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Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries?.......A woman awakens during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."

haaaaaahaaaahaaa,,heeeeeheeehee.....thats soooooooooo funnnnnyyyyyyy..good one Chelsey

This is from www.lotsofjokes.com. I am pasting selectively or it would be long. YOU KNOW YOU'RE A MOM WHEN... You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your child's favorite toy and made him/her cry. You have time to shave only one leg at a time You hide in the bathroom to be alone Your child insists that you read Once Upon a Potty out loud in the lobby of the doctor's office, or, better yet, in the lobby of a Grand Central Station... and you do it. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend You hate the thought of his wife even more You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes. You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's mother. You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back the second time You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "Not in your good clothes!" You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you You read that the average five year old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is above average. You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job", but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything in the world... I just though this was cute. :o)

That was cute "mommy",and Chelsy,that was hilarious,it was not a good thinkto make me laugh today though!!! I read that "newcomer" thread and I think it's so "highschool-ish" not even worth commenting on it.It's probablysomebody that posted a stupid question.Oh well,I had moved (besides having Jesse) from the General Pregnancy forum over here b/c it's more "grown-up".Of course the "newcomer" is from the GP forum where everything is still "childish". PS thanks for your e-card.I'll think if i can come up with a joke to post.

Why did the snowman pull down his pants? He heard the snowb__wer was coming.

I lie awake waiting for you. As I lie on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you lay on my naked body... You sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you nearly drove me crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishings, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...................................................................................................................you f*cking mosquito!!

Lol! These are funny! Good idea to ease some tension from immature people who post stupid things! I can't think of any good jokes right now, but when I do, I'll post it. =)

The difference between Guts and B___s can be defined as follows:.....Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being a__saulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"...........B___s is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the a__s and saying, "You're next."

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?...1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it. 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.Your foot will change direction!!! I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it.

Ha ha ! These are great! I'm going to have to tell my DH the one about the "Love Story"! The bugger goes to the pub too much!

The one with the man at the welfare office cracks me up! What a pleasant thread you started Chelsey! :o)

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarra__sed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarra__sed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarra__sing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears."Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out." "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog!"

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died." Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Kenny said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey." The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?" Kenny replied, "I'm going to raffle him off." Farmer exclaimed, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Kenny replied, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece and made a profit of $898." Farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain?" Kenny replied, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his money back." Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron Corp. (ENRNQ).

Little jonny see's his daddy's car pa__sing the play ground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and see's daddy and aunt jane kissing. Jonny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND......"Mommy tells him to slow down , but that she wants to hear the story, so Jonny tells her. I was at the playground and i saw daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then aunt Jane helped daddy take his pants off, then aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then daddy..." At this point, mummy cut him off and said, " Jonny, this is such an interesting story, suppose u save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on daddy's face when u tell it tonight." At the dinner table, mommy asks jonny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, " Then daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when daddy in the army." hahahahahaha... oh my

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership,and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said,"What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his a__s up with that blanket before he catches a cold!"