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again contact me anyone at m_sweetgurl at hotmail.com because i have been thru everything and back and i feel fantastic now .......trust me it gets wayyyyy better with meds, psych and therapist :)

lostone how are you doing? i was curious because after reading your comment i too had that same problem. let me know if you need to email me or chat on yahoo blessings i am a licensed social worker now

Hello new mum, I think that's great, that you can talk to your partner about it. I hope he's understanding and supportive through your journey out of your mind's prison as you so aptly put it. My partner has had depression in the past, and has been almost always supportive about my OCD and its side-effects (he does get frustrated on the odd occasion but I can understand that). Being able to tell him really helped me, too, because I didn't know who to talk to and I was afraid that someone would take my baby away from me. But my partner allayed a lot of my fears, and said he trusted me completely with our daughter. I used to have that obsession about regrets, not having done things 'right' in the past and wishing with all my heart I could go back and do it 'right'. The reason I put 'right' in inverted commas is because, well, as I said before, that perfection I seek is another trick of my mind; a figment of my imagination. I've just happened to have decided something done A and B, not C and D, would have been perfect, and I can't let go of that thought. Whereas in truth, what is perfection really? It's what you decide it to be. I remember once looking at this picture of an autumn tree, with all its leaves scattered everywhere, and I suddenly realised they weren't 'perfectly scattered', in a neat way or by some method... but actually, looking at the big picture, they were perfect, the leaves falling wherever they did. I put a picture up of an autumn tree with its leaves all scattered around it 'imperfectly', because whenever I looked at that it reminded me that it actually was perfect, in its imperfection. I hope that makes sense to you :)

Hello Happy2B Thank you for your comments. You have hit the nail on the head with what you have said. I do wish with all my heart that I could turn back the clock sometimes and then everything will just be okay, I'll finally be at peace. As you say if only I dindn't do A, BCD wouldn't have happened. 'A' could be so insignificant that if I try and talk about it, it just seems ridiculous. I'll loop my head trying to make it all fit and resolve what has happened over and over again. I keep trying to talk to my partner about it but weeks later my concern over 'A' just seems absolutely mad.I appreciate your comment of trying to see these thoughts as clouds and letting them drift away, this resolution seems out of my reach at the moment though. I hope I can one day achieve it. I completely understand what you are saying about the picture and the need for perfection. Funnily enough these are the other two main issues that I am dealing with at the moment. We have had some photos taken of our daughter and I am completely obsessed that I have chosen the wrong pictures to have framed, hightented by the fact that they are so expensive. We had a family picture taken of us both looking down at her, it would have been perfect as she is looking directly at me but my hairis flopping down covering my face and my top is unflattering. Why didn't I choose the other picture! Why didn't I attend to my appeance before? This has been made worse because I have been staring at it all day and I am thinking I'm always going to be looking at this and it will always eat me up. My partner has suggested that we don't have anymore photos taken as it has caused too many problems. The photographs were the one things that I wanted to get right - yet again something that could have made me so happy is making me so sad. Round again it goes. I'm frightened that I'm spending so much time thinking about these issuse that I am losing the precious happy time when my little girl is a baby. Also if I do manage to get pa__sed this will I regret this brain time on something that wasn't worth it. More traps. I'm exhausted thinking about it. If I made the decision rather than someone else the OCD is much much worse. Thank you for letting me reply to your post. I think it has really dawned on me today that I am actually suffering from OCD and have done for many many years. Like you said from a young child. All of these 'weird' habbits are all knitted together under this OCD umbrella, so at least I know they are connected. I think my next step would be to get some cognitive therapy. It sounds like you have learned to live with/fight this disorder, now I know that this exists as a mind disease, I am so happy that you have learned to overcome it. Thank you once again for the opportuinty to air these feelings.

Hello, 6 weeks after having my baby girl i started getting symptoms of pp OCD and i can honestly say it was the worst experience of my life. I am very lucky because my partner of 11 years was so supportive and understanding but telling him was very hard. I didn't go to the doctors for almost 7 months because i was worried they would take her away and i really love her so instead i hid knives, pillows etc anything that i could hurt her with. I made sure i did a lot of exercise whilst she was asleep because i found that helped my state of mind. If i had to bath her by myself i would take her swimming instead because i figured some one would stop me from drowning her there. I did all sorts of things like that to get me through the day without too many thought's. Once i was left with her over night and i got into my head that i would sleep walk and smother her so i tied my legs together when i went to bed so i would fall flat on my face and wake up just in case i did start to sleep walk. Writing it down now it looks funny but at the time these fears were very real! I struggled for ages but didn't tell many people until i found one week i couldn't cope any longer and needed help so i went to my doctor and it made things worse. He looked at me as if i was crazy and just gave me some anti depressants. I was so sad i went to see another doctor but he wasn't much help either but, he did give me a number for a cognitive behavioral therapist and that was the start of me getting better. It cost me £300 but its the best money I've EVER spent. She was supportive and gave me some techniques to over come my thoughts when i had them. After 6 weeks i felt like a different person. Its been two years since i had little one and even though the experience was really bad i think i'm a better mother for it. I remember all the good times and i put extra effort into her because it makes me feel better about my skills as a mother. She is very happy and so am i. Its not all plain sailing, around my time of the month i can still struggle with the thoughts but on the whole i'm okay. They are getting further apart so I'm happy with that. When people ask me if I'm having any more children i feel ashamed to say no but I would never want to experience pp OCD to that degree again. I do feel guilty because i would love her to have a brother or sister but i don't think i could put us all through that again. I'm sure when i tell her when shes older she will understand. I know when i was going through my really bad days it really helped reading what happened to other people, so i hope if your reading this it helps you a little. x

