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Hi Girl You are one of the bravest souls I've ever come across. I don't think you're a heartless monster and you deserve/need support as much as anybody else. Don't blame yourself for not loving your child, because at some level you do. Otherwise you wouldn't have been here. Keep in mind that you were pregnant until recently. Pregnancy is a time when women are more emotional than otherwise. The pregnancy hormones still plays a role. There are a couple of things of which you need to get peace with yourself. - While you talk very mature about the fact that you've been raped, shows me that you may have come to accepted that. If not, find ways to accept it. Counselors, support groups, friends, family, helpful strangers even could do good in this matter. - I'm a man and I never lost my own baby (and I pray that I'll never experience it.) But two couple close to me recently lost their babies and I grieved with them for weeks. Losing a baby is always a shock, because you were preparing yourself for a live baby. What I'm try is to give you a perspective on your situation from the outside, that you can look at things from a different angle, maybe to see and realize things you didn't think off before. In the end you have to work it out for yourself, nobody else can. But I want you to come to terms with yourself. Personally I think that the fact that you were raped played the most important role for your feelings about your baby. You are right, she couldn't help it that her father is a monster. But she will also remind you of that monster. There is a possibility that you project your feelings about that guy onto your baby. What I mean is that you didn't feel the way you feel about your baby, but about that guy. Since he is not physically present, you cannot express your feelings towards him. Now subconsciously, you do project your feeling, but onto the closest a__sociate to that guy. She you said that you wanted nothing to do with her, I think that you want nothing to do with that guy, not her. That might be your feelings towards that guy being projected on your baby. What do you feel, could it be something like this? When you said that you didn't want any harm to come to her, that is your feelings towards her and her alone. Do you see that I want to separate your feelings towards your baby for the feelings towards that guy? And I think that if you go and separate your feelings for your baby from the feelings towards that guy, you will see that you do indeed love you baby very much. Attachment to a baby grows with time. Did you ever hear that other mothers talk about 'love at first sight' when they refer to their babies? In some way you can say that they only fell in love with their babies after they were born, but it is not accurate. There is some truth in a statement like that, but it's not everything. I'd rather interpret it that their connection with their babies deepens at birth and in the time following it. When my little girl, Mary-Ann, were born, she was the most lovable little thing there is. Now, 15 months later, my connection with her is much stronger. I realized that the emotional attachment grows. People give the wrong impression that an attachment like that is instantly at its peak. Yes, from word go there is an attachment, but it is normally small. It grows and become stronger over time. I hope it helps. You can know that someone out there listened to you and care enough to make a comment, even if I might miss the point. Here is a small suggestion - get physically active. Go for long walks, go to the gym, find a sport to compete in, or whatever to get your body moving. There is very little things like exercise to sort out emotions. We have a saying in my native language, Afrikaans - I'll translate it directly - "A healthy body hosts a healthy spirit." Best wishes, Francois