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Well yes you are being very selfish saying already at 6 weeks you don't want THE FATHER OF YOUR child to be part of his life....Come on, remember those good qualities that attracted you to him in the first place, enough to have a relationship with him--s_xual and emotional--. You are very wrong is saying better 100% father or absolutely nothing! Come on, even very very good fathers are not 100% and who is a perfect 100% mom!?!?! And sorry to point out, but are you a perfect 100% mom for choosing this man to be the father of your child....? No one is perfect and we all make mistakes and hopefully we all learn from them and can forgive just as we ask to be forgiven. Think this one over. I suggest you get some outside help/therapy...an outlet to help you get through the pregnancy, and take it one day at a time. Good luck!!!

Hey Iona. Thanks for your opinion. However sadly, we don't get to pick whether or not we want to be there a 100% or not...we HAVE to be there!!! I think being a mother is already an emotional battle, why do I have to add the stress of someone jerking me around through the process. Yes i'm in, no i'm not, yes i'm here, no i'm not! So did i make a mistake in picking him out? The man i knew before the news and reality of a baby is a COMPLETELY different person to the one I have to deal with now. This man did a 360 on me...that I have no control over. No one can know or predict these things. What i can control however is that he doesn't do it again. Believe me when I say I looked for all the signs of this, but he put on a very good play for me. This is not his first kid either...au contrait he used to tell me that if "we" ever got pregnant by accident, he would be worried about me not being able to accept the pregnancy, how he would love the idea of me giving him a son etc...so PLEASE don't tell me that I didn't pick him correctly! Mistakes are made so you learn your mistake and don't make them again. This man doesn't mind abandoning a kid now...what makes me think that he won't do it again to the child later? I am a product of a single mother that insisted me and my father have a relationship. he didn't want it, and as a kid I knew that and saw that. I used to wish he wasn't even in my life and why is my mom forcing this man to love me? So thanks for your words. I do take them in and I will consider them. That's why I put up this posting! I'm looking for more opinions. So keep em coming please! Thanks :)

If he did a 360 on you then he would be the same great guy you fell in love with at the beginning of your relationship : ) You mean 180...Okay anyway, how long did you know your ex? And most importantly, what kind of relationship does he have with his other child!?! Are you sure this is not just a panic phase...you are only 6 weeks along, so maybe he needs some time to have it sink in. When I got pregnant with my DH it took weeks literally before the reality sunk in and he was happy...I know this is a touchy subject but you asked for opinons so here is mine: You are a child with no relationship with your bio dad and I presume no "father figure", this could be a reason you "didn't see the signs" (your words). Our childhood and lack or influence of our upbringing especially with (and without) parents fundamentally shapes our lives. I think this can be an issue with you now. Even in how you perceive men (or lack to perceive them) and how you are handling this situation now....as an abandonment issue. I agree with iona in that you should seek some therapy to work through these deep, emotional and difficult issues.

Tayeana, time to take your own advice here! Just saw your other post where you told a lady that men have delayed vision and it takes them time to realize what a blessing kids are.....Maybe your ex isn't as bad as you make him out to be....? Maybe your past issues are blurring your vision of him...? Maybe because your father abandoned you, you think now your ex will do the same....? Therapy can be very good.

Hey Skyblue, Thanks again for your opinion and input! Yeah 180, not 360...that would be the wishful thinking lol! In response to you, yes i did have a father figure. I had a Great step-father, uncles, God-father's etc. We are 5 kids and i'm the only one out of my siblings that's not from the same father and you'd never tell! Funny enough, the same thing happening to me is what essentially happened to my mother and my bio father. They were together for a while, got married, had me, then he started to cheat and be a dead beat husband, so she had to leave him. He never changed...and never cared to have me in his life either. He did a 180 on her too! lol. I do know that I am being selfish and impatient in this issue...that's why I am asking for other people's opinions. Everyone around me is telling me i'm doing the right thing...but I know i'm not. However i'm ready to go ahead with it if I have to. He knows i'm impatient, but there are a lot of factors involved and that I have to make decisions for. I am a nomad...don't really live in one place for very long. This has to change so I have to decide where to live for starters and then start making a stable environment for the child...this i have to do before I get heavy and can't move around much or function well. With my medical conditions I suspect this will be very soon! More importantly I am not a citizen of this country which also means I have to decide which country to live in and how I will go about it! Which job offer to accept, and in which state or country! All these things I have to decide and make the necessary moves for. All I want to know from him is "Does he want to do this together or not?", "Do I involve him in my decisions or not?", "Where does he stand in this?". If I'm doing this alone, I'll need a__sistance from my family and I need to tell them soon so they can prepare too. It's not fair for him to just keep quiet and not say anything...while I wait in limbo and lose opportunities! He can't even decide whether he wants to end our romantic relationship or not either! What do i do?? How long do I wait for a response?? Or wait for rejection? Am I being excessively unreasonable??

mmm...seems i must be crazy then...

Okay, you sound very unclear and unsure of yourself as well (like your ex). You don't know where to live (what country!!), what job to take, you are a self proclaimed "nomad" moving from place to place. Sorry dear, but this sounds like a muddled confusing mess at the moment. You want straight answers from your ex when you yourself sound completely up in the air! How do you plan to end this "nomadic" life style? Can you end it? What is the rush to move now?

And yes you are being unreasonable at the moment considering your total instability. Maybe this is what makes your ex uneasy....

