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me too.... you're amazing. Too bad I don't have any friends like you. My friends are amazing, don't get me wrong.....they just have never found themselves in my situation. They believe they understand as well as anyone since they know both me and "the guy" so well.....half of my friends think its too soon and are sided on me with termination and the other half are siding with him. Family isn't anyone I can turn to, they all live in germany and do not speak english. My father who moved over here 34 years ago, pa__sed away 5 years ago. I'm the only member of my family to be born a U.S. citizen. So since his pa__sing, my friends have become the only family I have. I know as a single woman, that it doesn't matter who you're dating or in love with, married or not, that nothing is forever. Personally, after getting to know so many married men in my life (platonicly of course, except for this one I'm with now) that I have yet to meet a man that was truly 100% happy in their marriage. I don't ever want to become one of the statistics. So my childhood fantasy of a big beautiful wedding disipitated years ago. Being single is a way of life that I have chosen for myself. And I'm happy with my choice. If things between me and "the guy" don't work out...well he wasn't the first man I was in love with, so he won't be the last. I've broken hearts and had mine broken as well. You just scramble to pick up the pieces and move forward onto bigger and brighter things. I will be seeing him tonight. He should arrive early evening. I am willing to hear his perspective for the first time since the 'news'. Although, in the end it is ultimately my choice, and my choice alone. I went to the dr already, within a week after my missed period. I have been pregnant before, with 2 m/c.(not by this guy) I am considered high risk (altho my threat goes down in about 1 1/2 wks)because from the ultrasound the drs say the baby is low on my placenta as tho it has attatched and reattatched. I guess secretly, I am hoping it just goes away on it's own, so I personally won't have to deal with it. And then there's my friends who have put the thought into my head that.....if a miscarriage doesnt happen, its for a reason, that it's meant for me to have this child...which is exactly how "the guy" feels. I'm just so torn. Torn over the 'right thing' for me, and torn between the 'right thing' for everyone else, and torn between even knowing what the 'right thing' is anymore. For me, having a strong father figure is important. My father was the one who raised me, while my mother decided she wasn't ready and went back home to germany. (she hated the U.S. and my father refused to leave) So I never really knew her. Personally, I turned out just fine with only 1 parent. My dad never remarried. He dove into his career and spent time with me. We were very close. And I wouldn't change it for the world. God I'm confused. I just keep on rambling.

Dearest Nicholle, My pregnancy with my baby was a very difficult one to speak of. Of course emotionally as well as physically, there is not a medical explanation the dr could specify except for the fact that for some reason my body was rejecting the baby. I spent countless days at the hospital, on bed rest, having tests run, etc. Pregnancy for me is never a "joy" but this one in particular was a huge challenge for the entire time. I myself often wondered if I would miscarry and that it would be what was meant to be as I truly felt I was literally fighting with all I had to bring my baby into the world. The father and I had an extremely strained communication during my pregnancy, so my mind often went to the place that perhaps I was going to miscarry so he could be done with me and not have to deal with his actions. But of course as you know I carried my baby and delivered her, she was almost a month early and weighed only 5lbs 9oz which is very small for me...my other children were much bigger. But on the other hand her sister from her father had the same birth weight. See I too ramble...hehe. Anyhow, rambling is okay I believe as it is often through our own thoughts and words that we are able to realize some of our feelings and continue to explore. I too had some really good friends by my side during my pregnancy and once they learned of my decision to not terminate they did the best they could to just be of support. Listening to the father is very important and you should be proud of yourself for ultimately reaching the decision to hear him out entirely tonight as you have struggled and searched the past few days for some clarity in this matter. I will tell you this is not going to be easy for a while to come, as I have told you my own baby is now 10 months and I still am on a rollercoaster ride. One thing I do know for sure though is that I did listen to others, searched deep into my own soul and truly made the choice for my own life that I knew was the right one. You must do this for yourself at this time, I am sure you are aware terminating is not an "easy out" as it will be with you always but this is truly your life and you must consider each and every option and give them all 100% of your thought, and consideration. The father and I have been to court, had the paternity test done (as we are not married it was necessary for legal precedings) , have a mediator, and are even in court ordered therapy. Each and every time I have to let my daughter go and spend her two three hour visits he gets weekly with her it breaks my heart. As I mentioned before he does not have her best interests in mind most of the time as he is still in a very selfish place, but I would not change a thing in my life in regards to the fact that my daughter is here and I love her dearly. I made a choice for my life and my family that I knew was right. I really hope you can work towards reaching that decision for your self and work towards accepting whatever choice you make. I do with you luck tonite as you speak to the father and will be here to listen to your rambling after your days with him are over!! The father and I spent some time away when I learned of my pregnancy and it was very tense I do remember as much, but it gave me an idea of how he was going to be in the future. I wanted to believe his words vs. his actions, but as I suspected his words were just that “words”. In time I know he will learn to love our daughter for who she is and not who her mother is and what her mother represents to him and his life. I cannot be with him nor can I be anything in his life other than the mother of our daughter and hopefully sooner rather than later he accepts this and it will only help his relationship with our daughter. I did not know my father growing up, and was in the middle of my mother’s divorces and break-ups so that is why I have chose to just be a strong loving mother to my daughter, not interfere with her relationship with her father but most definitely continue to look out for her best interests in regards to her father and his selfish demands. Okay my dear, I will close now and again I hope you are able to find some peace in the days ahead as you deal with the father and your pregnancy. I look forward to your next post…….sincerely..me too!! P.s. what state do you live in?

