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im online almost all day everyday on yahoo m_sweetgurl

This is my first time writting but I read alot on here at the beginning of the year when I was suffering really bad! I had my son last year in nov.and started having ppd/anxiety a couple days after I left the hospital. I think i stressed myself out way too much and thats what started it. I've had anxiety and depression ever since I was 14 so I new what it was and new I could deal with it but the problem was taking care of my new baby with not much help and having the depression and anxiety at the same time. The depression was'nt that bad but my anxiety was horrible. I had a numb and warm feeling all over my body and it felt like I had weight on my chest. I went to the E.R and they gave me ativan. It helped alot, but since my psyc dr didnt want to give me a refil( because ativan's addicting) The anxiety came right back when I ran out. Then to make things worse a friend told me how ppd mothers have killed there babies and all this horrible stuff. So next thing I know Im thinking about what she said and counldnt get it out of my head. It was like a broken record I coudnt stop. I didnt know what it was because Ive never experienced anything like it. The next 4 mths were the worst mths of my life. I was hospitalized on my own will and talk to a psyc that specialized in post partum mood disorders. It was so much better then talking to a regular psychiatrist. she told me all about ppocd and that 1 out of 100 women get it after child birth. Even though she told me that I still felt like there was something wrong with me, I was on paxil and it made the thoughts go away but I became really depressed and anxious again. To make a long story short It took me another trip to the hospital, a change in meds and finding a wonderful therapist to really make a difference. Getting the internet helped too, reading about other womens experience's. So thank you all for sharing. Now that it's been a year I still dont feel 100% better. I am doing alot better but I still dont feel like myself yet. Im starting to wonder if I'll ever feel the same?

hi yes it gets better it took me a yr to get back to norm. add me to yahoo m_sweetgurl we can talk about it and ask me ?'s thx blessing michelle

I know this post is years old, but could someone update me how they are doing? My thoughts and images have been terrible--I had myself convienced I was a pedophile for about 3 weeks. I wanted nothing to do with my daughter. I still have big problems changing her diaper and bathing her. I finally called an OCD therapist and finally have an appointment. Anyone else go through this sort of thing? I'm also terrified someone else will hurt her. So, it's not JUST me--it's others as well. I just need an update for someone.

I just replied to this post, but not sure if it actually got posted. Sorry if this is a repeat. I am the original poster. My daughter and I are doing wonderful! I recently finished my MSW degree, went through a horrible divorce (it was just finalized yesterday..after almost 1 year) and I am doing great! Getting treatment for my OCD (exposure therapy) was one of the best things that I have ever done for myself and my daughter. I promise you, it does get better. I wish you the best, and believe me you will get through this! My daughter is now 4 and is a very happy girl.

Thank you Amelia. Many people don't talk about the images that I get because they're not socially acceptable. I'm still terrified that I posted it on this wall, but I have to remember that I talked with a therapist and I'm apparently not the only one who's had these thoughts. I also have terrible car accident thoughts and seeing her face in a car accident that rips me to shreds. Everytime someone else on the road makes a boo boo I cry for like 15 minutes because it scared me so badly.

It is a shame that people do not talk about such things because EVERYONE has thoughts that are unwanted and disturbing. We need to give ourselves permission that it is ok that we cannot control our thoughts. The more we try to control our thoughts, the stronger they seem to become. What is unique about OCD is that it's kinda like a "shape shifter" that OCD can focus on different things at different times. For example, if I felt that my bicycle was the most important thing in the world to me, my OCD would focus around my bicycle. I remember telling my doctor once that I could handle the OCD if it was about anything else other than about my daughter. He replied: "That's why it's about your daughter, she is the most important above all else to you". Please listen to mindfulness for beginners by Jon Kabat-Zinn. He explains how to teach ourselves to view thoughts as sounds. He gives the example of hearing noise of a garbage truck. When I hear the noise of a garbage truck, I am not making any judgments about myself. I am not connected to the garbage truck, etc., it is not me. We can view our thoughts the same way, they are just "noise". No judgment about ourselves regarding our thoughts. People with OCD often link and believe their thoughts are actually actions. They are not. The thoughts are just noise. You are not a bad person because you have these thoughts. Ask yourself this question, and it may sound silly: Are you a bad person because the garbage truck made noise and woke you up? No, of course not! It was just noise! In addition, since these thoughts scare you, this is really proof that the chance of you ever acting on them is so very very slim, that you would actually have more of a chance of winning every state lottery this year (see how impossible winning every state lottery this year would actually be)!!. I hope this gives you some perspective on OCD. I am on facebook. Amelia Simms, Edwardsville, IL. Please anyone that needs some support go ahead and "friend" me. Hugs Amelia Simms, MSW

