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hey I'm kinda new at this whole thing, but my situation is a little different but I'm so confused. I'm 24 wks pregnant and the father of the baby won't leave me alone. (i know it sounds weird, but i don't trust him around me or the baby)I'm kinda at a loss of what to do. I know he has rights but how much should i allow him?

Lori, if this guy gives you bad vibes and you want him out of your life and that of the baby, the first thing is surely not to name him as the father on the birth certificate. He may try to make an issue of that, but I doubt he can. If he gets threatening at any time, then you may need proof of that, and a restraining order to keep him at a distance. GL!

Grandpa viv, thanks for the insight. So far he hasn't become threatening, he just doesn't agree with most of the decisions I make. He's never around (working out of town) so I'm on my own. It seems that everyone else's men leave on their own accord, but for me it's like it's easier not to have him here. What's wrong with me? My family and friends keep telling me that I'm lucky to have a guy who actually want's something to do with the baby; so why don't I feel more comfortable giving him his share of the rights?

Lori, you first say you don't trust him around you or the baby, then say he does not agree with your decisions. There's a lot going on here. How old are you both, how close is the relationship, what are your dating histories, have you ever been in love, are you going to be able to survive financially without help? Can you afford to discuss your "what's wrong with me" question with a counselor? I suspect your disagreements are about him being a legal parent with defined custodial rights etc. The way he can get that is through marriage. If he is trying to get it without marriage, then I share your feeling that he is self-centered and controlling, and you would be better of without him.

Oh, I don't trust him at all, he's betrayed me so many times that I just gave up on him. But then I got pregnant so now I have something he really wants. He won't let me just walk away without giving me a guilt trip (which I listen to cuz I know he has a right to this baby). I'm 19 and he's 22. We went out for nearly 2 years before I got pregnant and everything fell apart. No, I don't think I can do it without his financial help; I have my family behind me but this is my mistake, not their's, so I don't want to burden them more than I already have. My job doesn't pay much, and maternity leave even less. His mother is causing huge problems for me as well and that's why I'm wondering how much rights go to her along with her son? Or if I would just not put his name on the birth certificate, would that mean she couldn't touch my baby?

There are opinions on the Internet, and the consensus is that you will avoid ha__sle if you put his name on the birth certificate. If you don't, he can pet_tion to have it put there. In addition you will have a better chance of collecting child support, which it seems you will need. His mother will not get any rights other than those she can exercise through her son as intermediary - seems like a bossy woman and her son will do what she tells him. He will get visitation rights, and can take the baby home to mom. It seems to me that you are reconciling yourself to the idea that the baby is a joint venture, and you will share the responsibilities and pleasures, whatever that may bring. Be happy. You will get some time off to do your own thing without a baby on your hip. My guess is that the fun will go out of it for them pretty quickly - maybe most of the fun is in needling you. Does any of that make sense?

Grandpa Viv, you are very insightful! Wish you could talk some sense into all these men, like my ex bf, who abandoned me and his unborn child!! Haven't heard from him since he disappeared. I find myself crying at the thought of my baby not knowing its father....EVER!! I can't imagine not knowing who my father is. Anyway, Lawyer appointment in a few days to find out my legal options. Lori has a different issue than many of us. Hope it all works out for you Lori. Hang in there.

Well the funny thing is, is that it makes perfect sense. It's just that when she found out I was pregnant, she blamed everything on me ~ the pregnancy, the problems between me and her son, the whole shabang. But then she turns around and expects me to bring the baby to her place every weekend "to see grandma". Go figure. I hope I'm not the only one who sees something is not quite right there. I'm extremely protective of this baby, and she just makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. monchy73, I honestly wouldn't know what to do if the father of my baby had just up and left me (though sometimes I think it would be easier). I just figure if a guy isn't man enough to own up to his mistakes then he's not man enough to be my man. Us women have enough problems without trying to keep the guys from being a jerk.

Well, she thinks her son is perfect, and she is probably determined to make her grandchild perfect too. It's all about controlling the destiny of our genes. For right now, you can give her the old "Sure thing, Grandma," and when the time comes you can segue into "Just as soon as we get the visitation thing worked out." Then there will be the "Well, he was supposed to come pick the baby up, but when he was late I just had to go shopping." She will get to see the baby some, but nowhere near as often as she presently imagines. Relax. Don't let yourself be bullied. You have something she wants. It's your turn to manipulate her!

