Pregnancy Info HOME

mischelly, I can definitely understand how you are feeling. I am also 14 weeks. When I became pregnant I was staying with my parents for a couple months while I was inbetween leases. I was kicked out and I moved to the town where my boyfriend lives. I haven't seen him since the day I moved in and he didn't even help me move. He still calls every now and then to pick a fight, but I try to just ignore it. I know it gets so lonely sometimes, but just remember that in 6 months you won't be lonely at all. Try to lean on your friends and family for support. Talking about it always makes me feel better. Let me know if I can help you with anything.

I'm not going to lie to you. It will be hard regardless since you spent 2 years of your life with him. Two years is a long time to share with a person, even if that person is abusive and controlling. The reason you left him to begin with though should be the reason and impetus to help you move on. I, myself, was in a controlling relationship on and off for a year. I didn't see how controlling and possibly abusive my partner at the time was. I didn't see it until AFTER I finally left him for good, which was, to be honest, about 2 weeks ago. Though I thought I was pregnant, I turned out not to be, which was for the better. Yet when I thought I was, I thought the same thing you did. Should he or shouldn't he be a part of my child's life? I mean I did care for him on some level and felt it was the respectable and honorable thing to do, inform him of his unborn child. But as a mother, we want the best for our children, on every level...emotionally, mentally, physically, financially. As mothers, we sacrifice ourselves for our children, in their best interest. So ask yourself this: if he treated me like that, there is always the possibility that he can treat my baby like that. People will say "no way." But the truth is if the person is emotionally and mentally unstable, like in the cases of our Xs, they cannot be a good influence on our child, on any level. You said it yourself "I don't trust him with my child without a court order." Since he has a record of abuse and possibly will be incarcerated due to, your request for supervised visitation can be granted. All in all though, remember the moments when he badgered you, hara__sed you, made you cry, made you feel inferior and worthless, damaged you emotionally. Personally, for me, that's what made me leave my X three times over...the third time being the last and final time. Your well being will in turn be the well being of your child. It will be hard once again, especially since MAYBE when you see that child you will remember him. But remember every time you think of your child or when you look into her/his eyes, you'll see your strength, your confidence, your gift...a gift of life...renewed and granted. :-D

I can relate. My ex was just plain inconsiderate and self-absorbed. He also abuses marijuana. What helped me move on was thinking about all of the stuff he did that hurt me. I would NEVER date a guy if I knew he did that to another girl... why would I want a guy who did that to ME? I wouldn't! Also, thinking about my baby helped me a lot. I thought about my ex during my pregnancy, but after my daughter was born, he just started to fade away. She's now 8 months old and he hasn't come around much, but he was at my house on Sunday to visit. I remember counting down the minutes to when he'd leave. Then I remember thinking how just a year ago I wanted to work things out with him. So much has changed. I couldn't care less about him or what he's doing. I'm just totally focused on my baby girl and I love it. Think about your future... and DON'T go back to him whatever you do. In time you will get over him.. just be sure to give yourself that time. Also... I doubt you will spend your whole pregnancy depressed and angry if you allow yourself to work through it and then get over it. Eventually you will accept it and move on. For now, just do things that make you happy. Better days will come... and if you need to talk, we're here for you. Cause we've all been there.

Thank you so much for responding...reading your responses has been really encouraging. I definitely think I am making the right decision, but it is still a hard one to make. I hope that my child won't miss having a "dad" around. His family has also shut me out...they never call...which I worry about as well. I just hope that my child is ok with this decision when he or she gets older.

