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I have been dating this guy for what will be 4 mos on Jan. 22. I just found out I was pregnant last week and I feel so alone. He will be there for me and wants to get married. He talked of getting married before we found out we were pregnant but that would have been a year or two from now. I just don't think I love him, besides that. I adore my space and become irritated when we are together for more than three days straight. He is such a good man and I do believe he loves me so much. He is a perfect boyfriend. I just can't explain why my heart isn't there that way. I wish it was. I for some reason feel so alone. I can't tell all of my family because they will htink I should get married. They love him. I'm just confused. He makes much more money than I do and has great insurance. I am trying to get on medicaid, presently a student, and I don't make much at all. I feel as though I am not ready to be a mom, or really remain connected to him (my boyfriend) for the rest of my life. I feel like he might grow on me that way but I can't help but be stressed in the meantime. I am trying to make it work between us but he is just so far ahead of me as far as his feelings are concerned. I don't want to tell my coworkers b/c again, I am unmarried and they all are. They will of course find out sooner or later though. I just feel confused. I know I can't raise a child on my own with balancing a hectic work schedule (another stressor right now), school, and a child in a cramped one bedroom apartment. I just don't feel like I am ready but I don't feel like adoption or abortion is a direction I can live with. Besides that, he (my boyfriend) has already told his family. I think he is becomming frustrated with me, on the one hand I feel like I don't want to marry him but on the other hand feel like I may regret it if I let it go and he moves on (although I know he will still be there for our child). I just want to disappear from this busy work schedule, school and it's expenses and everything else to allow time to think. I feel like no one can relate. My mom died in 2003 and we were very close. My dad lives in Fla and we just started reconciling our relationship 3 mos ago (he doesn't know). I have'nt seen hims since my mom's funeral. I told my grandmother and she is ignoring the fact that I don't think I am ready to marry him. I have told no one else but the one friend I do have that lives four hours from me. What should I do? Should I try to see if he will grow on me? Or should I just decide to do it on my own. I am so afraid and I feel so cold and alone for some reason.
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 | J - January 22 |
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I feel like i just read something i wrote. I am going through the exact same thing, the only difference being I have been with my boyfriend 3 months. He is from the Bahamas and so sweet to me. He has already proposed and I made it clear I have no intentions marrying or trying to make myself be in love with him just because I am pregnant. If it wasn't for the pregnancy I would be gone so why should I play with his heart and keep him attached to me. He deserves someone who really loves him and wants to marry him. The best thing is to be honest, I have told him all of this and was afraid he'd bail, to my suprise he repects me for my honesty as much as it hurts and will be there for the child unconditionally. Don't be misleading, talk about your fears and trust that this will help you think more clearly. Try reading the Bible even if your not religious now, it the only thing that really helps me. You see, if we had waiting to have s_x and let ourselves get pregnant, until we married someone we loved, we wouldn't be in this sad predicament now. E-mail me for support anytime. Luvmysaki@aol.com
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