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My experience with hundreds of people during the last twenty years shows that the chances for rebuilding trust depend on some basic behaviors on the part of the person who had an affair: --severing all contact with the third party --answering all your questions --hanging in while you deal with the understandable emotions --respecting your need to talk with others about this life-altering experience --going to counseling with you if they wish to get professional help --being willing to "report in" as to their whereabouts --accepting that it will take a long time for you to trust again All this is aimed at strengthening the bond that has been broken. It demonstrates a willingness to handle problems in a responsible way instead of trying to bury them, avoid them, or hope they go away. There are no shortcuts; the only way through this situation is to face it head on and deal with it. Even then, it will be difficult for everyone. Certainly, no one (either the one who had an affair or their partner) wants to drag this out; it's so painful and uncomfortable that everybody wants it to be over quickly, but it can't be rushed. So unless both people are willing to commit to honesty and to investing the time and energy necessary to deal with all this, they're unlikely to make it together; or if they do, the emotional distance from the lack of commitment to doing what's necessary leads to a deadened, meaningless marriage. But there is hope that by actively working together, you can come through this with a stronger relationship and greater trust than you had before. A crisis like this provides a chance to "get it right"—something most of us didn't really do in the first place when we had a kind of "blind trust" and just a__sumed everything would work out all right. I can honestly say that I would never have chosen to go through all this in order to get to the kind of relationship we have now; but since it did happen, we learned from it and devoted ourselves to developing a strong bond based on complete honesty and a commitment to fairness and equality. Because of this, our trust is stronger than it ever was before the affairs.

The posts between: Name: StressedToo | Date: March 13, 2006, 21:35 AND Name: StressedToo | Date: March 13, 2006, 21:43 ARE NOT MINE. If it was an error then please clarify, if they were made in an attempt to confuse others into thinking that I made the posts then what can I say? You even confused me LOL!

To whoever posted this: "But there is hope that by actively working together, you can come through this with a stronger relationship and greater trust than you had before." I have said this before: If you are really able to do this you are a much better person that I will ever be. I find it hard to understand how you can learn to trust MORE someone that has let you down before. If you have been through this and came out with a better relationship CONGRATULATIONS! But what is the ratio between successfull stories and total failures? 1:1? 1:2? 1:10? And to this: "but since it did happen, we learned from it and devoted ourselves to developing a strong bond based on complete honesty and a commitment to fairness and equality." In my humble opinion: Isn't this what it should have been in the first place? People take certain vows when they get married in the first place, to respect and cherish the other person, to honest and truthful to the other are among the most important ones. If one finds what he/she believes to be a good reason/excuse to break this vows/trust once there is a strong possibilty that he/she will find a reason/excuse to do it again. In my point of view trust is something that once broken can't be fixed 100%. The original poster in this thread asked for advice, I gave mine based on what I have seen. If one of your employees steals money from you, would you give him/her a second chance? Would you try and work it out? Would you fire him on the spot after making him sign legal papers where he/she commits to pay you back? Would you live next door to a s_x offender or a murderer? Most people would not, simply because most people believe this people will not change and they are potential danger. Why will a cheater be any different (granted the gravity of the crime is much worst) than this guys in terms of ability to change behaviours? Why take a chance to get hurt again? Wasn't the first time painful enough? In complete honesty I admit that some s_x offenders and murderes have been proved to change, but will you be the one willing to bet on them? I'm not! By the way, I'm just stating my opinions, not impossing them in any way.

Whoa! I'm going to bed. No way am I going to read all of that tonight! (I will give you one thing ... that IS pretty funny.)

I can't believe he is actually trying to prove his opinion as fact without see the other side to the debate at ALL! Dude, it dosn't matter HOW many forums you cut and paste from - you are only STILL presenting one side. Give it up!!!

to ug that was the worst advice ever there are people on this site that are hoping and praying that they will get pregnant if she chooses on her own to get an abortion than thats her decision but dont be so ignorant and insensitive its not the babies fault that he cheated and sam sounds perfectly capable to raise a child with or without her wandering husband.

