Pregnant And Boyfriend Doesn T Want Children
13 Replies
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First, let me say that I have a wonderful, wonderful boyfriend – devoted, generous and loving. However, I think it was the third date when he told me didn't want any kids. I told him that wasn't a problem for dating purposes, although it could potentially put a damper on any long term plans. I also said that if I got pregnant, I would not be having an abortion.
I’ve been dating him for a year now, and we’re deeply in love, but his position on children is the same - he desperately doesn’t want any. He says he has a horribly stressful job, and needs a quiet and stress free home, that he doesn't want to sacrifice travel and lifestyle, and that there are too many children in the world anyway. After some thought, I’ve decided I don’t want kids enough to leave him (I've never felt any longing to have them anyway), so I’ve planned our life without them. I’ve also consented to him getting a vasectomy, because the contraception is too much of a pain.
Only problem is, I’ve just discovered I’m pregnant.
How, i have no idea. My boyfriend has always worn a condom. Every single time. But that's all we used. When I mentioned to him once that they were only about 98% effective, he begged me to go on the pill. I said I couldn’t, for medical reasons, so we investigated other alternatives but none were suitable. He freaked at that, and wanted to stop have va___al s_x until he had the vasectomy, but I couldn’t bear the thought and assured him that we’d be okay if we were careful. He was still somewhat reluctant, so we settled on condoms & rhythm method. Meanwhile, I said I’d accept full responsibility if I became pregnant and would let him off the hook. After all, I have a wonderful family with some money and liberal att_tudes – I could go home. At first he was shocked at the idea, and said all “I told you I’d accept my responsibilities if you did become pregnant”, but I could tell he was relieved. Later, he brought it up again, said “thank you”, and that I was too good for him, and he thought that me going home would be a good idea, although he'd just have to ensure I didn't get pregnant becasue he didn't want to lose me. He’s not usually the welching type, but I can not emphasise how much this man does not want to be a father. He has never left me in any doubt that a baby would end our relationship.
So, now I’m wondering what to do. I know he doesn’t want to be a dad. If I follow the plan, i should just go home. A large part of me really wants to. However, at the same time I feel guilty walking out on him. I love him deeply, and he relies on me heaps and we have a fabulous relationship - a relationship I will never be able to replace, and really don't want to. Yet, I also know that if I give him an option to change his mind, he’ll think I’m going back on my word, and he’ll all too easily end up feeling guilted into staying. I do not want that. Not only is it not fair, given that he has never been anything but upfront about his total abhorrence of the idea of being a father, but I frankly don’t want someone who doesn’t want the role to be the father of my child.
I just have no idea what the mature and fair thing to do is - offer an change to change his mind, or just proceed with the plan?
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Jane- It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship. If you walk out without saying anything it's likely to cause more harm than good. Talk to him and tell him your situation. If he sincerely doesn't want to be a father, then don't force him into it or allow him to live with any guilt, you owe him that much. Then you should be able to go home without feeling guilty yourself. Best wishes!
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Wow, you sure sound like me awhile ago. my bf did not want kids and when i though I was preg he wanted me to have an abortion, for some reason I didn't even consider that he may think i was choosing the baby over him, because I just couldn't have an abortion, my mind wasn't thinking that, I was just thinking i can't kill something that is part of him, because I love him so much. Well, we didn't talk for a long time and I am going for a us to confirm preg and Im not sure what I will tell him, he did say back then as your bf did, that if I was preg than he would take responsibility too, my advice :), keep the baby, it's easy to say you don't want a baby, but when you finally look into his/her eyes, things change, the emotional side effects of abortions are horrible and last many years, my aunt had one 32 years ago, the same year my mother had me, it's still hard for her when she look at me because I remind her of the daughter she aborted, time really does heal relationships, esp if you have history together, just do what you know is right, sometimes people have to lose someone for a season, to realize how much they really need them!
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If I were you I would proceed as previously planned. Of course, I would let him know why I was leaving. This way he has time to think without pressure. Hopefully he will have a change of heart, but you should prepare yourself in case he does not. It sounds like you already have this planned out, I bet you already know what you are going to do too. I wish you the very best! Good Luck and Congratulations!
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honey i think you should leave him even though you love each other but now you are having a kid by each other and he needs to man up and help you take care of that kid because it is just as much his fault as it is yours. maby as you get further along and if he sees it the first time and hears its cry he might just fall in love with the baby, i think he is just scared of commiting hiself like that because a kid is forever and you will always have to see the other parent even if your not together
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Dear Jane:
Have you considered an open adoption plan for your child so that you are able to stay with your boyfriend, yet you can both keep a growing relationship with the child and the adoptive family without the parental responsibilities? Please email me if you feel this is something you would like to talk about. My husband and I are seeking a private independent adoption. We would welcome open, semi-open or closed based on the desires of the birthparents. We would love to talk with you if you desire. ANNEPAULVT@aol.com
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I BELIEVE THAT YOU HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP, AND IF YOU LEAVE HIM IT WILL HURT YOU. I THINK YOU SHOULD TELL HIM AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS FROM THERE BECAUSE IF A MAN REALLY LOVES A WOMAN HE WOULDN'T LEAVE HER ESP. WITH BABY ON THE WAY BECAUSE ITS HARD TO TAKE CARE OF A CHILD ON YOUR OWN, AND YOU DON'T KNOW IF YOUR FAMILY WILL IN THE FUTURE WILL HAVE FINANCIAL PROBLEMS, IT WOULD BE GOOD GOD WILLING THAT THEY DONT BUT WHAT I'M SAYING IS THAT TAKING CARE OF YOUR BABY IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY: WELL I WISH YOU THE BEST TO YOU & YOUR BABY GOD BLESS YOU BOTH...
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Thats a very good boyfriend but my problem is my boyfriend don't know if he did he would b__w and so would his mom.
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I got three children out of a man who didn't want children. No tricks or anything...once he seen our child born it brought him to tears...i had never seen him cry. he was even worse with the second one. If this is a girl..OMG he'll be a blubbering idiot. My advice is that once he sees his own legacy in his arms his view will change. Getting to that point may be a little stressful because all men think "financially" and how it will cramp their style pushing a carriage but THEY'RE MEN, they jsut don't have that thing that women do...Good luck keep us posted on the reaction
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Adoption is a loving option but you do sound as if you would like to parent your baby :) Follow your heart!
Nicole
Loving Christian couple wishes to openly adopt! We are a secure and stable couple wishing to make our family of three grow by two little feet!
http://www.adoptionprayer.com
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I'm in the same situation that you are except my b/f wants kid "in the future". well too late now because I am pregnant. I look at it this way. My child will always be my child and men may come and go. We have a pretty good relationship as well but if you really want this child, don't let a man stop you from having it. I am pro-life so I believe abortion is out of the question anyway. Have that baby and be the best mother you can be. Don't let him take that away from you if you want it that bad. I think this happened for a reason. Good luck.
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Point blank,he's totally imature and if he could just let you walk away like that then honey, his love was never that srong.
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 | Am - August 14 |
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You may have a great relationship but may also want different things out of life. Don't ever sacrifice what you want for a man. I think that you should tell him that you are pregnant and that you plan to leave. This will give him that opportunity to reevaluate what he really wants also. If he wants you in his life then he will come back..
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have you considered putting the baby up for adoption? i would love to adopt your baby if that is what you decide! e-mail me at astrarain25@yahoo.com
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