TO Mischelly30 --- As long as you give your baby all the love, support, a__sistance, encouragement, commitment, etc. that loving, caring mothers do, then you don't have to worry about your child asking "why?" Now whe he/she is an young adult/adult, maybe they'd ask. Maybe they'd won't. If they do, since they're old enough to understand you could explain how you and daddy have different views on life and love, and were 2 very different people. But then again as long as you shower your chld in love as a child, I doubt they bother asking....for they have all they will already ever need. :-)

mischelly30; I feel your pain. I'm still involved with the father of my child but I told him last night that I think we should part ways. He's not emotionally or physically abusive to me but he's just a looser and I don't know why I've hung in as long as I have. He hasn't had a job since January and I'm six months pregnant and he lives with me so I'm supporting him along with my 12 year old daughter. He also abuses marijuana and on occasion, last night for instance, I know he did cocaine. He spends his days hanging out with his boys while I'm at work and that p__ses me off so bad. A lot of times when I come home from work he will have a friend or two hanging out with him at my house, his friends are losers too. I pay all the bills but I do not give him money but I found out this week that he took my ATM card on 2 occasions and withdrew $20 each time. Granted that’s not a lot of money but that’s my money and I didn’t say he could have it so I consider it stealing. He faxes resumes and goes to interviews on occasion but I can tell he's not making a real effort to better himself or find a good job. Heck I don’t even care if he works at McDonald’s as long as he’d work! The problem is that we’ve been through me calling it quits so many times and him promising to change. I’m not very good at being strong enough to follow through and make him leave, which I know I need to do. Especially now being pregnant with his child I don’t want to be alone so I guess I settle for way less that I know I deserve. For the first year or so our relationship was great and he even gave me an engagement ring for Christmas one year so I had been planning a future with this man, I gave the ring back just recently and told him I didn’t want it. He’s excited about the baby and definitely wanted me to keep it but how can a boy raise another boy because he’s definitely not acting like a man. I know I’m going on and on about my problems but I just wanted to let you know we are all going through our own personal struggles and you will make it through this one. I admire you for making the tough decision to call it quits and see that you were in a dead end relationship. Your child will not grown up to resent you for the decision you make. If the father truly wants to be in the child’s life he will try and seek visitation and pay child support. You’re making decisions in the best interest of you and the child and he or she will respect you for that in the long run. I feel like I’ve been alone and depressed my whole pregnancy and I still have the father in my life and my house and I definitely have my good and bad days. Be glad that you got rid of him when you did! I’m sure you’ll have a beautiful boy or girl and your thoughts of the father will eventually fade. Good luck to you!

He called me last night and it was really upsetting. He kept telling me he "cares" about me and the baby, but at the same time he doesn't DO anything--no financial a__sistance, no stuff for the baby, nothing but harra__sing phone calls. My ex- hasn't been employed since September! Then accused me of "kidnapping." How can I kidnap a fetus in my body? Does anyone know whether I can change my phone number, or do I have to provide him with updated contact info?

Well, I know here in NYS when a child is born to unwedded parents, the father has to sign a declaration of paternity, prior to the birth certificate. By signing, he is held responsible legally and financially for the child. If he denies paternitiy, he has to take it to court to do a paternity test. Basically, if he don't sign the BC, he has no rights. If he don't sign, you cannot take him to court for financial a__sistance. Yet if he signs and gives child support, he doens't necessarily have to visit the child and you can take him to court for that since you may feel he is a danger to your child. Yet that all depends on you. If you change your number, but want him to sign a paternity declaration, he can say that you technically abandoned him or something of that sort, so it'll be difficult to get money from him...since in the court's eyes you're wrong for not informing him of your whereabouts. All in all, if you don't want to deal with him and know he won't change and will never, then the only solution is to take care of the baby yourself and end all ties with him. But only you can make the final decision and know what is right for you and the baby.

Michele... you can change your number and not give it to him. He has no rights to the baby right now, so he has no rights to you either. It most likely won't look bad in court if you change your number while you're pregnant. If it happens to come up... tell them the truth... that he was upsetting you and you didn't feel that the stress was good for the baby so you changed your number. Just make sure to let him know the number once the baby's born, also work with him for visitation right from the get-go. The last thing you want to do is not let his see his child.. that WOULD look bad in court.

