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Hi, I went through this same situation back in June. I have a restraining order on my ex, too. I'm not sure what state you live in, but I'll tell you about what happened here in CA. Sorry if this is so long, but I hope it answers your questions. Most likely, the laws are similar from state to state. First, you can file for sole custody before you have the baby. The first step would be to file a Pet_tion to Establish Paternity (or whatever the equivalent form is in the state that you live in). On the form, you can request sole legal and physical custody (they are two separate things. Physical custody refers to who has the baby and legal custody refers to who can make decisions, such as medical decisions, on the child's behalf). You can also request the court to order him to pay 1/2 of your maternity costs. He'll need to be served with the paperwork through an intermediary (your lawyer, or the sherriff's office usually does it for free for those who are low-income). He can contest paternity, which is when the judge would order a DNA test. That might slow things down. Once paternity is established (either through the DNA test or because he admits the child is his), the judge will make a decision concerning custody and maternity costs. They will also automatically start a child support order. He will need to pay costs of child support and maternity fees (if you request them) even if you have a restraining order on him. But, starting this process also means that the father can file an order for visitation. Once paternity is established, you have a legal right to child support, and he has a legal right to quality time with the child. You can counter-pet_tion for a denial of visitation or request supervised visitation. Visitation is usually supervised anyhow with a newborn. If he is awarded visitation, then since you have a restraining order on him, a third party would need to be the intermediary. They'd need to be the one to bring the child to him (or be there when he goes to see the child) instead of you. This can either be a person that you both mutually agree on, or a court-appointed person. Keep in mind that you'll need to go to court several times to see this to fruition...at least 3 times: once for the pet_tion to establish paternity, once for the child support hearing (a__suming that the judge decides to hear that separately--likely, as financial doc_ments on both you and him will need to be dug up and brought to court), and once for the visitation. If you two disagree on any stage of the process (paternity, child support, visitation arrangements) it would mean more court dates. Also, because you have the restraining order, you should contact the court before you go..they'll split you two apart and use a mediator to communicate between the two of you. I hope that helps. Good luck!

Everything depends on which state ur in.

Yes, in most states the baby must be born before you can file for anything. The restraining order will help you get custody, but the father will have some sort of visitation if he fights for it. Most likely supervised visitation if he's a danger to the child. You will still be able to collect child support if you have sole custody. For better advice on custody/support... I suggest you go to www.childcustody.org and ask the people on those forums. They are very helpful.

mischelly30, thanks soooo much, and to the other ladies too. i'm living in NC. im willing to give up child support just because i am in fear of him having any contact with my daughter. if i give up all support from him, is there a legal way of protecting my daughter from him? does this mean that if i file for physical and legal custody i run the risk of him obtaining visitation rights??

Hey...again, I can only speak for what happens here in CA, but yes, if you file for custody or child support then the father of the child will have the ability to file for visitation. What you might want to do instead is just sit low and do nothing. You won't have official "custody" and you won't have child support, but he won't have visitation, either. If he wants visitation, it would be on him to start the process. The only downfall to not having official custody determined from the court is that if he somehow gained access to the child, he could technically take off with him or her and you wouldn't be able to do much about it, except try to drag him to court and get official custody in your name. If you don't plan on having him involved at all, then this really isn't much of a worry. But, if you are planning on having him involved at all, get the custody and child support orders established.

What about just not putting his name on the birth certificate... Do you think he would pay and want a paternity test?? Does he know for sure he's the babies father? Just was curious lol

hey mischelly30. well, when I got the protection/restraining order it was suggested to me that I file for custody ASAP, since he could just show up and take my daughter with him. he probably wouldn't go through the trouble of obtaining visitation legally, but knowing how disturbed he is there is a possibility that he shows up out of nowhere to take her, even in a couple of years. with him you never know... i feel like im running a risk both ways. this is so frustrating. at this point i really dont want him involved at all.

sunshyne9, he knows the baby is his, we were living together when i became preg. he knows i was faithful and in love. anyway, I'm definitely not giving my baby his name. about the rest, he is really so unpredictable... I cant say what he would or would not do, with him it's just one "surprise" after another. he is beyong being a cheater or a liar... i would say he's a con artist. hes capable of many things.