Sorry I haven't had a moment to log on lately. I never had the opportunity to have the 'talk' with him. We got called into work all the way to louisiana and things have been hectic. I live in cincinnati, ohio. So working so far away this time has kept me more than busy. The bright side is, I haven't had much time to contemplate my situation. Altho just yesterday, I began spotting a bit, and he asked me if I was relieved, and I responded with, yes, if it was to happen, I would be. The choice would be out of our hands. And then he turned away from me and clammed up. It was at least an hour before he even looked in my direction. Altho the spotting stopped almost immediately, I didn't tell him. I figure, if he begins to deal with the issues that this pregnancy might not go to term, and he can accept it, then maybe he will see that this just isn't the time for this to happen. I want to thank you so much for time and compa__sion. You've truly been a breath of fresh air and perspective. Just knowing that you have been through what I'm experiencing so so very comforting. Thank you, me too. And I look forward to hearing from you again.

Nicholle, Anytime you want to vent at all, I am here to listen. Spotting can be normal, but it can also be a sign of trouble if it continues. If it does continue be sure to call the dr. as it may end up being bad for you, not just the baby. Keep your head up, try to stay positive and you are right whatever is meant to be will be. I truly believe God only gives us what we can handle, I know it may sound corny but it is true. Keep in touch my dear, Me too.

Ask yourself ?Why you chose to allow this man to use you for s_x.? Why did you allow yourself to be in second place? How can you DATE a married man? You are not responsible for his family's reaction to his cheating behavior...if this man decided to actually be a dad to your child then you will have to deal with his family for the next 18 years. Think long and hard about that reality...18 years not to mention your child will bare the burdern of all the bad decisions. Also, start thinking...really thinking about your child' feeling not this married man you slepy with for 2 years. What type of quality of life do you want for your child?????????

i get what is being said about having to deal with the "married man"/ "father" throughout the child’s life. it is not easy, there is no doubt about that. I just had a court ordered therapy session with the "father" today where we fought for 30 minutes then after the appt. had an hour discussion that went much better. I do not enjoy the bickering and the games, but the fact is choices were made 1)an affair did happen 2)my baby was carried to term and is now in existence and looking back and saying I "should of" done things different has no bearing on her future or us as her parents. My daughter is beautiful, wonderful, and amazing...sure I wish her circ_mstances were different and I struggle daily with having to share her with her father as well as be forced to continue communicating with him for the rest of her life, but again choices were made and the only other choice I can consciously make is to be a good mother to her, never bad mouth her father and allow him to be a father to her and her life will undoubtedly be a good one and she will learn that no matter what the circ_mstances were that brought her to us we love her, adore her, and welcome her into our lives. there is no better gift to give a child that much i am positive of!! coming from a very dysfunctional family myself where there were no affairs, my daughter is already having a better childhood as there is no blame or bitterness displayed in her presence nor will there ever be. my point is simply that should a mother find she is pregnant and is not with the father, yes it will be difficult and trying but it does not have to "ruin" the childs life as so many are quick to a__sume will happen. A child who is loved, wanted, and cherished will thrive in the environment they are in and it is our job as parents and mature grown ups to learn from our mistakes/actions and raise our children in a positive and nurturing environment. So as a mother is struggling with terminating or carrying to term she must understand that no matter her choice there is no easy answer and it is our job to make the best of our situation and decision no matter what we choose

Having an affair with a married man is wrong. I can understand to a point when a women doesn't know he's married, but when you do find out, it's your responsibilty to end it. I realize that you can't help who you fall in love wiht, but you can choose not to be around him enough to fall in love. Yes, the man is responsible too, but how many married men are on here talking about how upset they are that they got their mistress pregnant? Not very many, the woman is the one who has to deal with it. Stop sleeping with men you have no right to sleep with, and alot of these problems would be avoided. It's the same a getting pregnant as a teenager. You are essentially asking for hardship and you are sure as hell gonna get it.

ummm, this post is like almost 2 years old...im sure mamabear doesnt care anymore ...