Just a question, how much experience do you have with all this stuff? The whole single mother thing? I ask that cuz you seem to be so informed with the feelings of both the single mother and the flighty father. Have you helped women for a long time? "Grandma" came into the store today where I work and told me she missed me. Who does she think she is? Don't get me wrong; she sounded quite sincere, but after blaming me for the "destruction" of her son's life, how in the world does she justify such an action? Sorry, I think I'm just running myself in circles trying to figure out the crazy turn my life has taken.

Oh Lori your situation sound the same as what I went through 5 years ago when I was pregnant with my daughter and boy 5 years down the track to be honest with you I'm still having the same problems with him and his mother and it really sux. I even had the mum come into my work also I also recall a time when she asked me to come over to dinner and she was saying that I ruined her sons life and that she wanted me to get a DNA test done and she wanted rights to the baby and my reply was would you like right to my child before or after you find out it's really your grandchild. She was there at the hospital and demanded to see the baby I gave birth to I have continued to have problems for the past 5 years and this has caused me to have 5 long years of postnatal depression I was never able to bond with my child properly with all the c___p going on around me. My advise is if you are going to let him be in your childs life you need to put orders in place now the stress will all be over if you to it later he will become very attatched and will want more from you and you won't have the stress to deal with later. My ex has finally gone to his lawyer now but he has left it until I am at the lowest in my life as I am due to give birth in 3 weeks and I am extremely sick and the father of this baby has left me also he is not having contact of the baby by my choice but I'm still going through the stress again in this pregnancy over my 5 year old so it's better to just deal with it now rip it of like a bandaid trust me it won't hurt so much and you can move on with child the way you should do. If you have any questions don't hesitate to ask them

Scarednlonely, guess what was the first thing he said to me when i finally told him I was pregnant... "lets get married". I wonder how many girls hear that same thing as soon as they get pregnant. I mean, it is admirable that they wanna take responsibility for their actions, but a baby will NOT make all those problems within the relationship just magically disappear. Besides, the baby deserves a more stable life than that. I never wanted this baby, but I made the choice the sleep with someone. And now I can honestly say that this baby has taught me so much about life and what is important. I haven't decided yet if I really wanna let the baby's father be a part of his child's life, (mainly selfish on my part but that man has broken my heart and trust soooo many times...), his mother just scares me. She's controlling one of her other son's life; his wife and especially their one year old daughter. My baby will be her second grandbaby and she just latches herself onto any situation that she believes she can control. She got that one, why not mine? My ex hasn't threatened to do anything rash yet, but he told me that if he could help it, no other man was ever gonna raise his baby. He's fighting like *** just to make sure i'll actually let him know stuff about the baby. I fell down the stairs the other day and the first thing he asked was "Is the baby OK?". No, "are you OK?" No, "could I take you to the doctor?" No nothing. Gee thanks, love you too.

You are definitely not alone. I am 18 weeks pregnant and the father of my baby see's me when he wants to and other than that is not involved. He has not been to any of the appointments with me and keeps telling me he does not want a baby or a relationship. I am hurting and very confused because another ex of mine would love the chance to raise this child with me and I love him but obviously my heart is still with the baby's father. It sucks, but having a child does not mean that we can not find another man who will love us and our child.

hmm well i'm new here and i need some advice. i'm 19 and i'm 9 weeks pregnant and my bf of 4 years is 20. before i found out i was pregnant i asked him if i was to get pregnant what would he do? so he said he'd be there and do what he's supposed to! but about 2 weeks ago i told him i am and he just disappears. i dont see him for two and 3 days at a time and he calls once and wont stay at least 5 mins on the phone with me. he told me to get an abortion,he should have left me before i got pregnant and hmm alot of other hurtful things and i just feel so alone right now! i know i'm not gonna do the abortion but i wanna know if anyone can give advice on how i can deal with this!and btw i told him i was gonna do the abortion on the 11th of this month and he was happy and he broke up with me then and there and he says that no one else is in the pic but i believe that there are other girls cause i've observed some stuff lately. wow i feel i just wrote a book!

Well, for lana18 if you think that you are not ready to have this baby and treat it with love and kindness, please let me know, cause me and my husband are more than willing to adopt your baby. With you being 19 and having a boyfriend that'e telling you to abort the baby and breaking up with you that's not a good way to start a family. One needs to start a family with love and communication. If there's not that then its gonna be a long ride ahead for you. Now, having a baby and being young is hard and some people don't want that so early on, because of school and other things they have going on with their lives at that time. Please let me know if I can be of help to you anymore.

Lori you need to stand your ground with her and tell her it's between you and her son the minute you stand up to her is the minute she will respect you