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I am sorry that you have to experience this. Although, many ladies out there, no matter what the age is, are going through the same thing. I can say, I too, am one. My husband wanted to have a son, and always reminded me of this. Even though we were not on birth control. It happened out of the blue. Now I am 8 wks and he hasnt spoken to me for the last week. We live in the same house. He moved out to the couch. I did nothing wrong except become pregnant. However, at 12 wks. it is really kinda late for the baby to have his/her life ended abruptly. Forget what the other people say. Do what is right. Do what is in your heart. You do not have to live w/those people, but u do have to live w/yourself afterward. Do not allow this man and his evil branches of family dictate your life and the life of your blessing. Please have some faith, hold your head up, and find a support team. Talking here was the first step. But ditch the cigarettes immediately. Like i said, do not allow them evil folks to harm your baby by stressing you and making you smoke. And do not use that as an excuse to smoke. Tell your dr you need help stopping cigarettes if your mind cannot do it on its own. But trust in yourself, believe in your strength, rely upon your logical mind to do whats right, and follow your heart. Good luck and God bless.

wow phoenix. I needed that...Thank you. You are right, we know as women what is right in your heart. I have screwed up with allowing myself to feel defeated and weak and smoke. I have my dr/appt tomorrow and I plan on discussing with him my smoking and I have been somewhat proactive about it. I am seeing a hypnotis with a girlfriend this friday. WIll let all the ladies know if it truely works. You are right, I have to live with myself. My daughter would be nothing but loving and completely supportive of a baby. Thank you for replying. This site has been so helpful to see that I am not the only one out there. Peace and love!! Lonna

The same thing happened to me. He said he wanted kids...yadyadyad... Then I get pregnant. Then he disappears. I don't know what else to say to you because my ex never came back around and I haven't heard from him in months. But I do know that you are not alone. I'm not sure why men claim they want children with you then when it happens they run off. In my mind I can not find any good explanations. I'm just glad that I had my daughter. I smoked during the last two months of my pregnancy. I didn't smoke a pack a day, but perhaps a few cigs a week. It was this or I was about to crack open a beer I was so depressed. It's probably okay to sneak a few cigs a week or even one a day. Now that I'm not pregnant I smoke like a chimney, but it's my only stress reliever. Do what you have to do to release some stress! My ex never loved me that is why he ran off, but it sounds like your ex loved you. Perhaps you should just give it some time. I don't know.

Thanks Sasha for your support. Did your ex come back when the baby was born. Does he want to see the baby? What did you have? How long were you together, and why are you so sure he didn't love you.

I was with him for three years. He never called me after she was born. He stopped calling and coming by two months before she was born. He never called to find out when she was born-nothing. I doubt he wants to see his daughter because he doesn't call to find out anything, not even her name. He changed his phone number, so I can't contact him directly. His family doesn't care either (of course why should they? His mother will stand beside him and not me). He never loved me because he never told me, plus he never showed me that he loved me. I don't even think he is capable of loving anyone. He has another child from a previous relationship that he has a relationship with. I think that it depends on the woman. I apparently wasn't the woman he wanted to have a child with.

Hi Sasha. 3 years is a long time, to not love anyone at all. I have a nine year old that her father did the similiar thing. He was not around when I was prego, but came back around after she was born....but not until she was 2. Now he sees her all the time, every other weekend. Which is nice to get the break. When he came back he begged me to be with him, for a couple to years. But, it was too late the damage was done. I realized I loved my daughter so much and changed so much, that I could never love him again. (he still has not been able to have a relationship with another woman) I do not know if this will help, but if he did come back, you probably would end up not wanting to be with him anyway. Especially after everything he has done. Are you going to pursue child support?