i am 21 weeks pregnant and i worry so much that i am going to become a bad person. such bad thoughts come into my head and i worry i will be a horrible mother and i never want to be. being pregnant has been so hard for me. my boyfriend didnt want it and his mother sat there for an hour and yelled at me telling me i am the most selfish and horrible person for keeping the baby, i am 19 years old. and i feel like im falling apart like my mind is going crazy and i dont want to go crazy. i am so unhappy and feel like i have nothing to look forward to in life and i have too much time on my hands so i sit there and think and my thoughts just dont help. will it go away? am i crazy? i dont want to be, and i never ever want to be a bad person i cry everyday for hours about it. i cant hardly eat and that is so bad for my baby so i sit and cry about that too. what can i do to take it away. can i take anything while i am pregnant to help? i dont want to go crazy...

Amanda, First off, Congratulations on being pregnant! Second, it sounds like that your boyfriend and his mother are the ones that are horrible, not you!! It is not uncommon to feel depressed during pregnancy, especially with your hormones and your environment definately plays a huge factor in how you feel. You are not crazy, and actually quite smart to recognize what you are feeling. There are many antidepressants that are safe to take while you are pregnant. For example, Zoloft is one antidepressant that has been well researched. There are several safe ones. Please see your doctor about this. and please tell them everything (do not minimize what you are feeling). My first trimester I actually lost 12 pounds because I could hardly even keep water down. Guess what? My little girl is 4 and fantastic and very very healthy!!! You need to be around people that will support you in your decision and respect you. Yelling at you show that they have no cla__s and no respect. Maybe find a moms club, a church, something to find positive people. Turns out my postpartum depression would have been so less severe if I was actually around positive people after I had my daughter. Good luck and blessings to you and your baby.

Can anyone tell me how to reconnect with my baby? I want so badly to look at her with the warmth I used to.

