, only the place i met him. I can't remember the guys name or what he worked at. The only way of finding him would be to go on the radio and say I am looking for this guy and completely humilate myself and my child. I was so drunk I only have a foggy memory of what he even looks like. I remember I didn't fancy him and had no intention of sleeping with him. Even though I can't see his facial features clearly in my head I think my child looks more like him than me. I feel guilty every day that I won't be able to introduce my child to the other side of their family.

 

Grandpa Viv - November 28

Let go of your guilt - it is pointless, and there are many children in the same situation (including a grandchild of mine). The guy is probably not someone you would want around your child, anyway. There will be another man on the scene by the time the baby is old enough to miss one. Count your blessings. GL!

 

lunamoo - December 13

wow grandpa viv, can't believe you would say the father of her child is "probably not someone you would want around your child." thats downright mean. they were both drunk and did something foolish, why does that make one of the two the bad one. you never know...maybe he too is remembering that night as best he can and thinking, maybe i have a child out there and doesnt have the memory to find may belle. anyway may belle, i can understand you are in an aweful situation.

 

lunamoo - December 13

wow grandpa viv, can't believe you would say the father of her child is "probably not someone you would want around your child." ?!?!? thats downright mean. they were both drunk and did something foolish, why does that make him the bad one. you never know...maybe he too is remembering that night as best he can and thinking, maybe i have a child out there and doesnt have the memory to find may belle. anyway may belle, i can understand you are in an awful situation. be thankful for all your family support.

 

Kellykinz71 - January 2

Back in Nov. of '99 I went out with a friend and we were partying. I ended up chatting up with this guy and had a real fun time together. I ended up leaving with him and going to a friend of his who was having a party. After staying there for a bit, we went back to my place and we continued to party a bit and talked. I really liked listening to him talk about things. We made out a bit, even said we weren't going to go any further but...well plans changed and the next morning he kissed me bye and said see ya later. I knew there would be no 'later' but said ok. A couple days later I found out that friend I went out with originally started dating him. She was still married to another and knew this guy and I had 'relations'. I blew it off as no biggie it was what it was. About nine days later...things were going on, I wasn't feeling 'normal' wanted to do nothing but sleep. Sister said I was probably pregnant I told her she was crazy, that thought had not even crossed my mind but after her comment that was all I could think about. I waited for my paycheck and went and picked up two pregnancy tests...the first one I took in the evening and it came back that I was pregnant. I stood there by myself swearing. I was sure because the test was taken late at night that it wasn't accurate. So I tried and prayed for better results with fresh 'morning' pee. It came back with same results and even DARKER. I went to the clinics and my personal physician and they ALL said the same. A couple even said Congrats! I had to get a hold of that friend who had started dating "John" so she could help me get in contact with him. She told me he is going to be p__sed. I told her I didn't do this on my own. Four days later he showed up at my house pounding on the door letting me know that he didn't even think 'it' was his. He wasn't going to have anything to do with it and I said that is fine, you'll still have to deal with 'it'. He called me a not so nice name and left. Sheesh I couldn't believe I was somewhat attracted to that man weeks earlier. After he found out I then had to focus on letting my family know that I was pregnant and was mortified when they asked about him. "Nope, were not dating" and "Nope, he is not happy about this". I told a select few at the beginning about the married friend who was dating him now. That wasn't as bad as I had envisioned. Next came worrying about what I was going to say to this little one when the day came that I was asked where her daddy was. That honestly was the worst part of all of this. She started really asking about him when she was four years old. Wanting to know if her daddy loved her and missed her. I always said yes. She would point to her index finger and ask if her daddy made that finger, I would say 'yep, but mommy made the rest'. The summer of her fourth year it was getting to be a constant discussion about this daddy character. I finally got enough courage to call that old friend (who ended up marrying "John" and having a daughter of her own just seven months younger than mine) and told her that my daughter wanted to know about her dad and if she would talk to him and see if he wanted a relationship with her. I got a call back later that night or the next and she told me how he started to cry when she told him our daughter wanted to talk with him and thanked me for even allowing this chance. We lived states away but they started talking almost daily. I was in awe of my daughter...she did not ask the why aren't you here, or any other why's I feared she would ask. She asked him what his favorite color was and favorite food. Amazing little angel was willing to leave the past exactly there...in the past. We eventually moved back up north and we scheduled a place and time where everyone could "meet". It was nice. "John" and I had discussed taking things slow with our daughter. We would not push her to stay the night until she was ready. Old friend apologized to me, saying that it was her fault that "John" didn't keep in contact with us. She told him she would leave him if he had anything to do with us. I thanked her for her apology but said "John" still had the final say and he chose to ignore our daughter. Things were going good for roughly 4-5 months then the price of gas became an issue for him to come see or get her. I offered to pay but I was told that it is too much to just have her for the day. I knew this was the 'old friend' trying to throw a wrench in things. Years went by with no visits and my daughter called almost on a daily basis for six months crying and begging for someone to pick up the phone or call her back, morning and night. I have all the records so I could prove that when the time presented itself. The summer of my daughters' ninth year I let her try and call again this time her younger sister answered and she could hear her dad come into the house. He sounded so happy until he heard it was my daughter on the phone (this is what my daughter cried to me). She handed me the phone and I put it on speaker phone, he wanted to know why now was I calling. I corrected him and let him know that it wasn't me calling but our daughter. She wanted to know why for six months nobody answered or returned her calls (we had a new cell number when she called so I think that was the only reason why that call was even answered, a mistake)? He started rambling on about how he was too busy for this and I got p__sed at this point and told him just tell her that you are too busy for her so I can continue to bring her a counselor but she can finally work on not wanting you in her life. After he hung up on us I told my daughter that she could try one more time to get in contact with him in three or six months but if things go down the way they did that day she was done. I was not going to watch her keep getting hurt by him. It broke my heart to see her hurt. She would have to wait until she was all grown to find him then if she wanted. On Thanksgiving Day 2009 we got a call from her dad. He apologized to both of us for not being there or more in the picture. He told me he had left the 'old friend' about four months earlier and he had wanted to call for sometime but he was worried that after our last phone call I wouldn't let him talk with our daughter. For him to make the first move and call us I think says a lot about his character. Now, I get glimpses of the guy I met back in Nov. of '99. He has helped me with my car when I had some troubles and he told me that he is so happy that he is able to help us. If he were still with the 'old friend' it would not have even been possible for him to help us. He has picked our daughter up and taken her for the afternoon, out to lunch, to her great grandma's. I even allow her to spend the weekend with him when he has his other two children. She also spent six days of Christmas break with him. That was really hard but we both made it through it. I can see the positive change in our daughter. I am happy that he and I are talking. He allows me to vent about the past ten years when I need to. I never in my wildest dreams would of thought he would of stepped up to the plate and wanted to be a part of his eldest daughters' life. I guess what I want to say to help you through your difficult time is allow and accept your families help. Things do happen for a reason, even when they don’t quite make sense to us right away. Love your child like no other and when things are looking like you won’t be able to make it through whatever is going on this is when you need to really look at all the good in your life. Right now my ‘hurdle’ that I have to deal with is trying to find the right words to tell her about how I got pregnant with her when I was dating or married to her dad. After I make it through that (not that I am looking for anything else so challenging) I think I’ll be able take on anything else that comes my way. I get a sickening feeling that I may have just jinxed myself.