Lonna, I am glad you are going to talk w/your dr. I just wanted to say that I used to be a mildy heavy smoker-1/2 pack a day. I only recently quit and I am not real proud about quitting either. It was just a decision that I made. But, I never could smoke while pregnant, as soon as I was pregnant I was instantly turned into a nonsmoker by nature. My tastebuds couldnt handle it or beer. I tried to smoke and drink while pregnant once, just to see what would happen. well, I regretted it because it made me sick to my stomach i was feeling faint and nauseated. However, like Sasha, I soon picked up the habit once baby was born. Stupid of me to even stop b___stfeeding just to smoke. This time, I didnt have that problem. Maybe it was one of the reasons why I got pregnant. I only stopped in Nov. Anyways., if you do stop, please dont pick it up. Second hand smoke is just as bad for a baby. Havent you ever stopped smoking long enough to smell the cigarette on people who do smoke, and how yukky they smell? Imagine peoples babies smelling like that, their cute little blankets overcome with rotten tar. Ugh! They no longer smell like a baby. They stink like a ashtray. Besides that, it triggers asthma attacks on babies, kids, causes chronic ear infections. Do you know people whose kids have tubes in their ears? Some of those kids come from smoking homes. Isnt it sad that they didnt choose for ear infections to happen to them, but because of their environment they are victims of all that pain? Ear infections are very painful, left untreated can cause deafness. So those are some of the many reasons not to smoke. I can go on forever, since I too used to work in a cancer hospital. And at the end of the day, or my life for that matter. Do I want to be hooked up to a breathing machine with cancerous lungs, saying I was stressed, a man stressed me. Someone who left me and chose not to love me cause me to be stressed, so i smoked the lights out. Nah, we all make choices that we have to live with. Let yours be life in every single way.

Hey pheonix. Glad you are back. I was thinking of you and wondering if you and the hubby are talking again? Is this going to be your first child? How long have you been married? I totally agree with you about the smoking. I feel the same way myself and am so disgusted. I have smoked on and off for at least 13 years, so I know all the smells and negativity around it. I have a dr.s appt today. I am going to make sure everything is ok, before I proceed. But, I have decided that I am going to keep the baby. I have cut back alot since I have first wrote. Everyday I am feeling better and less depressed. (Except when I see prego woman with thier hubbies holding hands....that hurts) Hanging in there. Lonna

Hey Ms. Lonna! I was thinking of you too. Wondering if you would be back, as I noticed you posted around this time before. To answer your question, no, we are not speaking to each other. Recently, I found out my husband is a narcississt. Ive tried to figure him out and finally have. However, the news was bad. Narcississts never change. Not my fault and definitely not my loss. We have a daughter together and I have 2 boys from my childhood sweetheart. I am looking forward to moving out and moving on - single and happy. We both deserve better. BTW, Happy Valentine's Day, sweetie. Give yourself a hug and your baby and your little girl. You deserve it. My daughter is 12, she will be 13 this August. As I sent her off to school, she turned around before gettin in the van w/her dad, "I love you, Mommy!" Motherhood is soooooo worth it!

I'm not pursuing childsupport. Perhaps he loved me in his own way. I agree that 3 years is a long time, but there are always exceptions to the rule. I think he stayed because I was really great in bed and had a hot little body. Plus, I was always there to say "yes". I think the hardest part is not having any kind of closure. I know of other women whose men have nothing to do with their children. Absolutely nothing. I know that it can happen. It just depends on the woman. Perhaps if I had been a better person things would have been different, but I was esentially a really bad girl. Sometimes I think I got what I deserved.

Hey, Sasha. You hit the nail on the head. You needed closure. It helps us understand and get over things, instead of always asking 'what if'. But do not bash yourself, because regardless of what you did, remember it takes two. Whatever went on between you to, and whatever you did to call yourself 'bad', does not excuse his absence from her life whatsoever. He has a moral and financial obligation to her. Now you have to be strong for her, not beat yourself up. I commend you for raising her on your own. Be proud of yourself. You deserve more and with God's blessings, you will have it. Believe that.

