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About two months ago, I found out I was pregnant. It wasn’t planned, and the relationship with the father had broken down. When I contacted him, he said that the choice about what to do was mine, and we briefly got back together.
We broke up because I just felt that he wasn’t really interested, that he was doing it because he felt he should. He already has two children, and maintains regular contact with them. He said he cared, and that he wanted us to be together, but everything he did made me feel the opposite. Since then things got progressively worse. There were health complications, but he wasn’t interested. I could understand if he didn’t care about me, but how could he not care about the baby? It reached a stage where I said that although my child needed a father, I did not need him. His presence in my life was negative, mentally and physically, and I was very depressed.
We no longer speak. I am unsure if he will have any contact when the child is born. Yesterday I had my first midwife appointment. We left the husband/partner section blank.
I wanted to write this because although it breaks my heart to think that my child may not have a father, I know that life will go on. My child will be loved and cared for, just as much as if he/she had a father. I never thought I would be in this situation, pregnant and single. But I am. And it isn’t the worst thing that can happen.
Sometimes I would like someone to kiss me, and touch my tummy, someone who can share the amazement of being a parent to the life that is growing inside me. But its not always possible to get what you want (this is also something new iv learnt recently!!). When I get lonely, I tell myself that I am a good person, and I do not deserve this. One day, after my child is born, I will meet someone who will love me and my child, and I can then build a family with them. Until then, I will continue to be strong and positive for myself.
I’m lucky, there are many people around me who love and care for me, and I will be eternally grateful to them. My mum is the strongest person I have ever met, and I only hope I can make her proud. I no longer feel I need contact with the father, and my greatest wish is that my child is healthy and happy. The next few months will not be easy, I am not naïve. But we (my child and I) will be ok.
Ultimately this tiny life is my responsibility, and I am determined to do my utmost for it. I need to be strong, for my baby, and for me. Every day it gets a little easier (I haven’t cried in over a week!!!), and I send my love and best wishes to every person on this site, and hope that one day, you too can look forward to the future, and the birth of your child with joy and happiness.
As my mum constantly reminds me, however this came about, my child (and every other child!) is a miracle.
Keep strong babes and keep thinking positively.
Big hugs to everyone
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