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That was cruel of him, but I do think you both should have come to a decision together instead of you deciding alone. It's his child too and you need to consider his point of view as well. Some men want their sons to carry on their name. It's a matter of pride. Plus, it's just as much his child as yours. He probably didn't mean what he said, although he shouldn't have said it. But he also knows he has no power and the only way to pretend he has it and sway your decision is through threats. I don't know that it will be that big of a deal that you and your son don't share a last name. That is the situation with a lot of parents these days and things will be fine. People will still know you're his mother and primary caregiver. As for the full custody thing, I wouldn't even worry about that. I don't understand why he'd want to do that to you if you're working things out. But he has a long way to go to think he can just walk into court and take the baby from you. That will only create a barrier between you. I hope things work out for you.

I agree with Been There ...You need to make that desicion together. He is the father and is in the picture and will help you ..It's a 50/50 thing and the child should have his father's name. Try to dicuss things with your man and come to an agreement. Good Luck

I don't necessarily agree with Emma that the child *should* have the father's name, but I do agree that it is something that you should decide as a couple as long as the father is involved. On the other hand, his behavior, as you have described it, seems a bit immature, selfish, and controlling to me. I would also be wary of giving in to his demand without an adult discussion just to avoid a "court battle." What happens next time he disagrees with you over something concerning the baby, such as parenting tactics? Is he again going to threaten to deny the baby unless you give in? Obviously, you know him MUCH better than I, but it seems like you're just reinforcing his controlling nature by giving in to him.

There's more to this story that I probably should of mentioned. I'm not sure it will change your opinions in any way. He hasn't been the most dependable person in the last year and anytime I have ever tried to make plans for things we need to do to get ready for the baby he "doesn't feel like talking about it" Basically I have done all the getting ready by myself and he hasn't showed much interest. On this name subject there is no discussing it with him, it's his way or he's gone and he said I'll be sorry. He doesn't care to hear my reasons for wanting to give this boy my last name. My family thinks there's no way in hell my son should have his last name because of his att_tude in the past year. They are sure that he won't make any time for his son once he is born and he will be one of those dad's that only see's his child when it's convenient for him, like one day every few weeks when he's not partying with his friends. My family has been very supportive and they even drove here from another province to help me get things ready. It's pretty sad that my sixty six year old dad has done more to help me out than the baby's dad and he lives eight hours away. My dad who runs a business full time and lives somewhere else managed to make time to help me but the baby's dad can't and he lives ten minutes away. My family thinks I'll meet someone else one day and get married and want to change my sons last name to my husbands last name but I won't be able to if he has the dads last name. They don't think he's worthy enough to have the privilage of our son having his last name. My dad referred to him as "just a sperm doner" They are not very judgemental people and they are just looking out for me. They have been right about lots of people I dated so I fear they're right about him too. His own mother even said he's been an idiot this last year but she want's me to stay with him because she thinks having a baby will change him. She has no opinion about the last name issue. He also looks down on me because when I take maternity leave I won't be making enough money to support me and the baby without child support. He just doesn't want to pay because he's turned greedy and he wants the money for his toys and partying. His mother agrees with me. Anyways, we barely see eachother but I've really been trying to make it work so I can bring my baby into a good situation where his parents get along and love eachother but is it just a stupid fantasy? We were getting along great and I really felt we might have a chance but then outbreaks like this from him remind me of what he's capable of. I think he may be bipolar because he can be so nice and one minute later ruthlessly mean. This is so hard.

Then your first decision should be whether you really want to deal with this person or not. He can't decide if he pays child support or not. The court will decide and enforce the matter. So, again, that's just a threat. You will have to figure out what's best for you, baby or no baby. Do you want this man in your life? Once you answer that question and make a stand, you can then start answering other questions for yourself and make decisions accordingly.

