2 Months Left And Depressed
11 Replies
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I am now, 22 years old and I wrote in here in July of 04 because the baby's father wanted me to have an abortion. I did not go through the abortion. By listening to what people told me and my other options and the greatness a child can bring, I decided to take my responsibility. Well the dad kept coming back to me. Since the day I found out I was pregnant it has been non-stop h__l. We didn't get along on certain terms. He is 33 years old and still lives at home with his mother. ( i like his mom she is a wonderful woman) He hasn't worked in who knows how many years , has a history of violence, and he is a mental abuser he will not admit how old he really is (tells people he is in his middle 20's to get girls) and he is a pathological liar, I know from experience. I finally in november asked him to leave, to go back home, because I was sick and tired of the fighting and arguing. I moved back to my mothers home (3 hours away) because he would not be there to support me financially, because he has no job and he doesn't want to work. He refuses to speak to me because I will not turn on the cell phone that I pay for that he refused to give back to me many times. I am requesting assistance for a medical card for my child when he is born and the dad knows that I am going to let the department know who the father is regardless if he signs the birth certificate or not. He has practically begged me to not get one (and I really don't know how the h__l I would be able to pay for the delivery) because he knows he will be served with papers to pay child support, although I do not expect any financial support from this. He knows that he will have to pay or he will be forced into jail, so he will have to get off his behind and get a job. I get so depressed because I still have feelings for him but I don't know what to do. Should I not bother having any contact with him, should I never let him know who his child is and what his name will be? I mean he obviously doesn't want anything to do with a baby otherwise he wouldn't act this way towards me. He wanted me to have an abortion or he was never going to speak to me ever again. The stress is hurting me and I don't want to hurt my baby.
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 | SLP - January 30 |
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This is a very tough situation. It sounds like that, at this point, this man will not be a good role model for your child. You should be very honest with him about why you don't want him around, and maybe you should even consider a restraining order, especially if he is as mentally abusive as you say. You don't want anything bringing you down emotionally when you need to be there for your baby. If you don't need his monetary support, I'd reccommend you sever all ties with him, especially since he doesn't seem to care if he gets to know the baby or not.
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 | g - January 30 |
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I agree with SLP get away from him. The heck with the child support, the safety of your child and you is the most important. I know alot women will disagree with me but especilly once he pays support, he will have full rights to the child. In that situation can you imagine handing your child over to him knowing how he is? I f you can avoid it honey do it! I know the feelings for him make it worse-believe me- i still have feelings for my ex in which so far he's given me an std and today i find out the rest of the results. My ex has NO morals what so ever. But day by day think of how you can make it with out him. It is getting esier without being with my ex. I am still hurt but girl you can do this. Even if you always love him, move on,it will only get worse-trust me! Good luck Tara.
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Re-read your post, "He is 33 years old and still lives at home with his mother. ( i like his mom she is a wonderful woman) He hasn't worked in who knows how many years , has a history of violence, and he is a mental abuser......and he is a pathological liar". Why do you want this? Serve him with papers. He doesn't sound like he's going to go anywhere because it sounds like you were the best thing that happened to him (you PAID for a cell phone for him??)... He sounds like a loser that you were supporting and I doubt that he gets much action anywhere else other than a few one night stands. He'll be back. Perhaps serving him will make him more responsible.
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So what is it that keeps you with this guy? And don't say "because I love him". If you, I will vomit.
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I have thought about getting a restraining order against him, so that he is not allowed any contact at all. I like his family and they support me 100%. They all tell me he is a good-for-nothing jerk. I have had horrible dreams of him dropping my baby when visiting me at the hospital and that he killed my baby and I have woke up with my heart beating horribly. I know I am still young and that this is the most difficult thing in the worl for people in my situation, but I do not want to loose what I have created these past 7 months. I am so happy that his family supports me. My mother supports my decision and I know it is going to be hard. People in my situation think that things will work out, but this "boy" isn't going to work out at all. And it's people like me who would sit there and wait for something to happen. I just wish people would understand it is very hard to just "let go"....
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TARA: I think a restraining order is a good idea. Especially if his own family says he's good for nothing! If his own family thinks that about him, then I don't think there is much hope that he will change. Just keep going, and you'll be fine. You have support of others and that is what counts. Keep your family close.