doing the right thing would be telling the drs right away this is a VERY SERIOUS disease im not saying any of you are wrong for what you did but i want the message spread to tell a psych dr or a therapist or nurse anyone medical would help even an obgyn. when you hide this things will only get worse .....and they can take your baby away if you wait becuase your more likely to get aggressive with your baby. please NOTE TAKE YOURSELF TO A PLACE OF HELP PLS. if you need me you all know how to reach me ! thanks again and im sorry if this offends anyone but it needed to be said after the last post. NEVER hide something like this from anyone everyone like your husband or partner should know including a dr 1st or nurse. thanks Nurse Michelle

I want to add an update to this old comment of mine. For some women PPOCD does NOT go away after just a few months (like it did for me). For some women once your hormones get back in order it goes away, for some women the ocd can stick around for years. That's okay. We're all different--our brain chemistry and physiology is unique. The important thing is that there is treatment and help available whether it's a lifelong struggle or just a short-term one--you don't (and shouldn't) have to suffer through this alone. I thought my husband would be so mad at me and hate me, but he didn't. Once he understand that PPOCD is a real thing and not my fault, he loved me and supported me and that made a big difference. Maybe some women's husbands won't be as supportive as mine, but having professional help will make all the difference. Trying to suffer through it alone just makes it worse. My mom is a teacher and was telling a group of 5 older teachers at lunch about my condition and she says 3 OUT OF THE 5 started bawling. They had had it too as young mothers and had NEVER told anyone. They couldn't believe they weren't alone. Each thought they were the only ones. I think this condition is WAY more common than we know, because women are understandably afraid to share their stories and get help. Let's stop that cycle and be a part of the solution instead.

n sweetgurl.I know it is a very serious condition and i was not recommending anyone to keep it to themselves. I was just saying what happened to me. I did speak to my health adviser about it when it first started happening but he advised me that it would fade as i got more confident as a mother. I obviously didn't have the right help. I would just like to add that as a nurse you should know that with or without any help you would NEVER get aggressive with your baby if you are suffering from postpartum OCD. You are over protective and would do anything to stop that, they are just thoughts nothing else. Also no one would take your baby away from you, you are the safest person to be around you baby because you are VERY aware of all the dangers. I think what you posted is quite irresponsible and you should do some research before commenting!

Hello, I posted on this website a while ago and have been helping and talking to people and reading when people have responded to my post. I am sorry to be responding in this matter but I will not sit back and listen to the nonsense from someone that claims to be a trained professional. I am not trained even if I have taken many cla__ses, participated in therapy, talked with others and read and researched. I do not have my license and I am not able to give constructive advice. When people on this website claim to have a license or are a Doctor, take there advice with a grain of salt because there is no way to know for sure... Get your OWN help, do your OWN research, and talk to your OWN Professional.. Yes, this site can be helpful by hearing other people's experience to help cope and make a change in your own life. However, some people may not have exactly OCD or PPD and their condition could be more severe or they could just be a Mother who has a worry from time to time and wants to feel secure. That is why the advice on the internet is only opinion and experience. Msweetgurl is incorrect about OCD and anxiety, especially when talking about LilyMay and her experience. LilyMay made the right decision and she is making the right choices. I have read the entire thread again, today. What she(sweetgurl) has said about her own experience and what myself and LilyMay have spoken of ARE VERY different, there may be similarities in thoughts, but she is incorrect about the agressiveness and that they will take away your baby. This may have happened to her, but by what I've been reading, she is on the wrong thread and condition. "when you hide this things will only get worse .....and they can take your baby away if you wait becuase your more likely to get aggressive with your baby" from sweetgurl's post That is not correct, people who have OCD are not aggressive in the first place, they are overprotective and worried ABOUT their CHILD being HURT, NOT HAVING thoughts about HURTING their child. those two postpartum conditions are VERY different. I will not discuss other conditions besides OCD because I have not done research and I am not experiencing that. It is not what this thread is about and if someone doesn't know exactly what they are talking about when they speak and give advice about this condition, they should be banned from this thread. There is no reason to scare someone who is ALREADY scared about what is going on in their thoughts and actions. I agree with LilyMay in that if you want to speak about OCD get the facts straight before you post. For those that were even more scared by her post, please do research on your own, discuss your symptoms and experience with someone who is trained in this field, not by someone that claims to know something, is trained, and gives out false information. This thread is supposed to help women feel not alone and have an outlet to discuss things. Not to be terrified into speaking to a Therapist. However, a therapist/doctor can help tremendously and should be sought out, despite how nervous you are about discussing this. I do know it can be hard to tell someone because of the thoughts you have. LilyMay, I very much identified with your experience. Even after all this time, I still need to feel that I'm not alone in this and that others are also getting the help they need by also helping themselves. I apologize for bringing up your name in my post. Your posts are very responsible and insightful and hopefully this issue was cleared up. Thank you very much.