Hello, I just read through this entire thread thankfully it wasn't any longer but sad that there are many women that are as terrified as I have been in the past with this disease. It is very scary to have these thoughts about your child, the one you brought into this world and are trying to keep safe. To talk about the thoughts we have is also a scary thing to do. My story... if you all would like to read... and it is not at all complete. I wish that I could say my thoughts are gone but they aren't... that is why i came on to research. I had always struggled with anxiety, not really ocd behavior but a little because of my scary thoughts, no long routines or the common aflictions you have with obssesions. I am fortunate in that, and I now know how scary they can be and how daunting as well. I went on and off meds and learned how to "control" my anxiety to teh best of my ability off meds and with my "own therapy". I never went and I wish I had. When my daughter was born in 06 after a 3rd trimester of anxiety of losing her during pregnancy... almost all of my anxious thoughts were filtered around my child. Would she die of SIDS, will the blanket smother her, is she breathing, will the bottle choke her, will she not wake up, will someone come in and steal her, and others of course. The normal thoughts that mothers can have, but these turned into obsessions. My biggest scare was the stories you hear on the tv about mothers hurting or worse killing their children. I became obsessed with how awful that was and what if i have an episode where I would do that to my baby. Of course I never woudl dream of my baby hurting and I tried to put these thoughts away... they came and went for 3 years especially during stressful times. One day I thought about testing to see if I would actually hurt her... I did not hurt her of course. But the intense guilt and sadness was so much worse than it was just with the "normal" intrusive thoughts. So I dropped my daughter off at daycare and drove myself to the doctor's office. Somehow in my sobbing conversation, they thought that I was angry and wanting to drown my child and kill myself. I do not want to kill myself, do not want to kill my child but I was just wanted these thoughts to stop. They sent me to the mental hospital and I willingly went because I thought I was crazy. I had no support from tthese doctors, they just sent me away. I admitted myself in the hospital that day and what happened after (and mind you, there are people who need to be there and I support these hospitals) I noticed right away that I just needed therapy, some anti anxiety meds and a supportive hand. Basically the hospital scared me even more and when I got out my thoughts that came and went occasionally were CONSTANT and zoloft didn't help and made me very depressed. Choosing to go to the doctor when I was at my lowest point could have been a helpful thing.. but my experience was not... However, leaving the hospital, made me realize that I was not crazy, I was misunderstood by myself and I was determined to get myself help in a correct manner. After two months and two different drugs I went off my medicines with the help of the psychyatrist and therapist... The therapy was beautiful, I really just needed someone to tell me that I would never do those things that I imagined and have a turn around and get myself better. I have realized that I have all the power to accept my thoughts, to have a healthy outlook, to allow myself to heal, to LOVE my daughter and to enjoy her fully for once. IT has been a year and a few months since I had this "breakdown" of sorts. I am not proud of it, but I am proud of how I came out of it. I still struggle with the intrusive thoughts, but I didn't fully let myself heal and this takes time. I know it may seem like this will never go away. Talking to people and learning about yourself and "living int he moment" ( i know that sounds so hokey, but it's true) I ahve always had a problem with being up in my brain too much, thinking about other things besides what's really going on. I have also found myself to not "let myself NOT have intrusive thoughts" if that makes sense. LIke when I round the corner to go do my nightly check, Im used to feeling scared that Im going to hurt her. I am learning to not let triggers affect me. I am learning with help because I want to know how to take care of myself and thoughts forever and not be scared of my thoughts forever. We all just want to enjoy our children. I am so glad that people have come here to talk about these problems you and I are having. This helps us all including ourselves. Silveryblue, the way I started reconnecting with my daughter was to in a way force myself to think of her to look at her to live in the moment of holding her, finding her little smiles, hearing her little conversations of her made up words she has with her dolls, looking at the lines on her face, and just allowing myself to enjoy her. WE can do it.. we just have to allow it and not let fear hold us back. It took me 3 and a half years for the beginning of truly enjoying my daughter and i'm not even there yet. IT's a process and you are not bad, just a little scared and distant. Think of your baby in positive ways and I think it will help. I Hope I helped you.. All I wanted for years was to enjoy her and to be her mommy.. I know you can and will do that.. it takes practice believe it or not. xx

Silveryblue, I just want to say as another mom who once suffered from postpartum OCD, those horrible and intrusive thoughts that come to you about the possibility of you being a pedophile are not coming from YOU, they're coming from a temporary hormonal/mental imbalance. Keep in mind that there is no known case of a mother with postpartum OCD EVER acting on her strange thoughts/compulsions. the mothers that have hurt their children in almost every case had a psychosis not just an OCD (meaning that they weren't bothered by the thoughts they had about hurting their baby, because they thought they were coming from God etc and should be acted on, whereas with OCD you can recognize that the thoughts are unwanted). You are NOT crazy or bad. You know that these troubling, unwanted thoughts are not something you truly in your heart would ever want to act on--they are just frightening thoughts you're having and wish would go away. You would never act on them. The most frightening part of PPOCD is wondering if you ever would act on one's upsetting thoughts. Just knowing that the scientific data overwhelmingly supports the idea that you NEVER will can give you the piece of mind to shrug it off when these unwanted thoughts occur. When you change your baby's diaper, I suggest not letting yourself get too upset or disgusted with yourself when you have unwanted OCD thoughts. Just detach yourself from the thought and remind yourself, "I'm providing my baby with the care she needs. I love her. I would never hurt her, and I am a good person. Someday these unwanted thoughts will be gone, but in the meantime I will love myself and not let this OCD ruin my life or hurt my bond with my sweet child." Or whatever. I just personally found that talking myself through it helped me to stay focused on the fact that I am a good mother and it's not my "fault" that I have this disorder, and that I'm strong enough person to get through it. It's been one year for me now and the thoughts are 95% gone and my toddler girl is the happiest, healthiest child I could have ever dreamed of. We have a close bond and I love being around her (whereas I used to want to stay as far away as possible because of my frightening thoughts of hurting her) I just want to offer some hope for all of you sweet mothers, that "this too shall pa__s". God bless you with light and love. You'll get this through this and it will make you a better, kinder, more compa__sionate person who has more empathy and understanding for others who suffer from conditions that perhaps other people don't understand.

