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Personally, I would seek advice of friends and family in addition to here, even though you're only 1 month pregnant. I know that a lot of women wait until they are further along to break the news, but in special instances such as this, I see you needing the social support as more pressing than wanting to hold off until the end of your first trimester to announce your pregnancy. Perhaps confide in a close friend who can keep secrets and is aware of your situation. If the boyfriend decides to jump ship, there is not much you can do except thank God that such a loser left your life, and seek child support from him. Regardless of whether he wants to be involved/notify his family, he really doesn't have a choice...he WILL have to pay child support if you seek it in court, and, consequently, his family will most likely find out. He should learn to deal with it...he is an adult, afterall.

I finally spoke to him last night on the phone. He said that he turned in his Peace Corps application so he can leave for 2 years! Huh? He said that he wants to be there for me... wants to be excited about this pregnancy.... but just can't. He needs to focus on his own health and psychological well-being. He still says that he will not tell his parents. He'll give me money, pay me off in a lump sum if I want. WHO SAY'S THAT!? WHAT BOYFRIEND OF THE PAST 15 MONTHS SAYS I AM LEAVING THE COUNTRY, WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU AND OUR BABY AND WILL PAY YOU OFF!? How can this be happening to me? I thought that he would be scared... but would be okay and maybe even want to get engaged. We had talked about an engagement many times before. I feel so naive. How could I have been so blind? What kind of guy would do this? I'm hurt. I want this baby. If I tell my parents... they will be shocked, but they would be okay with it. I am 30 afterall, and I am there only hope for grandchildren. I feel like a loser. My self esteem has been diminished to nothing.

I am truly sorry for your current situation. I know exactly how you feel because I am in the same boat. My boyfriend of the past 7 months and I recently broke up. We had all the same talks about getting married and having a baby~even went looking at houses with a realtor. Now I am pregnant with his child. Children actually. I am having twins. He wants nothing to do with them or me. I am 33 years old and this will be my first. I ask myself the same questions as you. Especially how can he be so selfish and uncaring. I guess there is no answer to that. My family and friends keep telling me that I can do this and that I don't need him. That I am better off without this loser in my life. Maybe you are too. What kind of man abandons his child? I am so undecided about what to do. Abortion just doesn't seem like the answer. I feel too old for that. I know that none of this answers your questions, but maybe at least you will know you are not alone in your situation. Good luck to you and keep in touch.

Hi LillyBell.. so sorry to hear your in a situation like that.. Its not pleasant but keep your head up as it could be worse. Always try and look at the positive things. When I had my daughter I was just getting married, just before the wedding I found out he was cheating on me.. Anywyas to make a long story short I married him but our life was hell. I raised my baby on my own pretty much as he gave no worries at all to her or myself. Youcan do it on your own and dont need him to be there.... He obviously needs to grow up so let him go and take him for everyhting he's worth. Take the pay off.. not something small though.. do it as per month times 18 yrs and tell him thats what you want then if he's gonna be like that. Can I ask where yo ulive?? Im in Toronto, Ontario. Just sad you don't have alot of suppport or family around you... But hey ill be there to support you :) take care

I agree, I'd take the lump sum of money up front, but don't let him try to screw you (no pun intended) on the amount. If he is in the peace corps, he probably doesn't have much of an income, even if he has a trust fund, which is how child support is calculated. You can probably estimate what monthly support would be or at least the minimum for your state and calculate over 18 years but I would also try to factor in inflation. I thought I saw an article recently stating that the cost to raise a child these days to 18 was round $250k. I don't remember if that even included college or not. I would be thrilled if the fob would offer me a lump sum at this point! Good luck.

LilyFaith, Sunshyne9, New Here.... thank you for the support. By the way, I am in St.Petersburg, Florida. I feel like I'm in a dream right now. Everything seems so surreal. I haven't told anyone yet... I'm working up my courage. I'll first try it on a girlfriend, then if I 100% decide to keep the baby, I'll tell my mother (I'll let her tell my father, hahaa). I am in shock. How could he do this. I keep asking myself over and over.... How could he be so selfish? How could I be so stupid? He throws around the "pay you off" phrase, like I'm some cheap whore who will shame his family's name. WTF! I was his girlfriend for over a year... I went to New England to meet his family. Just a few weeks ago he was sending me pictures of engagement rings that he liked! Does he think I'm not good enough to have his child? What has changed? What is going on? I'm stunned and starting to feel a little heartbroken.