Also... Ceno's a bit misguided on some of the things she said. If the father doesn't sign the birth certificate you CAN file for child support. Domestic relations will then court-order a paternity test for the father. If the results show that he is the father, then you two will have to get your financial records together and go to a child support conference to determine the amount he will have to pay. If you take him to court for custody, even if you feel he's a danger to your child, he WILL get visitation rights. If you CAN prove he's a danger, he'll get supervised.. but that can sometimes be hard to do. Do you have any proof that he is an alcoholic and abuses marijuana? From what I know, judges won't usually court-order drug tests unless there's some sort of other proof. If you're worried about how he'll be with the child, then I wouldn't let him take the child unsupervised, and if he has a problem with that he'll have to take you to court and then it'll be your job to prove him to be a danger. That will get expensive because you'll need a lawyer. Not informing him of your whereabouts during your pregnancy will have nothing to do with child support. Child support is based on finances... not who did what.. so judges won't take that into consideration. Also... should he want to see his baby... you can't stop him, and you shouldn't. If worse comes to worst, he could have a paternity test ordered himself, prove he's the father, take you to court and get court ordered visitation and then you'd HAVE to let him see the child.

April, thanks for the good advice. I was not planning on persuing child support as I know I wouldn't get much, if anything. I have significantly greater income than him (I am just finishing up my PhD and he has a GED; he has been unemployed for several months), and I know he would do whatever he could to get out of paying. My lawyer here advised me to actually NOT let him see the baby unless he takes me to court and gets a visitation order. In CA, it all comes down to a manner of possession, so without a court order, he could take the baby and decide not to bring him or her back, and there would be nothing I could do. That's a scary thought. I am not sure what type of proof the courts need that there was substance abuse involved, however, he does have two DUIs on his driving record (the latest was received just a couple months ago--he lost his license for two years). He also has a pretty extensive criminal record.

Obviously, he is a loser. I don't know what I ever saw in him.

"Can anyone relate" is an understatment. Im 14 weeks pregnant as well. Although I wasn't with my ex as long as you, we had enough past and background to make everything all the more difficult. My ex left the night he found out I was pregnant, after I refused to get an abortion. A few weeks later, most likely out of guilt, the lazy, manipulative jerk just came strollin' back in to my life like nothing was wrong. He doesnt work, he doesnt have a thing of worth to his name, and the only support he gave me for the first 3 months was hanging over my head and snaping demands as to how this child will be named, raised, birthed, everything. Finally, I got my brains together and realized that he is nothing but bad news for my child, and myself. I know in my heart that it is the best thing that will ever happen to me and this baby, having him anywhere but around us. But that doesnt change the fact that I'm alone. That you're still alone and more lonely than you've ever felt, even if it's without a dirt bag. It's hard when you see expecting couples everywhere, happy and glowing. Or when you research the "best ways to go about raising/ having a child" and every caption includes things for COUPLES to do. Its hard hun, you cant lie to yourself about that. But you have to know that it will be worth it, it will be the right and best thing. Why pregnant women have to be burdened by the raging emotional hormones on top of everything else is beyond me, but after they subside, and after you have this child and realize what you've protected him/ her from, it will all be well worth it. I wish I could email a hug to the stranger with the similar situation. I wish you the best.

Brighteyes, thanks for sharing your story. It is actually comforting to know that I am not the ONLY one who is pregnant and alone. I agree that it is hard when all you seem to see and hear about are expectant COUPLES. In hindsight, I am so glad that my bf left me before finding out I was pregnant, because I know that if he had hung around a few more weeks, I would have never been able to get him to move out of my apt. Funny how life works out sometimes.

You're welcome. I'd definitely do what your lawyer says. If the father wants to see his child, he can come to you. Although, will you have the time and money for a court battle? I'd almost consider trying to go through a mediator first, and setting up a visitation schedule that way. MUCH cheaper and it will be legal. I think it's the same in most states as you said it was in Cali though. If the father takes the child and custody isn't established.. he can keep the child and there's not much you can do. That's exactly why I would ALWAYS advise women to make sure custody is established before the father takes the child anywhere. You sound like you're doing better anyways. Are you feeling better?

Yes, I'm feeling better. I have my good days, and I have my bad. I am just trusting that things will fall into place eventually. I do have $ for a court battle, but I would rather just sit back and let him make the first move, and then proceed from there. If it's anything like I'm thinking, he most likely will not take the time and effort needed to fill out paperwork with the court. I'm sure he'd rather just think I'm a b**** who is "kidnapping" his child than to actually do what it takes to develop a sound parenting plan :(