Hi everyone! I just wanted to let you and future posters know that I'm doing amazingly better. I got a self directed book and went to a therapist and although my OCD tries to attack, I let the thoughts happen and the panic isn't there anymore. If it is, I write the thought down and let the panic happen while writing it. It usually subsides and I go on my merry way. I feel soooooooooooo much better so thank you all.

Hi Girls I'm a husband and a dad, and the combination of these two are just wonderful. I love my wife and my daughter, they are the best two things that could have happened to me. Rosemarie, my wife, also went through really severe postpartum OCD, the psychotic type. She hallucinated and constantly saw how she hurts Mary-Ann. To be honest, it was scary. Since I met Rosemarie, she had a constant battle against depression. Than triggered me to learn as much as I can about it. What I found was that depression are caused on two levels - emotional and biological. Both need to be addressed. Therapy and a supportive group (church, friends, etc) are great for the emotional side. Don't only be friends with people with depression, be friends with upbeat people who never had a down day in their lives. OK, I'm exaggerating, but you got the point. On a biological level there are two natural treatments that work way better than medication (anti depressants). Nutrition and exercise. One study found that exercise is a more effective treatment for depression that medication. Some British doctors also rather prescribe exercise than drugs. Another researcher said that exercise gives you an immediate lift. On a nutritional level, a deficiency in omega 3 is the most common reason for depression. By taking a good quality omega 3 supplement, you can turn depression around very quickly. Minimizing non-nutritious food and eating a balanced diet is next in line. Supplementing it with a well balanced multivitamin and excellent meal replacements are what you can also do. One day, when both me and Rosemarie was fed up with this postnatal depression, we went and buy a lot of Herbalife's products. We are using it for years now, but mainly the core products. That day we went and buy a couple of extra products. To this day it is non-negotiable that she drink her omega 3 supplement and her Tang Kuei (a Chinese herb), on top of the core Herbalife products. When she experiences a bad day, she increases these supplements. By getting rid of the nutritional deficiencies, your mind will stop playing it's tricks. Most days we go for an hour walk. She recently went through a bad patch. At that stage we were not really doing anything active. At first she was unwilling to get walking again. A couple of days later, she dragged me along on these walks. Summing it up - don't only focus on your emotions, but focus on improving your health as well. Nutrition and exercise is the way to improve these. When looking at Rosemarie and Mary-Ann, it is almost unreal that things were out of sync just a couple of months ago. Rosemarie and Amelia (above) are living proof that there is definite solutions.

i reconnected with my baby slowly i started out with my husband helping me and then moved on to doing it myself. i recommend help 1st cuz its hard to just jump in and do it alone. i would play with rattlers or sit up toys and so forth silveryblue you know how to reach me im always on yahoo just message me anytime :) blessings girly michelle

yay i read this and am so proud of you!!! good job mama! it takes a lot to ask for help and then go thru it. you did good! talk to me anytime on yahoo im pretty much always on and would love to hear from you about how you and the lil one are doing :) talk soon Blessings to you and your beautiful family michelle