hey everyone just found out mon that im pregnant.been seeing this guy for the past year.hes told the wife sun that hes leaving,but i dont know what to do.im so afraid to have an abortion

this message is to "me too". Does the wife of your baby's father have involvment in your childs life? I'm in the middle of a battle with the father of my child.. we are going to court at the end of the month.. he refuses to see his daughter b/c his wife wants to be involved in visitation.

dear madison1118, How old is your baby? Are you fighting for the wife to not be involved? If so why? I ask because I went thru a huge ugly drawn out battle regarding the wife and her actions and so forth towards me during visits. I know she has contempt for me and that is understandable, but we did court, mediation, and now court ordered therapy and I continued to insist that she stop the dirty looks, stop trying to push herself into a situation that is not hers to control. The father was trying to shove down my throat that they were going to be co-parenting therefore I had to deal with her. The reality is I do not have to deal with her, I don't have to address her, she is to respect and support the decisions the father and I make and that is the only role she is allowed. Sharing your child with another woman is tough, just as knowing she is going to have a role labeled "step mother" is extrememly difficult but if she is not going to harm your child in any way and does not pose a threat to your child then the courts will allow her to be present as long as the father is. If she displays inappropriate behavior such as disrespecting you, using the visitation to hurt you etc. then there will be limitations of course but you cannot prevent her from being around your child as she is married to the father. I went thru the father using visitation time to make a point to his wife that showed her he was doing what she asked. He was not allowed to speak to me without her around, he was not allowed to be around me without her present etc. What it all comes down to is that whatever is best for the child will prevail. I fought long and hard for this, and it is just a couple weeks short of a year that this has been going on. We actually go back to court next month as well as mediation next week, and the court ordered therapy the week after. So as you can see my battle continues, but at this point it is no longer about the wife and her disregard for what is best for the child, it is the father and I. I can and will share with you anything that can be of help, I was always told it would get easier and more often than not I felt that would never be true. But as time has gone by I have been able to focus on my daughter and continue to fight for her needs, but also accept she has a father who also has rights and I cannot control what he does just as he cannot control what I do. Have you gone to court regarding custody yet? I have physical custody and that is a big deal as that means the child is with me almost all the time and I am the one who knows what is best for her and what her needs are vs. her father who only sees her a few hours at a time and is very selfish regarding his family at home and what he will give to our daughter. I hope this helps, I hope to hear back from you and wish you luck as you struggle through this. It is a very tough time, and even though like I said it has been a year I remember all to well how it all felt and how far I have had to come to ensure my daughter is first and foremost not the issues her father and I have/had.

i'm kind of in the same situation as you apart from the older bloke i'm seeing isn't married but has 3 children and a gf! you was right to go to his parents, you don't deserve to go threw it all alone, just be careful and make the right decision, best wishes sweetie take care xxx remember your baby is the important one now not the married man, it's his choice if he wants to be part of the babies like or what you can't make decisions for him,and thats what im going to do if the babies father wants to be part of their life then great, if not there isnt really anything i can do and your the same, anyways take care xxxx

me too - if you don't mind email me from your personal email address. kristen44992003 at yahoo.com. I have a few detailed questions. thanks!

Ive been seing this guy for over a year. I thought he was my dream man and i guess not apparently!. He left for his home country for a month last year and said it was due to a close relative being ill and called me everyday. Everything was fine when he got back and he told me he loved me and all that ...bs.. My friend was surfing a site and found his wedding pics he married his gf of five years which i had NO idea about. I just found out im pregnant. He cant be around because his wife is moving here and well..hes married. He also lied about his age quite a bit and some other things. I have no family or friends here and live on my own. I feel so alone and lost right now i dont know what to do. I have been very for a long time and am having trouble with everything.I dont want to give this baby up or get rid of it but i dont know how ill get through the nights alone. I am just over the age limit to qualify for youth support...Please help :( I dont want to wreck anything for anyone.

he wants to keep our baby a secret and cant help me out what do i do?

Dear Me Too: i am so glad you have taken the time to write in this forum. Without giving out alot of sordid details, I also am pregnant by a married man. I thought I was the exception....in some ways I still entertain the idea I am. I am in my late30's and this pregnancy was completely unplanned. I have three children, 15, 12, and 7. My baby is due in late July. The bottom line is I love this man. He loves me also. It is like a sad cliche', except his wife is the stepmother of his children and apparantly, they love her deeply. I don't know what to do...for the 4 or so years we have been together I have allowed myself to think we would eventually be married. He has allowed me to live under this a__sumption. I am broken. I want him yet I know that we will not be together. What will change after 4 years? And then there is the baby. I am so sorry that she is going to be born into this situation. If we are no longer together, how do I tell her? He is not planning on divulging this piece of news to his family. Should I just break this off completely and never tell her the circ_mstances? I don't know if he would even hear of it. Speaking of rambling...I have so many questions and no answers. I hurt for myself and my children, born and unborn. Please don't judge me, I am able on my own to perform this.