You all make me feel so much better to know I'm not alone. I’m 32 and have an 11 year old daughter and I’m 16 weeks pregnant with child #2 by a different father. Lonna I struggled with the thought of having an abortion for a long time and everyone else wanting me to have an abortion as well. My heart just wouldn’t let me do it so I’m keeping my baby. I too feel bad about having two kids by different fathers and still being a single mom, but I think I would have felt even worse if I had went through with an abortion. I just recently told my daughter about the pregnancy and she was a little shocked and concerned that I would no longer love her as much because of the new baby. That really broke my heart and I’ve explained to her how special she is because she’s my first and she’s my little girl and I will never love anyone like I love her. She’s coming around slowly but surly and she’s going to my next ultrasound with me to see if she’ll be having a brother or sister. This is sooooo hard ladies but if we support each other we can make it through. I have my good and bad days and I know I still have a lot of rough times ahead of me but I’m going to do my best. Lonna I’m proud of you for following your heart and keeping your baby. It’s not an easy decision. I haven’t even told my mom yet, she’s going to freak out. She knows how hard it is on me with one kid so she’s really going to come down hard on me for keeping this child and she’ll want to know how in the hell I’m going to support it. I had much less than I do now when I had my first child and I think I’ve done a great job with her so I’ll try and make this work as well. The father of my unborn child is basically a loser that I don’t see changing and at thins point I really don’t know what to do about him but he’s got to be the least of my concerns. Anyway, enough about me. Just wanted to let you all know you are strong beautiful women. Happy Valentines Day!

I know what you mean pheonix. As I was rushing around this morning, making lunch and getting my daughter ready, she turned to me and said Happy Valentines day, I love you Mommy. It is amazing how they fill you up. I know I am making the right decision, I am just scared. But to hear you doing it with 3, gives me hope. Sounds like you have your hands full, with 3 kids and one on the way. I know what you mean about narcissism, my ex is the king. And you are right you can not change someone like this. How is it we missed the red flags to begin with? What are you going to do now? Do you have a support system? Your daughter is 13? Then you have been with your current husband 14 years? That is a long time. Hang in there. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders!!! Lonna

Hey Sasha. You should really consider going for child support. Its only a few papers to file in court. Most states have a system already in place and they do all the work for you. They secure the payment through his employer and they keep track of payments. When he is behind, they get it for you. So, no contact waiting for payment. Think about it...unless you are rollin in the dough. Its is your baby's right. If you need help with this, will gladly point you in the right direction...

and just to add, to LL, your i told my daughter that i wanted to have the baby because i was so happy when she and her brother were born, also told her that babies are not that much fun at times (all that crying and diaper changing)but eventually they grow into beautful children. This seemed to work a charm. And sasha, you said your ex never loved you but if you are like most women if you are sharing your bed with a man over a period of time you a__sume that they love you... and things wouldn't have worked out different if you had been 'nicer'.. these type of men prey on girls that are nice, make love to them pa__sionately because they are in love and tolerate a lot of stuff. I think perhaps if i hadn't been so nice and tried so hard i would have noticed the signs... i dont know if i am going to ask for child support either, dont want to put 'father unknown; on birth certificate but on the other hand he has LOADS of money and no other children to support and really it may teach him a lesson not to live with and have s_x with a woman he doesn't love. He told me he loved me often... but it was only words... cheaper than a prost_tute i guess and home cooking and laundry thrown in. If i sound bitter, well i am and i am not going to pretend otherwise. take care all.

hi phoenix, you have had a very long relationship with your husband, i am amazed that an unborn baby can cause such angst... i have read a bit on narcissitic men, think my ex was more the pa__sive aggressive type, subtle ways of causing friction... there are some good articles on pa men on the net... when they say ok when they really mean no, procrastinate, give vague answers, switch subjects, want a woman in their life but dont like to have to commit... yuk... it will be very hard for you to make a move after such a long time, but on the other hand if you have had to put up with 15 years of c___p you dont have to put up with another 15 years... my girlfriend told me when my ex said his 40 years have been c___ppy to tell him the next 40 dont have to be, but i think he likes being miserable. guess i will be glad i am not with him one day, but it is hard being pregnant, also went from being secure financially one day to nothing, literally an overnight decision on his part, whipped down on a plane from his holiday (with darling mommy) to come and pick up the car he had 'given' me and drive it back interstate... anyway having scan tomorrow so hopefully that will be good and will give me some cheer (12 week scan).