I agree with Been There. This is a tough situation, but you need to make decisions that will be in your child's and your best interest. In my opinion, having a child won't change someone unless they want to change. And, having two parents who are together is not always necessarily the best parenting arrangement, if one of those parents is withdrawn and unsupportive. It seems like there are a lot of issues here. Perhaps what would be best is to just take a break from this person and do some serious thinking about what would best make the child and yourself happy. Do you think he'd go to counseling with you to try to work some of these issues out? (Keeping in mind that going to counseling isn't enough...the principles learned have to be subsequently applied). Regardless of whether you two are a couple, you'll need to work together to bring up your child if he plans on being at all involved.

About the last name issue. I just wanted to share my 2-cents :) I still don't think that his "my way or the highway" approach to this issue is appropriate, and again ask the question, how will he respond the next time he disagrees with you concerning the child? Please, please don't set a precedent of giving in out of fear he'll bail! Trust me, it will only reinforce his use of this threat as a bargaining chip. I would still try to get him to have a civil discussion of the matter, probably with a mediator, and probably one in which the pro's and con's are clearly outlined and weighted, in order to reach a more objective agreement. I personally have decided to give our baby my last name, seeing as I will be the primary (or sole?) caretaker, so I sympathize with your decision.

HI NIKOL LISTEN LET HIM ACT LIKE AN ASS HOLE HE CANT GET MAD CAUSE YOU WON'T GIVE YOUR BABY HIS LAST NAME IF HE WANTS A DNA TEST GET ONE SO WHEN THE BABY COMES OUT TO BE HIS PUT HIS ASS ON CHILD SUPPORT AND LEAVE HIM ALONE IF YOU THINK HE WOULD BE A GOOD FATHER LET HIM SEE HIS CHILD CAUSE A CHIL D NEEDS THERE DADDY SOONER OR LATER HE WOULD HAVE FIGURE OUT HE MADE A BIG MISTAKE AND WOULD TRY TO CRAWL RIGHT BACK IN YOUR LIFE AGAIN AND BY THAT TIME YOU WOULD HAVE GOTTEN OVER IT AND ONCE HE SEE THAT YOU DONT CARE ABOUT WHAT HE THINKS HE WILL TRY TO BE A GOOD MAN TRUST ME IT HAPPEN TO ME MY MAN BROKE UP WITH ME WHEN I WAS NINE MONTHS PREGNANT AFTER I HAD THE BABY AND WASNT WORRIED ABOUT HIM DAMN RIGHT HE CAME BACK A NEW MAN I TOOK HIM BACK SEE YOU GOT TO PLAY WITH THEM THE WAY THEY PLAYED WITH YOU WHILE YOU WAS PREGNANT IF YOU LOVE HIM YOU TAKE HIM BACK IF NOT KICK HIS ASS TO THE CURB YOU JUST KNOW U GETTING THAT CHILD SUPPORT SO HE HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO TAKE CARE OF HIS CHILD TRUST ME IT WORKS. LESLIE

Thanks for your advice ladies. Since my last post the bay's dad called me up and apologized about what he did. He said that he had no right to say that and I can give the baby any last name I want. I don't know if I trust him anymore though. The fact that he would say things like that in the first place worries me especially since this isn't the first time he's freaked out on me about the name issue. The last time was the worste. I have a feeling when the baby is born and I reveal that the baby is still getting my last name that he'll freak out again. I've made a decision that if he wants to act like an a__s over it then I will just let him go because I have more important things to worry about. I know that if this happens, one day when he grows up and becomes a real man he will regret the way he acted. It won't be easy but it's the only way. Plus, I'm pretty sure he has this idea that if he refuses to pay child support and I take him to court he won't have to pay as much but I actually checked it out and he'll have to pay more. I really want this to work out with me and him and the baby but lets just say I have a list of a few lawyers just in case. This whole situation sucks. I had dreams of getting married and having a couple kids and now I'm going to end up being a single mother that barely sc___pes by with an a**hole for the baby's dad. I hope I can do this.