Lilly Bell, I live in New England. So does my ex bf. He also picked out rings for me to look at, introduced me to his family, the whole deal. His behavior just keeps getting worse. Yesterday I had lunch with his mom, who very much wants to be involved with her grandchildren, and left her an ultrasound picture. My ex bf told her that I had made the ultrasound picture online!!! Are these guys for real? Then he said if I am truly pregnant that it is not his, that I have been sleeping around. I have not so much as kissed another man since I met him. How can men be so cruel?? Those words are hurtful. The best we can do is ignore them. I know it is hard, but try. I can't give you reasons for why he is acting lthis way. I never thought my ex bf would say the things that he is saying. Some men really just aren't men at all. Not the kind of man that you would want in your life or your childs. Find a good example of a man (maybe your dad or a brother) and hold him up to that. That is what you need in your life~not this guy. You and your child are better than that! good luck

The boyfriend send me text messages in the middle of the night last night saying "thanks for ruining my life" and calling me a "selfish loser". The sound of the text msg coming through woke me up, so of course I called him. He's freaking out...says he can't sleep. He'd rather die than have people find out about this... what will his friends think... how can I be so selfish.... I'm ruining his life! He is in a round about way threatening suicide. He's probably bluffing... but my God, what am I to do? Tell his parents? I asked him "Am I supposed to not keep this baby because of what your mother and your father and your friends will think?" and "does it occur to you that some of these people might just think it's a good thing?". This made him so angry. Now I'm freaking out... how can I have a baby with this lunatic. Do I want to eternally link myself to this jacka__s? Plus, I am now freaking out about what I would tell people at work. I work at a liberal television network.... but still, the boyfriend knows some of the people I work with. This is just getting more complicated....

Lilly Bell, I'm so sorry you are going through. It is almost like it is the same man. Mine keep sending me texts telling me to stop lying and to leave him alone that he is moving on with his life. Mind you, I haven't contacted him at all. He has also threatened suicide. Said he will get drunk and stick a gun in his mouth. These men are selfish! Only thinking of themselves and incapable of anything else. Please know that you are not in this alone. Your friends and family will support you. People you don't even know will support you. Things happen for a reason. I firmly believe that. I would never have intended to have a baby with this kind of man, or in an unhealthy relationship, but this is what has happened. I'm not a religious person but I believe that God does not give you more than you can handle. Don't take his calls, don't call him, delete his texts and voice mails. Get yourself healthy for you and your baby. He is now at the bottom of your list of priorities. I know it's hard, but remember that is where you are on his list. Don't worry who finds out either. He is the one trying to cover up and live a lie, not you. In the end he is going to be found out for who he is~a selfish jerk. He has to live with his choices. Keep smiling, you'll be fine.

Lily Faith, how far along are you? How old is your ex-boyfriend? Are you positive about your decision to keep the twins?

He is 32~will be 33 in August. I am 8 weeks along. I have no idea what to do and wrestle with my situation every day. Everyone offers me advice, but ultimately I have to make the decision for myself. I can't seem to decide. Like you, I don't want to be tied to this man for the rest of my life. I also, because we just broke up, still have very strong feelings of sadness for what our relationship used to be. I feel stuck. How are you feeling?

Lily Faith, OMG, I was just reading questions in the labor portion of the forum... can I just say EWWWW. I seriously feel like I am going to vomit. I had to stop reading. I'm almost in tears... how can I go through that alone (it still feels like "alone" even if friends or family are there). I still haven't told anyone. I'm starting to panic. I was so calm for the first few days of this week, right after I found out. I think that I secretly believed that the boyfriend would *come around* and be excited and we could go through this together. WRONG. His reaction has gone from calm and supportive (when he though I would have an abortion) to anxious and uneasy to insane, desperate and volatile. The things he has said & text messaged to me in the past 24 hours are unbelievable. I am slightly scared for my safety.. do you feel the same? I live alone, but fortuantely have dogs and a security system. I can't make a decision. I'm not anti-abortion, I actually had one (RU486 pill) in the past. But like you, I just feel that I am too old for that. I know that I want children... I was actually looking at adoption. But giving birth is another story. You know, I think the next 8 months is what I am most frightened of.... the pregnancy, the changing of my body, the labor & birth. I am so scared. Plus the boyfriend... I could see him emailing my coworkers something crazy or spraypainting whore on the side of my house. That sounds weird, and I've never seen him like act like that, but desperate people do desperate things. He's from a wealthy New England family and is friends with many people on the socialite scene. That is not me at all, and not what our relationship has been about. He looks up to these people and is scared what they will think of him.... and I think that could drive him to desperate measures. So like you, I am back and forth every 10 minutes. I can make strong arguments for either way... talk myself into either decision. I am so on the fence. I'm trying to imagine how I am going to feel 8 months from now... big as a house and ALONE. I just picture myself being extremly depressed (I'm prone to this). Then there is the whole issue of "no one will want to date me... I'll never get married". Sounds stupid, I agree, but I still think about it. What in the world are we going to do? How do we make this life altering decision?