Hi Lorena, I am a paralegal and I a__sist in family law cases, though I cannot give legal advice. However in the event you and this man are not married, you can both have child support and sole custody. In most states when a mother has a child born out of wedlock, the sole custody automatically goes to the mother, not the father, the father is usually a__signed visitation rights. A court will not keep a man away from his child, unless he has domestic violence or pose an immediate threat to the child, and in the event this occured a court may still find he is ent_tled to monitored visitation, it is very hard to keep a parent away from their child, in most courts minds it is in the best interest of the child to have a relationship with both parents.

Lorena, I would cla__sify my ex- as a con artist as well. I'm not sure if this is a feasible option for you, but after I got the restraining order I changed my phone number and also moved. All I had to do was provide my lawyer with the updated contact info, so that he knows how to get ahold of me in case my ex- contacts him about my pregnancy. It "forced" my ex- to go through the legal system (and my lawyer) rather than abuse and harra__s me. Again, not sure if you're in a situation in which you can move, but you might want to consider changing your phone number at the very least if he is harra__sing you or if you are afraid of him.

I appreciate everyone's help. Well, we are not married, and he definitely has a criminal background of domestic violence and protection orders in two cities of NC. For a while I was very afraid of him, I couldn't even sleep at night thinking he would come and do something to me. I'm doing better now that I know that he's in Florida with another girlfriend he had a baby with in March. Of course, I had no idea she existed during the 5 months we lived together. I have changed my phone number and opened several reports on him because he began to call me in May, breaking the restraining order. I'm thinking probably the best way to go is to do what mischelly did, hire a lawyer and make him go through the legal system, although this means I'll be spending some bucks on that and, as we all know, it's hard being mom and dad financially!

I want as little to do with the father as possible. He has been horrible emotionally, and is too busy with some other girl and her kid than to see if his own is okay. I want to make sure I have custody because the more I see what he is like, the more unstable he seems. I dont mind if he has visitation on my terms, but how can I make sure I have sole custody and not some weird half and half thing which is awful for the baby, I have no family here and have to go back to work...

Hi, Lorena! This is Mari, author of The Single Woman's Guide to a Happy Pregnancy. Up here in Alaska, you can have child support and sole custody and your child's father, especially if he's a losse cannon, will get NOTHING. Supervised visitation at the most. Again, only people in NC really know what's up there, but if your ex does have the brains and the determination to file for visitation, make sure your dad, brother, biggest and scariest friend stays with you for the visitation. And don't worry about any half thing. That could only happen down the road and if you let it happen. HOWEVER, do not worry at all about it right now. In the vast majority of these cases, these men lose interest in harra__sing you or having anything to do with the child when they realize it's a losing game. It becomes a losing game for him when it becomes obvious that he can't push your b___tons. Best advice; go to CSED and do everything you can to establish yourself as sole, leave his name off the birth certificate (this is for your protection-- if you ever need to get your baby's pa__sport amongst other things, you will be able to do so without his permission), enjoy yourself and your baby, and know that things will be fine. I'm almost certain that he'll just drop off when he finds someone else to freak on, someone who will satisfy his addiction to drama by fighting back. Also, remember that most judges would look at this situation and know better than to order you to hand your baby over. Always remain calm. that's for you AND your daughter. Go visit my Do and Don't page at singlepregnancy.com. Good luck-- I KNOW it will all be fine!

mari, thanks so much for your feedback. i'm going back to court tomorrow, i had to open another report on him because he called my office and sent me threatening emails, obviously breaking his restraining order. imagine that... talking about death... just crazy, specially with me being 37 weeks!!! i'm going in the morning... sad part is i will be there alone or with my mother, my brother lives in another state with his family and the rest of my family lives outside the country. i doubt he'll be there, though. all i do is pray that he gets tired of it like you say and that i never have to hear from him again. he's definitely the scary type. wish me luck, and thanks again. also, victoria, good luck with your situation. i agree... if he's anywhere near as psycho as my ex, make sure you use all the tools the law gives you to protect your baby.