Since he cannot decide if he wants to be involved or not, it seems to me that you have to make your decisions (where to live, work etc) with the a__sumption that he will not be around. I would allow him to be a part of the baby's life if- 1. He wants to and 2. he is not a danger to the child. Obviously you will need to settle down soon for the sake of the baby and you need to decide where you want to settle sooner rather than later. If as you say you need help from your family, then the question is answered as well as what job offer since you will be living close to family. I would leave the communication up to him, just provide him your address when you move. You will also need his information if you plan to file for child support. It sounds like a c___ppy situation but we all make mistakes and you just need to move on with your life with your baby's best interests as the priority. Just my opinion.

Hi Clindhom, Thanks for your opinion...and not judgement. I know how I got in this situation, and I didn't come on "Single and Pregnant" to get judged on which man I chose! That comment is for the other righteous ladies on here that felt compelled to send me to the nut house based on a 2 seconds of knowing me. Yes I do have A LOT to decide, I am aware of that. Which is why I need his input. The moving to my family requires his input too because they live in another country. That would mean him not being able to see his child. I don't want to do that to him, but if he's not willing to let me know what he wants...then I feel like I have to do what I have to do and deal with the consequences. Yes it's selfish, as the other ladies have pointed out...but what choice do I have??? Thanks again Clindholm

Personally, I would give him a reasonable time frame in which to make a final decision and stick to it. If he decides not to be involved, move on- don't wait for him. Remember, you will want to have a doctor that you can stick with for the entire pregnancy (or at least most of it) especially if as you stated, you have health concerns. If you plan to move to a different country, you may want to check on paternity laws before you leave if are expecting him to help support your child. Keep in mind that it is not advisable to fly in the last trimester so making a big move soon is best. As long as you make very decision from now on based on what is best for your little one, you will be fine. Good luck.

THANKS!!! I spoke to him yesterday, and I told him I will give him more time to decide, and keep him posted on the progress of the pregnancy if he wants. I don't want any support from him - all he kept on reminding me of was how much i'd get from him if i took him to court! As if that was on my mind..I don't even know how much he makes! Anyway, I would rather not speak to him for reasons i mentioned before...emotions etc...so I told him i'd like for us to communicate in writing. He agreed to that. To be honest though, the major bonus in that is having everything in writing will make his intentions much easier to prove if I he ever takes me to court for custody. Lately he's been "forgetting" our discussions or things that he said...to his convenience. I suspect he'll take me to court when his financial and emotional situation get better....delayed vision. I think I should cover my a__s. I'll look into the paperwork of taking the child out of the country though...he might have to consent?? I don't know. If anyone has info on this please advise. I am in the state of NY. Also how long do i have to wait after the birth of the child before I can travel? The flight back home is 18 hours! Thanks!

Tayeana-I know exactly how you are feeling. I got pregnant unexpectedly and all of a sudden her father wanted nothing to do with me like I was the plague or something. OMG I can't begin to tell you all the things her put me through. I thought the same way that you do. I didn't want my child to have an inconsistent father and if he wasn't gonna be there how I wanted him there (100% fully committed to her) then I didn't want him around at all. It wasn't until my daughter was 6 (she's 8 now) that I allowed the relationship. I had to allow it because she desperately wanted and needed her father. Not a father figure- not a boyfriend not my brother or my father or my step-father she wanted to know who her daddy was. Me keeping them apart was only hurting her. Seriously, very seriously think about your child and what is best for your child. I can tell that you are hurt right now but at the end of the day (as harsh as this may sound) it's not about you and your feelings your child and his or her needs now comes first.

Hi Sabrinasmom! Thanks for your words...i heed your advice. I do think about the child's feelings...when the anger is all gone lol. I guess my question is, is it better for a child to have a disappointing father or none at all?? I know he hasn't been a disappointment to the child yet, so I shouldn't prejudge the situation. But when the time comes, how many chances do i give him to mess him/her up before I pull the plug? I don't know...i'm putting the cart before the horse! lol! It's just our situation is not a normal one...he has issues, and I have issues. I'd like for him to be supportive of me and the child, so that I will have the will and emotional energy to find a way to stay in the country so he can be close to his child. I don't have anyone in this country! No family, no close friends, nothing and no one to talk to apart from him...so when he just doesn't say anything, it makes it hard for me to even like him, let alone think of him and for him. He's older in this...already has 2 kids that he doesn't live with....i just thought he'd want to do his best to get another chance with this one! And he always used to ask me when I'm giving him a son, and how much he'd love the idea of us having a child. Now in the arguing when I asked him about all those words he said...he was speechless... Anyway...it's his bed to lie in...and i'll try to make it as comfortable for him as I can. Yes i do think about the child's future feelings first! First step was me not cutting him out directly. I'm working on the rest :) Your words are encouraging! Thanks

Tayeana-on the surface our situations seem more similar than you can imagine. I knew this man and our families went way back. Because of that and him being a Christian I truly thought that he would do the right thing. I was in my early 20's he was in his late 30's. He had two kids from his first marriage but I had no clue that he wouldn't do the right thing. It's hard and believe me I know. The only thing you can do is go out of your way to be your child's savior in the event that the father plays an inconsistent roll or pulls a disappearing act. Have open and honest communication with your child and love and adore your child starting today and never stop. Keep your head up. And you never know he might come around, my child's father did. Don't write him off just yet. He is probably in shock and just not prepared yet. My child's father said he knew he had to do the right thing eventually because everything in his life started to fall apart when he tried to walk away from his responsibilities. It took some time but he came around. In the meantime stay encouraged. Keep your mind and body healthy.

wow! Yes our situation does seem quite similar indeed! Thanks again for the encouragement. I will work on not cutting him out and HOPEfully one day find the strength to accept his ways, regardless of what they may be...my mother is a very, very forgiving person, I think she will also help me to find the strength to let go of the hurt and put my child first. If you have more advice for me, pls send me an email at unandi at gmail dot com. I would Greatly appreciate it. Thank You