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So January 13th, I want to say about a week and a half after my missed period I finally decided to take a pregnancy test. I was showing signs but because I’ve had signs of pregnancy before and all the test were negative.. Its needles s to say that pregnancy test literally scared the c__p out of me. I hated getting my hopes up and then only seeing that one line appear... It had become one of my biggest fears. But I couldn’t go on just not knowing... So after hanging out with a friend all afternoon I stopped by Walgreens and picked up a test. Came straight home and took it since I had been holding my urine specifically for that reason. It didn’t even take 10 seconds and I had a bright blue positive pregnancy test looking me straight in the eye. I just stood there like an idiot with my mouth open until I gathered enough sense to button my pants and literally ran out the house and jumped in the car (forgetting my shoes at that). I raced to my husband’s place of work with the test in my pocket. Soon as I got there I looked him straight in the eye and told him we needed to talk. He looked confused and concerned until I handed him the test... I swear he looked as speechless as I did when I first saw it. Then there were lots of hugs and kisses... and questions about my shoes. We had decided to keep our good news to ourselves until we could tell the in-laws personally instead of over facebook. We went down Tuesday night (January 24th) and told them Wednesday (January 25th) then immediately after I posted it to Facebook to spread the good news to all of our friends and the rest of our family. And had plans on coming home Thursday night being as we both had to work Friday. Wednesday night I had horrible insomnia... finally ending after a Tylenol & a hot shower at 9am. I slept until around 2pm. Later that night I started feeling sick and figured I just needed to eat so we went into town and grabbed a late night snack...1am burgers from Burger King! Which I ended up not finishing because of feeling sick again... When we got home I went to the bathroom and noticed dark brown spotting, which I told my husband (Nick) about immediately. He told me lots of women spot during pregnancy and because it was dark brown it was probably just old blood which my body was getting rid of as it grew. We thought nothing more of it. By Tuesday (January 31st I had been having a mixture of brown, pink, and bright red spotting... I was finally concerned enough that I wanted to go to the hospital. All of my symptoms of pregnancy had suddenly stopped with the exception of feeling sick. We decided to wait until Wednesday night to go in to the ER because I had Thursday night off and we knew the hospital would take forever. So Wednesday night (February 1st & 2nd) I was admitted into the Labor & Delivery Unit of the hospital. I was asked millions of questions, had blood drawn, had a pap smear, 2 manual cervix checks and finally a transva___al ultrasound performed. The last confirming our fears... although the Doctor didn’t confirm it right away. What appear on the screen literally broke my heart, as it did Nicks, though I couldn’t see his face I knew right away the pain he must have been feeling... Because on the screen, was an empty gestational sac. It was there alright, perfectly formed and pretty large... but nothing inside. The doctor didn’t say much but kept moving in all directions until she could tell that I had had enough and finally stopped and told me I could sit up. She then explained that I could possibly be off in my days and not be as far along as I thought but the gestational sac was measuring correctly... which was supposed to be 8 weeks 6 days. She then said she wanted to do a little more testing and see me back in two days for another blood test for a HCG comparison. Nick and I went home... knowing the truth in our hearts. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much in my life... Possibly, not even when my mom had passed away. I felt like I had failed... I felt like I had somehow been cheated... Just when we had finally conceived, we lost it all. It was like a promise being broken. I was supposed to be a mommy, and I had failed. I know now that none of this was my fault, but at the time... I couldn’t see past the fact that the baby that was inside of me, that I was responsible for taking care of... was not there. If it weren’t for Nick being right there for me through everything I don’t know what I would have done. I’m not sure how we managed to fall asleep that night but somehow we did... I woke up several times and every time I found Nicks hand on my stomach… and no matter how much I moved or rolled... his hand followed.. That really made me cry... because he was so optimistic about the situation, when I knew that it was over. Friday night at work was hard, mostly because no one knew what was going on with us. I didn’t want anyone to know just yet, until we had it confirmed. (Even though I think in our hearts, we both knew). I told Nick that I wanted to go back Friday night instead of Saturday because I didn’t think I could hold off any longer. So I got off at 11pm, got something to eat, and waited for him to get off at around 2am. We came home and changed, and headed to the hospital. More waiting, blood test, and finally another manual cervix check and transvagainal ultrasound… And finally it was confirmed. Miscarriage. Anembryonic gestation or blighted ovum to be exact. Our baby had stopped developing shortly after forming. The Doctor told me that my HCG levels had fallen even lower.. And still nothing seen in the gestational sac. At this point I was supposed to be 9 weeks 1 day. I was given 3 options... but because my body didn’t seem like it wanted to pass everything naturally just yet it was really only 2 options... surgery, or medications to speed up the natural process.. Of course I had done a lot of reading up until this pointed and opted for the medication. They prescribed me Cytotec (Misoprostol) to help start the process, and hydrocodone to help with the pain. We finally got home around 7am Saturday morning (February 4th) We got something to eat and was about to lay down when I realized.. I was going to need pads.. Because I was sure there would be a lot more blood... We headed to CVS and turned in the prescriptions... We had planned on just waiting for them to be filled and just look around and get whatever we needed, I had just finished picking out everything I thought I would need when I stopped suddenly, looked Nick in the eyes and shoved everything I had in my hands into his and ran out of the store. I proceeded to vomit everything I had eaten up right in front of our car... with at least 3 people watching... Yay. Nick came out soon after with a bag full of my feminine items (what a brave and awesome husband!) And got me into the car. After I was sure I wouldn’t vomit in the car we headed home. Literally right after we walked through the door I had a voicemail saying my medicine was ready... This just really wasn’t my day... I got cleaned up, and we headed to CVS for a second time... This time returning with medicine AND these Thermacare warming pad things (Nick’s idea). I was finally able to lie down and that’s when the “contractions” began. The most horrible pain I’ve ever felt... They were so intense it was bringing tears to my eyes... I took another hydrocodone pill and Nick put the Thermacare thing on the inside of my pants so that it was right on my lower abdomen... It helped but not nearly as much as I had hoped... I can’t even describe the pain it was so horrible. The pain had actually subsided after about an hour and a half and I was able to drift off while Nick was holding me tightly, waking up every so often from the pain. Overall I am still emotionally scarred from everything that has happened... I’m going to be depressed for a while I know, but I know I’ll be okay eventually. Having Nick here with me through everything has really made me see how much he loves me. He told me he was scared this was going to change us in some way, and it has, it’s brought us closer together as a couple and has tested our love.. And we made it through, without even the smallest hitch. I’ll always remember the way he looked at me when I was in so much pain and him telling me to grab his hand and squeeze... and when I refused because I didn’t want to hurt him. I believe everything happens for a reason, and that this, though I hate has happened to us, I know has happened for a reason. I know that this is the man I want to father our future children. Never in our Arms, Always in our hearts. Baby S. Due September 9th 2012.