What Should I Do-pg121721106960
9 Replies
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okay. well im new here so first let me introduce myself.
my name is Kayla and i just turned 19. i am 5 months pregnant with my first child. and im having a baby girl.
but heres my situation.
me and the babys father were together for over a year. We had moved to Kentucky with his family. we were happy and everything was going good until we decided to move back home. he had to go to jail for 3 months on a ovi charge from 6 months ago. that was all fine i waited for him while he was in jail. after he got out everything changed. i had started to realize i wasnt happy. i found out about a month and a half after he got out of jail that i was pregnant. i know the child is his because hes the only one ive had s_x with in a year. well about a week before i found out i was pregnant we were having problems and we were on the verge of breaking up. well obviously i found out i was pregnant and i was going to try and make things work. Well about a weeks after I found out I was pregnant his ex girlfriend called him crying because she found out I was pregnant. Needless to say I wasn’t thrilled. Well long story short he broke up with me for her and I being supid and “in love “ stayed around. he broke up with her and wanted to be with me about a month later. And since I was pregnant I took him back. We moved in together and that worked out.. kinda. We had major issues because he was still talking to his ex and he was drinking heavily. Well one night it got out of control and we ended up in a physical fight ( mind im 3 months pregnant at the time). I didn’t call the cops because I had never been in trouble before and I had put my hands on him also. I was scared. And angry. I moved in with my mom and stayed there for awhile. And then I moved back in with him after he begged me and told me he wasn’t drinking anymore. Well him and his ex girlfriend were still talking which was a problem for me. But I tried it again. I gave up my life, my job everything to move with him again. Well I just couldn’t get over the fact he cheated on me and she kept calling and im not stupid shes not ging to keep calling for 2 months unless hes talking to her. So I eventually after a month of being back and realizing if I stay with him my child is not going to have the stuff she needs I move back with my mom. Now he is still calling and he wants to be apart of the babys life. But im not sure hes ready. I mean I love this boy even after all the shit hes put me through and ive told him that we’ll see. I want to make sure he’s really prepared for this.
but after all that history.. do you think im wrong not to put him on the birth certificate and to give her my last name. I just don’t want to have him take her away from me. I don’t see him doing anything with his life. Hes almost 21 the only reason he has a job is because I made him get a job. He still has no ged or high school diploma. I don’t want him to pay child support I just idk what to do. i plan on moving to texas in a year and hes aware of this and I feel like its all very nice you say your going to be there but I need proof. And personally I would like to keep him off until he proves hes going to be a good father. I mean I can always add him to the birth certificate & change her last name. I mean my mother did the same thing, and my dads been here my whole life and yes he is now on my birth certificate and I have his last name but still my mom was protecting herself ..
so opinions apprecaited
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id say dont put him on it until you feel comfortable. I hope things get better for you soon. How far along are you now?
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Kayla, you’ve got a few issues/questions here that are interrelated but easier to address separately: 1) the birth cert / last name 2) his role as father 3) child support/custody/moving next year and 4) the romantic r/ship w/him.
(1) The easy one: No, you’re not wrong to give the child your last name or to keep his name from the birth certificate, given the circ_mstances. But be clear about your reasons for doing it. If the only reason is to prevent him from taking the child away, I don’t think this will prevent it. Paternity tests will prove his position as biological father. On the other hand, if your reasons involve his being an overall jacka** - my personal opinion is just an opinion. There’s no right/wrong answer. I personally don’t think it’s the father’s right for the child to carry the father’s last name. And yet, I do think it’s a child’s right to have a name on his birth certificate under the heading of ‘father’. It’s just my opinion – do what you think you should, but make sure you know why you’re doing it. Also, if you are truly afraid he will try to take the child away, the best thing you can do is to start doc_menting. Doc_ment every single problem the guy has or has had or has caused, including his drinking, his jail time, his cheating, and his physical fight with you. Every time he raises his voice at you, or forgets to pick up the child at visitation down the line… If you truly want to protect yourself from his taking the child from you, that journal – with dates, descriptions, etc. – will be more valuable to you in court than a blank on a birth certificate.