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A restraining order sounds like an emotional impulse and not a really rational one. Has he hit you? Beat you? A restraining order could just escalate an already bad situation, plus if there isn't really a real reason (he has hurt or threatened you or your child) than later on it may look like you are irrational and vindictive. Just look at all the pros and cons and the consequences. And talk to a lawyer.
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 | kat - February 14 |
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tara, i would be a bit wary of his family being so supportive.... even if he is a loser they are probably partly to blame... his mother who lets him live with her is an 'enabler' and probably likes having her son at home for some freaky reason. I would talk to HIM and leave his mother out of it, really sounds like he has never had a chance to grow up and the whole family sounds weird... grown unemployed men living with their parents... i wonder what his mother is REALLY like.... anyway, i am probably way off i just have had experience with men who have lived with their mothers and it is not good... good luck with your pregnancy and take care, wont be long now and you will be too busy and too happy showing off your baby to have too much time to think about him.
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Well it's been a month, i have been having the braxton hicks contractions. I paid the 150.00 and totally turned off his cell phone for good. I just couldn't deal with it. He lives with his mom still, goes out and gets trashed all the time, and he really doesn't want anything to do with a child. I think everyday I get angrier whenever I think about him or people ast me questions. I really truly believe I hate him with all my heart and that takes a lot. When i went into the hospital 2 weeks ago for my contractions, he told me he didn't care where I was and hung up on me both times I called his mom's house. It really sucks because he goes out and flirts with whoever he wants and thinks he is this hot stuff guy, when no one knows what he is really like. I have no reason to lie about my situation, after all I did leave him and I am the one who asked him to leave. I am just depressed because I always expected to be the decent one in my family who had a family and a marraige and I didn't want to get pregnant without the emotional and financial support. I really am hurt so bad inside and I will cry all the time. I cry at work and at home. I don't even want to eat at times because I feel like I have been ripped to shreds and no one loves me or my unborn child. I doubt taking him to court will help and I doubt the county I live in will drive 3 hours to put his behind in jail. I bet I am non existant to everyone he knows because that is how I feel so far. He does operate a website and he receives donations to keep it running and I am wondering if I should get part of that money since he has no other income?????
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I am 24 and I am also 2 mos pregnant. I actually got out of an abusive relationship with the father and have another child by the same man who is now 2.
I just wanted to say congradulations on your tough decision to not have an abortion. I was seriously considering having an abortion with this one, but I felt it was a boy and wanted to keep it. It just didn't feel right. He tried to force me by threatening to punch me and so I left him. He also had a steady drug problem and I kept believing that he would change, not to mention the many many times I left and went back all because "I loved him." Let me tell you something, that love turned into a form of hatred after 3 years of hell!
Well it sounds like your man has a lot of issues and forcing child-support would be just what the doctor ordered for him. Don't worry about feeling bad about making him do what is expected of him, he should thank you and pay you for what this is doing to you and gonna cost you in life. What about all the sacrafices you're going to have to make? The fact that you have to grow up, and work and support your baby 24 hours a day? But you are feeling bad about him having to work 8 hours a day? That's nothing. You never asked to get pregnant and he helped, but tried to cover it up by having an abortion so he didn't have any obligations(can we say SELFISH!). You may love him now and that love may even grow once the baby comes into the world, but you will not always love him like that, and if you want him to change that is a sure sign that you should not be together, do you want your child to act like that man?
I think that you should deffinately communicate with the father FOR your baby's sake, just make it clear to him that you want to be friends and that you want him involved in the baby's life and not yours. That way, it can never be said that you tore the baby apart from it's father.
On the other hand, girl you get confident. There are plenty of fish in the sea who would love to take care of you.
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Also, I wanted to warn you about PPD. You may or may not get it. But no matter what, look forward to motherhood. You're going to learn what it feels like to love someone so much that it makes you cry, but don't feel bad if you also have feelings that wish you weren't a mom once you have the baby. Seek medical help so that you can take care of yourself and your baby. I had it and the symptom for me was sleeping all of the time and feeling guilty because I had the perfect baby that I loved, I just didn't want to be a mom and that made it worse.
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