"I can't believe he is actually trying to prove his opinion as fact without see the other side to the debate at ALL! Dude, it dosn't matter HOW many forums you cut and paste from - you are only STILL presenting one side. Give it up!!!". LOL! I should present the other side? I'm stating what my opinios are, simple as that, I'm not writing a thesys. Please note that THE WHOLE LOTTA POSTS someone made are not mine! He used my screen name.

You are very handy at cutting and pasting - must be your only skill as you have nothing else better to do. which is obvious from reading all of these posts. I agree with Sir Write - you are an imbecile. So what if you have a billion case studies supporting your opinion? So what? There is always going to be one person out there with a different view. What's the big deal? Why do you seem to have this obsession to be proven correct? I would get theapy on that, if I were you. Personally, I too, know a few cheaters who have not cheated again so it really dosn't matter what you say, do, post - your opinion is what it is - wrong. Have a nice one! Oh, you can copy and paste that too :)

Wow: Its a matter of opinion I guess. I think you are the imbecile, you are unable to comprehend what you read. I have stated that this are my opinions based on what I've seen. I don't have no need to be proven right, it has been proven right by many who were naive enough to give the cheater a second chance. "You are very handy at cutting and pasting - must be your only skill as you have nothing else better to do." Are you stating that as a fact? You are able to reach that conclusion based on some posts I've made on this web site? You must be a very intelligent observer! Hm, no I meant to say you are stupid, yes, thats it. Anyway, I have stated my opinions as an advice to the person that started this thread. If someone wants to take it Ok, if not then thats OK too. I really have nothing more to add to this thread, some people in here are acusing me of being a hard headed because I can't see it their way, when they too can't be open enough to aknowledge there might be different opions than theirs. At least I have said that we have to agree that we disagree, while this people insist in me seeing it their way and calling me an a__s for not doing so. Its hard to try and make people respect themselves which has been what I have been trying to do. If some of you have been cheated on and don't have the guts to respect yourselves and choose to live with someone that has hurted you and broken your trust on purpose, then live the life you choose and live it happily. However if you get cheated on again, and chances are that it will happen, just please remember this "imbecile" told you so! A couple of nights ago I had some friends over, I showed them this thread and the general consensus was that if you are have no self respect and are willing to take a cheater back then you probably deserve to be cheated on again for being pathetic and stupid.

Stressed too - Kristi, Please go back and read your posts! You are both idiots! Drop it and get a life!

Wow! This post just goes on and on... and here I am adding my post to it. Just two comments: Kristi...congratulations on getting your marriage back together. My Mother has said that "It's harder to save a marriage sometimes than it is to walk away". I hope you and your husband keep the happiness you have found together. To StressedToo: What kind of friends and family members do you have? I have many friends and family members and only a couple of them have cheated. You either have boastful people in your life who don't mind discussing their affairs, or you know many people will questionable morals. Why are so many of the people you know cheating on their spouses? May you both have peace and happiness in your lives!

"To StressedToo: What kind of friends and family members do you have? I have many friends and family members and only a couple of them have cheated.". According to this web sites: http://www.proactive-coach.com/marriage/infidelity-statistics.htm , http://www.divorcepeers.com/stats31.htm, http://www.divorcetransitions.com/articles/infidelity.htm, http://kpatra.com/discoveringinfidelity.htm. From one of those web sites: "The Infidelity Statistics are Shocking It was shocking read the statistics citing how widespread infidelity is. Though they vary from study to study, the most widely accepted figures indicate that between 50 and 70 percent of married men (between 38 and 53 million men) have cheated or will cheat on their wives. One study found that 2/3 of the wives (26 to 36 million women) whose husbands were cheating had no idea their husbands were having an affair -- largely because they failed to recognize the telltale signs. Yet the media continues to treat infidelity as a form of entertainment. Movies, novels, soap operas, talk shows, gossip columns and women’s magazines continue to dramatize, trivialize and glamorize extramarital affairs. Few people other than its victims take it seriously. " Yup, *I* have very weird friends and family memebers! LOL!