Thank you Lindsayrae, i was really worried about what m sweetgurl had posted, i thought i had offended people with what i wrote about my experience and i really don't want to come across the wrong way. I have read your post's and i couldn't agree more when you said about learning to connect with your daughter and take every part of her in. When i have the worst thoughts i make a special effort to spend quality time with her because i refuse to let the thoughts take me away from her. I'm pleased your feeling a lot better and very grateful for your last post. Thank you, Take care.

lindsayrae, you are WRONG in saying that women with ppocd do not have thoughts of harming their children. There are a whole wide range of ocd thoughts. Some women worry that outside hard will come to the child, but others have repet_tive thoughts/fears that they will themselves harm their child. But both thought patterns are considered PPOCD--as long as the mother experiences these thoughts as unwanted and realizes that they are not something they want to act on. You are correct in saying that PPOCD mothers aren't going to harm their child though either way, because it's not the same as postpartum psychosis where the mom has thoughts of harming the child but also experiences the thoughts as coming from God or somehow being something they should act on. I don't have PP psychosis, so I don't claim to know much about it, but I do know 100% that many women with PPOCD often have unwanted fears/thoughts that they will themselves harm their child, but the fact that they know these thoughts are not sane and rational thinking means that they aren't "crazy" and aren't going to act on it. It gave me a lot of comfort when a psychotherapist explained to me that there is no known case of a woman with PPOCD acting on her thoughts of harming her child--only women with Postpartum psychosis would potentially act on thoughts of harming her child-- and that is something entirely different than PPOCD and probably belongs on another thread.

i know what PPDOCD is dumb b___t i had it ....what im saying is that you dont wait till your on the edge to seek help im trying to warn those who may have it to seek it right away. i had 9 ECT treatments where they shock your brain i know ive been there hiding the knives because no one knew what i had till after i had my daughter and realized it was OCD and postpartum combined...so dont tell me anything you have no idea what ive been thru ok! so there. get over yourself. im trying to say words of wisdom not to be cruel. if i came off wrong im sorry i had my daughter screaming her head off and me tending to her so i might of came off wrong......what i meant to say to lily was im sorry your going thru this ive been there thru the whole shibang and had the worst of the worst done to me...i dont remember the first 6 months of my daughters life or her delivery or coming home cuz of the ects and now i have DID so i totally relate im saying seek help seek help! dont wait pls. and pa__s on the word. thanks and blessings and congrats too

I had PPDOCD and Psychosis so shes on the right thread.....dont tell people where they need to go..........shes at the right place lily your welcome to ask anything. thanks blessings congrats michelle

This is absurd, I will not fight over something like this. I said what I said and I want to clear up something. Read carefully before you start blasting, I made sure that I read carefully before I posted. First of all, I did not say that they do not have thoughts about harming their children. I said that they DID NOT WANT to harm their children. I, too have been through and still struggle with this from time to time. WHY would I purposely contradict myself especially when I study this in college and have my own experiences. I am not some outsider that needs to be attacked. I said many correct things, if they were worded wrong, then I apologize. I know exactly what PPOCD is. I do not need a lesson and I will make sure that when people give out false information, to take notice. Thank you. People do not need to be scared, they need to be pointed in the right direction. Take Care.

My apologies, I read my post a few times and I didn't see that I worded it wrong. I said that they do not have thoughts of hurting their children. I meant thoughts of WANTING to hurt their children. So by my wording, I am wrong. But as i said, I worded it wrong. Thank you for trying to tell me, I would noticed that and corrected as well. Again, I know exactly what it is, and by everything else I said and HAVE said, it should be evident. People have terrible grammar in here and they do not get blasted. I am trying to not scare someone MORE, who has recurring thoughts, by telling them that they will become more aggressive. Not something they need to hear when they are scared they will do it, as i said before, they need to be pointed in the right direction and given hope. I stand by my post. There isn't really anything to discuss further. I am sorry again for my wording.

Lindsayrae, I'm certainly not trying to annoy you and I appreciate all of your helpful comments. But when you write that women with PPOCD are "NOT HAVING thoughts about HURTING their child" when that's actually exactly what they're experiencing, I was worried that someone new to this thread could be confused if they read your post. I did carefully read your post and that's exactly why I felt it was important that we clarify that. Otherwise, I'm not disagreeing with anything you wrote. Finding this thread was an emotional "lifesaver" for me, so I hope and pray that others who have suffered in silence will also find this thread to discover they are not "freaks" or "evil" or horrible women for having unwanted thoughts of harming their child, and they certainly aren't alone. There is hope. We all agree on that and I know that all of us have the best intentions to support and help each other. God bless and I apologize if I've unintentionally offended anyone.