How Do You Deal With Relatives
7 Replies
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Our baby will be here in early November. So far everything is well. My hubby's family is scattered around the country, but his mother has invited herself up to stay with us for a month or more when the baby arrives. She is retired and doesn't have a place of her own so she is free to go where she wants. I am already feeling put upon, and she's not even here! She hasn't spoken to me or emailed me at all. She just contacts hubby, and she's let him know that she intends to be a "big part of this baby's life". He is the last of her children to have one of his own. I just never imagined having constant company around just after having a baby. I mean we will have a lot of our own adjusting to do, and I can't imagine after a c-section that I will feel much like company at all for a couple weeks, much less someone living on my couch. I have nitemares of her trying to boss me around, tell me how to care for our baby, or trying to take over caring for the baby herself! I can't refuse her visit, this is hubby's first child, and really special to both of them, I just would rather have a few weeks of privacy before anyone moved in on us. I'd also like some ground rules clearly understood, such as don't tell us how to raise our baby! I guess it would be a nice relief if she could be here as a support person who helped keep the house running, and saw that the chores were done, but I can't imagine that is the role she would be satisfied with. How do I deal with this up front to keep it smooth and peaceful?
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First of all, EEEK! I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I would strangle somebody if my MIL wanted to do this. I think you need to go with the nice and polite thanks-but-no-thank-you approach. You need to tell her that if you know you're having a c-section, that you need to recouperate and bond with yur baby before you have to worry about entertaining guests. I'm worried that my MIL will want to come to the shower (and stay with us) in November. Though I doubt that would happen either - I have not gotten one phone call or email asking how I'm doing, or how the pregnancy is going. Nothing. Laura, keep us posted on what you decide - hugs and good luck!
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I dont think you have much choice. Best thing you can do is keep an open mind about her visit. When she arrives keep her busy and feeling needed and she will be on your side. Trust me, you will have times when you will be thrilled to have help. You can catch an afternoon nap and ask her to look after baby, etc. She will be there to wash the dishes while you b___stfeed etc. I was fortunate with my first husband cuz MIL only stayed 2 weeks, and while I approached it with dread it was not all that bad. She was actually a help. As for the bossing you around...well, lol, all I can tell you is that she is going to do it and just try to remember that she is doing it with the best of intentions so smile, nod, give in to some of her ideas, stand firm on the ones that matter to you the most and remember that after the month she is gone and you can do as you please.
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 | L - September 27 |
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I know it is hard, but they have a right to see their grandchild too, think of it this way, what if you have a son and then he marries and has kids and then you become the MIL, how would you feel if his wife did not want you around???????
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I never said I didn't want her around. I said I'd like a while to get over a c-section, a while for hubby and I to bond with the baby, a while to get use to the new routine, etc. Before having live-in company for at least a month or who knows how long. I hope more of his family visits after a couple months, just not right when the baby is born as they plan to. My own family lives in town and they won't drop in on us without planning ahead, its just a common curtesy. Also, I do have 2 grown sons, and when they have children, I will pay their wives some respect and visit on her terms, not mine.
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 | L2 - September 27 |
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I feel for you chica. I can't imagine my MIL or any relative staying for an entire month, let alone an entire month after I've just had surgery AND adjusting to a life change. Have you thought of ignorning the point that she is coming to "Help out" (b/c I'm sure that's how she justifies visiting so soon) and telling her that btwn a surgery and a lifestyle change, you'll need a few weeks to recuperate, adjust, and bond with your baby before you will be able to entertain her properly. If that doesn't work, show her where you keep the lawn mower, mops, vacc_m, cleaning products and hide with your baby in your bedroom. ;)
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I am sorry for you! I am quite sure the same will happen with me - my husband is an only child. eeek....I suggest you go for some good advice at motherinlawstories.com. Bottom line is (I believe).....this is your baby and your decision. If she comes it needs to be under your terms (i.e., she can come keep the house running while you care for baby). Also, she needs a time limit and THAT has to come from her dear sonny boy. Time for him to speak up to mommy! Best wishes to you!
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I have a mother-in-law like yours,my husband is her favourite child of five,she was estatic when we were having a baby,she kept coming up,to hold the baby,in the end I told her that I was off to feed the baby,she told me to do it there,I said I'm upstairs and did'nt come down until she went.The 2nd pregnancy I told her st the start that it was our baby,a time for bonding,we went to visit her,and made our excuses otherwise.I don't believe this..."well its part of her life"it was our choice to have a baby,you give an inch they take a mile,next there would have been saying how to do this and that,and me getting annoyed and taking it out on hubby,so its best all round if you are honest.Get him to tell his mother that after the operation you need T.L.C and that you can manage,and also you want to bond with the baby,its a lifechanging event for any family,and you just want closeness all round,say you'll visit,but no way would I have her stay.Be firm,say you'll visit.
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