 

BabyMummy - October 3

May_Belle im in the exact same situation I would love to talk to you and see how you are getting on and discuss some issues we will both have to overcome my baby is only 10months now but I too feel so guilty about the situation, have lots of support from family but can't forgive myself that my child will never know who her father is. I too tried to hire a private investigator and was told it was pointless as I couldn't remember his name and only the place where we met. I hope you check back on this post i know it was a long time ago that you posted but i really would love to talk to you I havent met anyone else in this same situation.

 

May_Belle - October 4

Hi Babymummy, thanks for your email. My child is over 2 now and the guilt I felt when she was younger has eased a bit. I have just tried to concentrate of being a good mum to her. My family have been so good and take a huge interest in her. I still do get times where I panic at the thought of her asking questions and still feel bad about the situation but not nearly as bad as I did at the start. She isn't aware yet that she doesn't have a dad around. Just to let you know that I also posted a similiar post on another chat page and about 6 girls responded saying they were in exactly the same boat so we are not alone. This probably happens way more than anyone thinks it does. I am like you, I still feel guilty that she won't know who her father is but can't keep punishing myself for it. I tried everythhing to find him when I discovered I was pregnant. I was really hard on myself for a long time and I got so down about it a doctor suggested I get some counselling. I did go to a counsellor and I have to say it really helped to talk about it.

 

pregnant_single - October 8

If you are single and pregnant, you don't have to be! Check out my profile for Facebook page information on finding a man that will love and adore you during and after your pregnancy, or search 'Pregnant and Single' in Facebook. I have also established a Yahoo group called 'PREGNANTNSINGLENLA' to put single pregnant women together with men who possess a strong s_xual attraction for pregnant woman. So, if you're still pregnant and single, that is purely your choice as you don't have to be.

