Pregnancy With A History Of Rape
5 Replies
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Just a warning, this post might be upsetting to other rape survivors.
I wasn't quite sure where else to put this so I'm sorry if this is the wrong section. Also, apologies for my first post being rather intense. I'm 23 and my boyfriend and I are planning to get married and we both really want to have kids. When I was 17, I was raped by a gynecologist during my first pap smear. I was unable to go back for my yearly test until last year when I lived near a wonderful Planned Parenthood that provides tons of support for situations like mine. Now I live near a PP that is much more clinical and not as active in a feminist sense. I had my second test done today and had a meltdown in the exam room. The doctor was nice, but harped on me for not reporting it saying "would you want this to happen to other women?" Of course I don't and it's something I think about every day, but the statute of limitations has passed and I didn't even know his name. Overall just not helpful, I don't tell people about this unless I have to because they always get upset with me that I didn't report it and act like it is now my fault that there might still be this monster out there.
Anyway, my freak out this morning made is making me question my ability to get through a pregnancy. I have looked many times for resources for women who are rape victims and want to have kids, but they are mostly for women who are either pregnant with their rapist's fetus or were victims of childhood abuse. Not that those resources haven't been helpful, I just wonder if anyone knows of anything for women who have been raped as adults, maybe specifically by medical staff? It is so embarrassing to have to explain this to every gyno I see for the rest of my life, all while sobbing uncontrollably. I have been through tons of counseling, it's just something I don't think I will ever get over. I thought I was going to be fine all morning until the nurse left me alone in the exam room to wait for the doctor and I saw the chair.
Oh, and my boyfriend/future husband and I will be moving to Oslo when I am done with school. I know it's a long shot but maybe one of you will have some Norwegian resources :).
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I wish I had Norwegian contacts, unfortunately I dont. One thing I can say, I was a rape victim myself, only it was not once, it was multiple times, by a family member. Rape is rape. It leaves the scar you have to live with for the rest of your life. You say its embarra__sing to have to explain it to every gyn you visit. You shouldnt have to explain your ordeal. The first thing you need to do is accept what happened and realize you did nothing wrong. People who has never been through this magnitude of violation usually wont understand where youre coming from. Once you accept that you are a rape victim, you have to forgive the person that did it. Nit for him, but for you, for your peace of mind. It might be too late to report him, but it's never too late to help another person who is also a victim and maybe too scared to say something. Dont beat yourself up, you did nothing wrong. As far as a baby, well, thats a different story. When you find out God has blessed you with the gift of a child, nothing else will matter. All your fears and concerns will be pacified with a feeling of joy and blessings. Once you overcome your personal obstacles and marry I would say start trying to conceive. Not to deter you from anything or be disrespectful, but its hard to conceive or even raise a child if a person (not implying you) is emotionally unstable. I live in Maryland, USA our police stations usually have information of organizations for rape victims. Try your local law enforcement, someone might know something. I really wish you peace of mind and a healthy life. Dont worry about your troubles, God will show you His plan soon enough, then your past ordeals will all make sense...
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QQ,
I have to explain my ordeal otherwise they won't know why I am crying and upset, and that is not good. I have obviously accepted that I am a rape victim, so I'm not sure what you mean by that. As for the rest of your post, I am not interested in forgiving anyone and I am not a Christian so maybe this point will be lost on you, I'm looking for actual advice.
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Actual advice? On what? How to cope with a pregnancy if you've been raped? Obviously you cant, and the reason why you cant find any info is because your actions are not normal for someone who has accepted their past. And any doctor you go to will tell you, you need help, a therapist a psychologist. The last time I checked, God wasn't only a Christian belief, maybe that was lost on you. Maybe your "boyfriend" should realize you're not ready for a child. Good luck with your "search"....a baby wont make you happy, get some help...or meds
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I have been in therapy for years and multiple therapists/doctors have said there are just some things you can't fully get over (as have practically every other rape victim I've ever known), this will always cause me trouble and there's no getting around it. As for actual advice I mean something beyond "wait for god to figure it out," I don't believe in god so that doesn't help. I did not come here to be armchair psychoa___lyzed and I have no idea why you are projecting all over my post. NOWHERE did I even come close to suggesting that having a baby will make me "happy" (I'm a very happy person already thank you.) Why is "boyfriend" in scare quotes? I a__sure you he really is my boyfriend.
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I feel for you. Seventeen is too young to expect cold logical, legal behavior from a rape victim. The doc has probably been caught in a repeat offense by now, or has come to his senses. I think you are saying you break down every time you come near a doctor, and the whole story spills out once more. Normally one hopes that memories like this fade over time, but as we see with our PTSD veterans, this is not always true.
Are you pregnant now, and in tears at every monthly exam? Can you find a woman doctor to see you through, and tell her you need her to focus on this pregnancy, and not your past history. After the first explanation, I think things will go fine. Best of luck!
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