 | T - June 30 |
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I have a situation and I don't know what to do about it. I feel like I've tried everything under the sun, but I'm still left tired, stressed, emotionally hurt and exhausted. My boyfriend of 3 years recently cheated on me. I'm 7 months pregnant with our first child. It devistated me to know end when i found out, I felt like my heart shattered into a million and one pieces or like my world came crashing down on top of my heart. It really did hurt me. I cried for days and even though he has apologized and knows what he did was so very wrong, I still feel very suspicious. This all happened about a month ago. I do love him A LOT and he says he loves me a lot too. We've talked about what happened, he gave me his "reason" as to why he did what he did, and even though his reason is stupid, it's still his reason. I tell him all the time not to hurt me, that I can't go through that pain again, it's too much for me, but I'm not sure he's listening. I want to believe he is, but I'm not 100% sure. We don't live together, so it makes it even more difficult to trust that he's not doing me wrong. Everytime he calls and tells me that he's gonig to be busy with work or with so and so...I always question it, in my head. I'm always on edge wondering if he's telling me the truth and when I don't hear back from him for sometime, I get a bit upset and worried, but then he'll call and I'll know that he was doing exactly what he was doing and it'll feel like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder and I take a deep sigh of relief. But then, the cycle happens again, he calls to say he's going to be busy with so-and-so and he won't be home until late. He says that he'll call me once he gets home IF it's not too late, if it is, he'll call me in the morning, but sometimes he doesn't call me at all and I get worried....Is he with that girl?? did he spend the night at her place?? This is REALLY horrible and I hate it sooooooo damn much. I really want to trust him, but I just can't seem to get there. I also can't seem to forget what he had done to me. I do have some details as to what happened between him and this other girl, and it bothers me because sometimes I think about it, especially when I think he might be with her. He tells me that he's not doing anything behind my back, and that he's been innocent since the day I found out, but I don't know. He lied to me so much when he was with her, how can I believe him now?? I know this is not healthy, I know that the stress that comes along with this is not good and I'm soooo tired of not feeling normal. I swear I haven't felt normal in a long time. I just want to feel at peace with everything. My friends keep telling me not to torture myself, but how can I help it without leaving him? My problem is, I don't want to leave him because I want to believe that he isn't or won't hurt me again, but I don't want to feel like this any longer. I'm just so tired and so on and off again with my happiness.
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Everyone deserves a 2nd chance. So put your mind at ease and let the situation be, for now. But if ever this may arise again, your next step should be out the door and away from him.
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| T - June 30 |
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I do believe everyone deserves a second chance and I don't believe the "once a cheater always a cheater" for everyone, because yes, some people do learn from their mistakes. I want to give him a second chance, obviously, that's why I've decided to stay with him..but I guess what bothers me is that he's lied for a looooong time about this, and on a few occasions, I even asked him if he was doing this to me and he said no and on some occasions, he made me feel like I was crazy for thinking that he was cheating on me and kind of made me out to feel like I was being a psycho girlfriend. When in actuality, he was indeed cheating. Anyways...I just need to find it in me to try to give him some trust, little by little..but I do believe that trust is something that is earned, not just recieved. Everytime I feel he is up to something, or I accuse him (in my head of course) of doing something behind my back and then find out that he wasn't, I feel so horribly bad, but at the same time, I think to myself "well goodness! I wouldn't be like this, if he hadn't cheated so badly." I know this for a fact, because I was NEVER like this before, towards him. For now, do I just give him the benefit of the doubt and try to trust what he says he's doing?? And if he messes up again, that's it, I'll just walk out the door saying, I gave you a second chance, but you went and screwed it up. I don't want to continue to accuse him of every step he makes, because even though he's made it difficult for me to trust him, I don't want to push him away if he's not doing anything wrong. He could very well end up getting frustrated and just push me away. This really is a difficult situation and a bit part of me does feel like it's unfair to me.
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The best advice I can give you is to trust your gut. I went through a relationship with a cheater once. We dated off and on for 3 years. It was off and on because he kept cheating and I kept going back thinking he'd changed. Well he never did. It took me catching another girl in his bed to finally open my eyes. Now, I'm not saying that your boyfriend is definitely still cheating, but if you're feeling like he still is, then it's a possiblity. I know you WANT to think he wouldn't do that to you anymore... I felt that way to... but sometimes what we want and what we get are two totally different things (if that makes any sense). As for second chances, they can be good, but just be careful and trust your gut more than your heart. Your heart will lie to you. After the first time I found out my ex had cheated on me, my mom told me to give him a second chance (never a third) so I did, well then it got too hard to get out. I gave him a fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh chance, etc... I no longer believe in second chances. I don't believe "once a cheater always a cheater" but I do believe if they cheat on me once they'll do it to me again, and I am just not going through a situation like that ever again. Just a question.... has your boyfriend ever cheated on anyone else before? If so... take that as a big warning sign.
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| T - June 30 |
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I'm not aware of him cheatng on any of his other girlfriends, I've asked him and he said he hadn't, but then again, I don't know his ex's and they don't live here because he moved here just before we met.
Anyways...the thing is, I've always trusted my gut and that's why I had supicious of him cheating and that's how I found out that he was...but the thing is, because I'm so untrusting towards him, sometimes my gut is wrong. I guess it's because I'm always expecting him to do me wrong, therefore my gut is saying "YES HE IS UP TO SOMETHING!!!" but then it turns out that he wasn't, so therefore my gut was wrong, only because I can't trust him. I don't want to accuse him of doing something he's not. Accusing him of doing something that he is indeed doing, is different than accusing him of something he's not doing. I don't know, this is really frustrating to me and it bothers me that my feelings, thoughts and emotions are always up and down, up and down. I do want to be with him, I do want us to work, i do want to believe that he's not hurting me anymore, I do want to get all those thoughts out of my head. So what is that I have to do to achieve this?? Do I only 2 choices????? One being, If I want to stay with him and hopefully be happy, I need to let go of my worries, wash my hands of this pain I'm feeling, give him the benefit of the doubt and allow him to earn my trust back little by little by not constantly accusing him of things. But if he messes up again, say goodbye because that was his second chance. OR....2. Just leave the relationship??? I think I already know that I don't want to leave the relationship. I do love him and on some crazy level, he does make me happy (when he's good to me) But if I want this, do I have to do what I stated in my first option? And if so, HOW on EARTH do you let go of those thoughts and feelings? I feel cheated, like it's almost saying "okay, waht did you did to me sucked, but it's okay because I love you" I know it's not okay, but that's what it feels like I'm saying. Or I guess it could be looked at like "What you did to me SUCKED and was WRONG, but becuase I love you, I'm going to give you a second chance...mess that up and that's it" I know I can give him a second chance because I already have, but it's the trying to forget and wash my hands clean of this mess that's hard.
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| T - June 30 |
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WOW I'm so mixed up. I'm sorry to sound so frustrating. =o(
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T.. You're right... you pretty much have only two options to be happy right now. 1. forgive and forget (but still be careful) and 2. leave. Now, I know it's not easy to forgive and forget right away, and maybe you should give yourself a while to do so if this is what you really want, but MAKE SURE that if he cheats again.. that you leave... don't fall into the cycle that I fell into. If it's been a while and you still can't get the thoughts and accusations out of your head that he's still betraying you... then you should leave. You will never be truly happy with a man you can't trust.
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