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Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in. One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "Carry on, ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding Captain Happy in his hand. "Oh, good grief," said Ethel, "not the Breathalyzer test again!"

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a s_xual hara__sment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, " What's s_xually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

OMG!! That was funny! Hilarious, Narcissus!

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? A piece of a__s that brings a tear to your eye!!!!!

chelsey, it was no match for your joke. Pure genious!! momma, LMFAO!!!

A bit political, but just humor, so don't flame me: LOL: The president is having a security briefing with his national security advisor. She says: "Mr. President there was unrest in Afghanistan yesterday and 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed" . President thinks for a moment and asks: How many is a brazillion?

Two brothers were famous in their small town for getting into trouble, breaking windows, smashing mailboxes, lighting firecrackers, you name it. One day the local preist offered the mother his a__sistance thinking maybe a little bit of the big book would set them straight. So the mother agrees to send the boys to the church that night to have a sit down with the preist. The 1st brother went into the preists office and the preist intently looked at the little boy and asked "Do you know where God is?" The little boy burst into tears and ran out of the church. When his brother finally caught up to him to find out what was wrong, the little boy answered "We are in big trouble this time, God is missing and they think we did it!"

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big b___bs."

This is one of my favorites********* The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "Me!"

Patrick, who was vacationing in the Bahamas couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice. "Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!" The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?" "Damn, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!"

OK this is it until tomorrow but these crack me up everytime I read them... An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the most ugly, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when you met her."

A man walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "aww, gimme anythin' but beer." The bartender looks and says, "But you always have beer, why the change?" The man says, "Oh,man, last night I drank 24 beer and blew chunks!" "Well, said the bartender,You drink 24 of anything, and yer gonna b__w chunks!" "NOOO, you don't understand, Chunks is my dog!!"

Every morning when Joe woke up he let out a series of huge farts. After 10 years of marriage his wife, Sally, was getting very sick of it. Over the years they had only got worse.. they got louder, and stinkier, and longer. Sally had tried everything to get Joe to stop insisting it wasn't healthy and even warned him "you'll turn yourself inside out". Joe simply said "it's the best way to start my day". So one Christmas day while Sally is preparing the turkey Joe announces he is going to take a nap and Sally gets an idea. She waited a few minutes then quietly snuck upstairs to place the giblets from the turkey in the bed with her dear husband, then went back down to finish cooking dinner. A few hours later she heard Joe's symphony of farts and knew he was awake... She giggled to herself.. but then she heard a loud thumping and her husband running to the bathroom then back to the bedroom. After 5 minutes of silence Joe finally came downstairs, sat at the table and said "well, you were right honey, I really did it this time." "oh??" Sally asked "Yeah, but don't worry, a little lube and I got it all back in there no problem" Joe relplied.

A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry, do you know me?" She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children!" His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripper on my stag night that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my buddies while your girlfriend whipped me with a wet celery and someone jammed a cuc_mber up my a__s?!" "Um, no", she replied coldly, "I'm your son's English teacher"...........

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

Okay, here come the racist jokes!! (Joke - I'm half Chinese, can I get away with this?! Well, I'll try anyway!.....). Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey boss, I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me s_x. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."