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(2) Re: his wanting to be involved as a father: Not even talking about his career prospects, I think you are correct in keeping him at arms’ length until he demonstrates that he has gotten his personal problems under control. The alcohol and the physical violence are major red flags. And, because you have had trust problems prior to your most recent breakup, and because you are not together in a relationship and/or living together, you are not able to truly know how much or how little he is drinking. Regardless that you participated in the violence, regardless that he was drunk, he still put his hands on a 3-month pregnant woman. He put his hands on a woman period. (And yes I do think there are times when men should fight back, but that isn’t the scenario you are describing). You are going to have a little girl who will gauge what she should accept or not accept by watching your actions, because you are her mother. You have a duty to stand up and say that this is not acceptable, regardless of the excuses he may make. Further, his drinking and driving may affect your child one day, if he picks her up and drops her off while drunk; it’s called child endangerment. You may be able to prevent that from happening now. If I were you, I would demand that he start an alcoholics-anonymous type program, get some therapy for anger management, and also start working on his ged or career prospects to show that he is thinking about the baby’s future. AFTER he finished those things, I would consider letting him near me and the child, but not before at least dealing with the drinking and the physical violence. Wait to see his actions, not his words.
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(3) He should, as soon as he is able, be paying child support. It is your child’s right to receive monetary support from both parents, and is not your right to waive. Your child deserves not to struggle as much as she probably will if you are the only person supporting her. It does not sound as if you have many financial resources; most 19-year-olds don’t. Also, I would check with legal resources in your state to find out what kind of custody you will have over the child. It varies per state. Depending on the type of custody, he may block you from moving next year to Texas as you plan. Google "custody" and "moving out of state". The forum won't let me add links here. You’d best consult an attorney as soon as you are able.
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(4) Re: the romantic relationship with him, it’s understandable that you love him and are/were in love with him, and that you tried to work it out based on your pregnancy. But being pregnant doesn’t mean you have to settle. In the ideal, we all want to ride off into the sunset with our children’s fathers. But we don’t get there by being a doormat; if that ideal is accessible (and sometimes its not), we get there by being strong women who set the rules and the pace of the game. This isn’t the same as being manipulative. It means deciding what’s acceptable and sticking to it. Beyond the physical fight and drinking, addressed above, this guy cheated on you. Moreover, he made you realize pre-positive pregnancy test that you weren’t happy with him. Whether you decide to stay with him is your personal decision. There is more to every story than we ever have space to post about. But, if you do take him back, make sure it’s on your terms. And don’t be afraid to tell him to boot the other girl permanently, with zero contact. I dated someone who lived downstairs from a cling-on ex who wouldn’t stop calling him to do things for her. As our relationship became more serious, this situation became more unacceptable to me; he told her to stop but she continued to call. I eventually came to realize that, regardless of her dysfunction, he was to blame for not stopping her earlier. Another man pointed out to me that *every* man can be ruthless when it comes to protecting someone or something he truly loves. I decided to walk. I wasn’t bluffing. When I went to break up with him, he immediately changed his phone number, blocked her on his email, and sent her cease & desist hara__sment letters to her and to her family to make her stop contacting him. And he promised to move as soon as he was able, and started talking about getting married. I decided to wait and see. About a week later, I found out I was pregnant. Three months have pa__sed and it’s been quiet. She mysteriously stopped contacting their ‘mutual’ friends/neighbors after the c&d letters were sent, and he moved last week. If he hadn’t done all of those things to get rid of her, I wouldn’t have tried to work it out with him. Would I be scared $hitless about being pregnant without him? Absolutely. But being a parent and being a spouse / s.o. are two different things, and its not like I don’t have family or friends to turn to. All of this is to say, Kayla, don’t put up with that guy’s behavior, or (like a child) he will continue to feed it to you, for the simple fact that he can. Make sure he knows that, while you may want him without her, it’s more important in your romantic life to have a stable 2-person relationship, and that that relationship does not have to be with *him*. Be ruthless in protecting your child; be ruthless in protecting your home life, including those you select as your spouse.
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Last, congrats on having a baby girl! =)
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thank you gummibear for your advice =)
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No problem, glad to help. Let us know how things play out.
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