Depressed Please Help Me Please
11 Replies
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It will be 4 years this October that my BF and I have been together. About a year and a half ago we tried to have a baby and lost it. We were both devastated. Since then he has taken a job in the USA and i have moved into my mothers place so that we dont have a lease and to save $$$ and once he is settle there I will join him. We planned to be married and try again for another baby. Last month i went down for a visit. I told him i wanted to try again now for a baby he said he preferred that we wait till he gets out of debt but still we tried anyways. ( you see he never c_ms in me ever but after i told him i wanted to try again he did) He even said during the process that he thought he knocked me up .. I didn't think so as i thought we had missed Ovulation. Before i left to go home i asked him if we could try again the next time i came down because i thought we were not successful that time and he agreed. Its now 4 weeks later and i happily told him we were pregnant. He freaked out, in a negative way? I was soo surprised. Its not like he was not a willing participant? I even reminded him of his comment and he said oh i was joking??? So i said to him were you leading me on when you said we could try again. HE said he is too far in debt to have a baby right now. HE said he cant support me and a baby and wants me to get an abortion? I was soo surprised with his reaction to this. He said he wants to get rid of it and when he is done paying off his debt we can try again? Now i have been living at my mother for a year now working and saving my $$ for when i move to join him there. I told him that ill just stay where i am , work till 8 months then have the baby here and move to the USA once he is secure about his job and debt. This is the only option i can do because i am against abortion. He said he does not want this baby and that its a death sentence. He said he might as well be dead and told me that i have to choose between him or the baby. I Keep telling him with some sacrifices we can make this work yet he refused.. Its like he is a totally different person. I can not in good conscience kill an innocent life because he is in debt when i can totally support the baby myself. He has the rest of his life to pay it off and i told him ill stay here work and support the child till he is ready for us to move.. How can i make him see the light. I am soo depressed and surprised with his actions. Please any advice will do please.
I am 32 and have been working and supporting my self since i was 14 and i Believe we can do this.
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Wow, what a creep he is. He knowingly tries to conceive then tells you to abort? I think since he told you to choose between him & the baby, the best choice is the baby. He is being selfish and untruthful to you. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. My dh and I could not afford a baby, but we wanted one so we went for it. To him you will probably never be out of debt enough for a baby. You are not kids either, you're 32! You can do it, you have family and a job. A jerk like that doesn't deserve you or a sweet little baby.
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Thanks for responding. I have never seen this side of him ever. I am soo in shock still and cant stop crying.
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ok. i completely understand where you are coming from. he really has no right to be freaking out the way he is. but he is a man. they don't think like us women. i am in the same boat... the father of the baby wants an abortion which i WILL NOT have! give him sometime. just give him some space. pull back a little bit. he will come around on his own time. it might not be in the timely fashion that you expect or want. but if he feels like you are forcing this on him.. it will only push him away! so let him come to you. if you guys talk... don't even bring it up. maybe ignore a few of his phone calls to let him know you will not be walked all over!
it will be a true test of his character. if he doesn't come around.. then he's not worth your time nor your childs time. but hopefully he does.. and he will be thanking you in the end for not going thru with an abortion!
the best of luck to you!
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I agree w/Kristan, back away. It may be the pressure of more resposibility that is making him this way. I would ignore him so that he knows you don't need him. If he comes back, great, if not, you and the baby are better off without him.
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Thanks so much ladies, i will keep you posted on what happeneds. I really appreciate all the support you dont know how much it means to me.
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oct19bad it sounds like this guy is a total user. he happily went along with it as it meant him getting regular s_x, and then when you tell him the news he freaks out almost like its all your fault. i would say that you should be strong, YOU split up with him (before he does it to you and really hurts you) and tell him you intend to support your baby by yourself. don't tell him you will come running back to him after he sees fit and after he has paid his debt because then it is him who will be calling all the shots. for as long as he knows you will come running back to him/do anything etc etc he will continue to just use you and have you under his total control. he guy sounds horrendous and if i were you i would question just how well i know him and whether he truly loves me or not. i don't personally see love as a guy who wants you to kill your little creation. there is possibly a chance that he is cheating as well by the extreme reaction he has had. the 'debt' is just an appalling excuse to cover up something more sinister. if a couple truly love each other and want a baby then they make it work, they don't come up with excuses. i hope you have the strength to leave this guy (i know 4 years is a long time, ive done it myself to an ex and its not easy to do), but it will either show that (a) he will come running back to you apologising etc etc or (b) he won't hardly bother with contacting you - in which case you know he doesnt deserve you. good luck
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I was thinking the same thing about cheating thing. Sounds like that to me. I don't know where you are but here in usa whatever debt you have comes off in 7 years. So also sounds as though he isn't the most responsible person anyhow. Don't get too upset give him some space and time and no matter what keep your baby!
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please remember you shouldn't be flying during your first trimester. at least that's what i've always been told lol. and sorry he's such a tool. maybe this is how he reacts to stress like that...i dunno. i'm stumped.
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hey oct... im in the same position as you and my ex told me the same thing when he found out.. but now after some time and dr.'s appts and sending him pics of the sono.. he is goin to support and love the baby.. he still does have his temper tantrums at times like a 2 yr old and say he isnt gonna be there (usually when he is mad at the world).. but when i let him know i dont need him and can do it alone.. he realized he wants to be there b/c he is the father... so give him time maybe he will come around and if not you can do it better by yourself... let me know if you want to talk more...
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he is wrong to make you decide like that. I made a decision like that for my husband before we got married, i did it for the wrong reason. soley for him. i regret it everyday. now that I have this beautiful life in me, and he still wanted me to abort again, i just knew I couldnt. he has to live with my decision, whether he wants the baby or not, he created it. he should have to be responsible. Don't make a decision just because you think it is what he wants. That is YOUR child, you can take care of the baby with or without him. I have been where you are trust me, you have to do what is right for you. I dont even have to think about if i made the right decision this time. I KNOW I DID. and I promise you, you will regret choosing him over your child in the long run. Love blinds us sometimes, and that is how I live with what I once did, but the love you have for your baby will be worth it all, just hang in there, and do what is right for you and your baby.
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