 

alocin1 - November 1

Hi May Bell Id really love to talk to mums in this situation as it does make you feel totally alone, Its only when i read things like this i realise im not the only one at all! I had a one night stand on holiday when i was in my teens and the result ended in pregnancy. I had a contact for this guy on MSN and he decided to totally ignore me when i told him of the pregnancy, To this day (7 years on) I still cant trace him! I cant help feeling there must be something that we can all do! If anyone in a similar situation wants to talk can find me at facebook.com/xxnickileexx

 

pregnant_single - November 1

Facebook page information on finding a man that will love and adore you during and after your pregnancy, or search 'Pregnant and Single' in Facebook. I have also established a Yahoo group called 'PREGNANTNSINGLENLA' to put single pregnant women together with men who possess a strong s_xual attraction for pregnant woman. So, if you're still pregnant and single, that is purely your choice as you don't have to be. There are men out here that will love you and really want to be with you right now!

 

8YLAN - January 26

2 years after this post. I was in the same situation in 2004. It is now 2012 and I feel like I need to find out who I was with. I was only 19 and did not consider the consequences of my actions. I figured I had unprotected s_x for 4 months straight and I did not get pregnant why would it happen this time around. I vaguely remember him but did not get his last name. I recall him saying that the condom slipped off inside me & when I found out he cheated on his gf with me. I should have told her that I was pregnant... I couldnt bring myself to it because I did not know what was going on. I wish I could go back and time. So I totally know how you feel. Is there any hope for people like us or does every cast a stone at a simple mistake?

 

teresa 1 - June 21

hi, i have just found your comment may-belle, i am in the exact same situation, my daughter is now 6 and after 1 night stand dont no her fathers name or anything about him. have tried papers and exhausted all ways of finding him. i have never found any one in this situation to talk to.

 

BabyMummy - June 21

teresa1, i would love to know how you are getting on, my daughter is only 18 months so haven't had to deal with any questions from her yet, how have you handled questions that your daughter has asked you about her father? I feel guilty as I can't even tell my daughter her fathers name or anything about him, i want to be completely honest with her in an age appropriate way so there are no secrets I dont want her to be ashamed or anything. It is so good to know I am not the only one in this situation because it sure feels like it

 

pregnant_single - June 21

If you are single and pregnant, you don't have to be! Check out my profile for Facebook page information on finding a man that will love and adore you during and after your pregnancy, or search 'Pregnant and Single' in Facebook. I have also established a Yahoo group called 'PREGNANTNSINGLENLA' to put single pregnant women together with men who possess a strong s_xual attraction for pregnant woman and who are extremely excited to begin a relationship with you. So, if you're still pregnant and single, that is purely your choice as you don't have to be.

 

teresa 1 - June 21

getting on ok, met my current partner when my daughter was 3, so as far as she nos that is her real father. dont no how i will ever tell her that he isnt her father. i went out and had to much to drink and had 1 night stand and dont have any info at all about her father. every birthday that comes around brings it all back, the guilt gets really bad at times. its like im greiving for some one that died, if that makes sense. i cla__s myself as a sensible person with a good job, so this situation can happen to any one. how are u dealing with your situation? great to hear from some one, this is first time in 6 years i have found some one in my situation.

 

teresa 1 - June 27

hi may-bell, great to hear from you. i moved out of my parents house when my daughter was 2, she is very close to her grand parents. i think it would be great for u to gain a bit of independence. some days i drive myself mad going through facebook looking to c if i can c anyone that looks familar, that could b her father, it sounds a bit mad, but i feel terrible guilt. you are right u hear of people not knowing there babies father but its betweeen 2 men, were as our situation is that we really do not no. did u get any info about your daughters father?

 

BabyMummy - June 27

Lovely to hear from you both, so sorry you are having such a hard time with finding a house on your own May_belle :( I know what you mean about being humiliated I try to avoid anything like that when I am going to be questioned about my daughters father :( Teresa1 , you are not mad at all I do the exact same thing with facebook lol, glad to hear someone else does that too! I am constantly searching for my daughters father and wish anything in the world I could just at least know his name so I had something to work with, but I know its really unlikely thats ever going to happen so trying to accept that. Maybe we should make a private group on facebook for us to chat on we can make settings so only we can see what we write to each other etc? it might be easier to chat and we can ask each other questions etc when things come up, as we are probably going to face many of the same challenges What do you ladies think ? :-)

 

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