Pregnant By Married Man But

4 Replies
Wander52 - March 1

So here's the deal. I was friends with a married man, and he had 2 kids with his wife. HE LEFT HER. The papers weren't filed but they'd had problems for a while and he couldn't take it. They split up, he moved out and stayed proactive in his kids lives. He and I dated for over a year (again, she knew, I spent holidays with his family! This was not an affair). I became pregnant. When he told his ex, she said if he didn't go back with them he'd never see the kids again. Mind you, I know she doesn't have that control but clearly he's a weak coward. So I told him to leave me alone and he ended up moving back with his ex. Now our daughter us due, I'm happy, living a good life with no "mate" and with my son. We are excited for the new addition and life is good. No wallowing for us, we are making the best of everything. Now my ex, who is miserable and hates his wife, clearly still loves me. This is however unimportant- because unless he gets divorced I don't want him... BUT he wants to be in our daughters life. But his wife will assuredly make it miserable for all and introduce ignorant drama which i refuse to expose my kids to. I understand both parents participation is important... But I feel like in reality he's a pathetic coward who is so weak to his "wife" (who is abusive and awful- he basically had battered woman's syndrome) that his participation which will surely be minimal will do more harm than good. Should I just day good riddance and raise my two kids drama free and happy? I just don't know what's in her best interest- but feeling second rate can't possibly be right. Better a beautiful loving absent illusion than a present, cowardly, negligent letdown?

 

Grandpa Viv - March 1

Interesting triangle which will probably play out over the next 18 years. My opinion is that you should agree to some specific visitation arrangement, but keep him at arms length. Go find some other relationship for your own satisfaction. Maybe sometime down the pike he and his wife will officially split. If you are free at the time you could rea__sess the situation. Good luck!

 

Wander52 - March 1

Ugh, that was really my original plan... But as delivery closes in, I'm feeling so hesitant that in allowing a relationship I'm putting her in a position to feel valuable and unwanted. It'd be maybe easier for her to swallow if her dad lived far away- but to have a vague, distant relationship where she sees him occasionally I would think is more damaging- as she will be left to wonder why he doesn't take more interest in her life. I do love him, and believe in his own narcissist way he loves me- but I don't think either of our feelings really matter. The situation is complex and I don't want to bring a child into this bs. It's completely unfair to do to her... And I don't begin to know how to comprehend how negative I feel towards him for allowing such a nightmare to exist and get out of control. My kids (all kids) deserve better. And likely I'll someday embark on another relationship- but it will not involve my kids. They need to be the focus and I won't be exposing them to men coming into their lives that they can't count on. So I'll live like a widow, lol, and have a private personal life when they are older. As for reconnecting with her dad, I think of it- but am not sure I can forgivehim for his actions. I'll always want what's best for him, his kids, my kids, everyone. I just feel like I need to create a stable home- whatever it takes. That's the minimum of what children deserve.

 

Singlemommy - May 19

Im new but im kinda in the same situation! I've Decided i want nuthn to do with d father! Let them Live in misery girl!! Im going thru such a hard time idk!!

 

Grandpa Viv - May 20

Singlemommy, sorry the relationship did not work out. You'll be able to tough it out and make a good life for yourselves. Is this your first child?

 

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