Here's a good website: http://www.goingitalone.com.au/otherwomen.html

I am so sorry that you are going through this, but I am so gald that I am not the only one. I hope that doesn't sound horrible. I feel exactly the same way. Who wants to decorate a nursery alone? or go into labor alone? or go to birthing cla__s alone? not me. this is not how i ever saw myself having a baby. people are well meaning when they say you are not alone, and we are not. we just don't have the one person you always envisioned with you at this time~the father of the baby! i am very sad about it. my ex has gone so far as to tell me that no one will want me pregnant or single with babies. nice huh? i just keep telling myself that no one will want him either. who wants a man who abandons his child? i am also prone to depression. and that worries me. i have also heard that women get depressed after an abortion. i am definately pro-choice. i just can't seem to make one. i think because i am still hurting from the relationship i feel like how am i going to get over him when i am pregnant with his child. i actually hate him right now for wrecking this pregnancy for me. he has turned what should be a happy occa__sion into a nightmare. it is amazing that anyone could be that selfish. but i know that these two men are not the only ones. there are plenty of other jerks out there who have done the exact same thing. we just have to decide if we are stong enough to do this on our own. my counselor at the women's center told me yesterday to try and focus on the babies and not on him. to make my decision on how i feel about the babies and not how i feel about him. i am trying to do that, but i think it will take some time. you should see if you have a women's center in your area. mine is called a women's concern. they are pro choice and it is free.

That is another factor I didn't thouroughly consider.... breakups are hard enough as is, no pregnancy involved. I'm feeling okay about it now, but I still have contact with him everyday (even if it is negative, it is still something). When there is no more contact, then the grieving process will begin. Just last weekend we drove down to Anna Maria Island for lunch and then to the movies (to see the Break Up, how ironic), and then looking at neighborhoods that we like. Everything was so simple and I was incredibly happy. Oh the difference a day can make! I can't handle this! Thanks god it's Friday... I can have the weekend to relax and reflect. I told him, actually screemed at him through tears at 3am on the phone "I'll have the god d__ned abortion, are you happy!!!" and hung up. Wow. I haven't heard from him since. That shut him up for a while. Oh LillyBell... we have to make our decisions soon. I have to before my 7 weeks (I think that is the deadline for the RU486 pill). But through our conversation, you sound like you have it together (for the most part). You sound more like 75/25 (not 50/50) for keeping the babies. We'll get through this... .one way or another.

Please check out the procedure for taking that pill. It takes several days for the abortion to actually happen. I know it is less invasive, but they give you the pill and then you are sent home to basically wait it out. I don't think I could handle that. There are a few other options, though also not pleasant, they are over that day, and you have until about 14 weeks to make a decision. Do not let him make the decision for you. You do not need him. If you want this baby, then it is yours to have. Please, please, don't let him determine what YOU should do. That is exactly what he wants. He wants to make you miserable so you give in. Don't give HIM that power. He is playing on your emotions. That is cruel, and he is much less of a man for doing it. Even if you don't have this baby, your relationship with him is permanently damaged. How could you ever go back to him after how he has treated you and your child? As for me, I am more like 60/40 in my decision.. Sometimes I feel stronger than others. What a difference a day makes is right. My ex and I lived together, were looking at houses with a realtor, looking at rings, the whole thing. and now to end up here. It is really hard. but please remember, you are better than how he is treating you. You would never treat him this way. Don't accept it. I put up with it for too long. This morning I have been busy gathering information about child support, paternity testing (Because he is demeaning me by sayingit is not his), public a__sistance. Finding things out on my own makes me feel better. And I think that will help me make my decision.