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I know a girl, who is also 20, who has done this same thing. She was seeing a married man, whom was seperated from his wife, and he had been talking about moving away. She got pregnant thinking that would make him stay with her. Well him and his wife decided to get back together. She told him she was pregnant a month after he was back with his wife. She would write letters to him call his wifes cell phone begging him to come back to her. She talked about having an abortion, but then she says that she is going to have it so that he has to pay child support for it (as a way to get back at him). He has been back with his wife for about a year now. The baby is 3 months old and she will not let him have anything to do with it unless he comes to her house without his wife. She still thinks that he will come back to her. She is using that baby as a tool against him. I honestly do not think she is a bad mother. I have seen her with the baby and I know that she loves her. I think that her intentions for getting pregnant were wrong and she should let the child have a relationship with the father, but I do not think she is a bad mother. Your daughter will hopefully come around. Give her time. It is hard to get over someone you think that you love. You cannot just shut love off. It is not the babys fault that all of this happened the way that it did.

Dear Julia. I don't have a 20yr old daughter, but I do understand what your feeling, especially towards your daughters friend and how blind your daughter is acting. First of all, we all know love is blind and love makes us do all kinds of messed up things. I've always been an independant child when growing up, always looking out for my best interests, and my mother always trusted me to make the right decision, which I did. I grew up to be a pretty good kid with a strong head on my shoulders. I felt I knew exactly what I wanted and I knew what was up, I knew if I found myself in a messed up position, I would get myself out and not allow myself to be toyed with. Well...I thought I knew anyways, until the day I met my boyfriend. Everything was PERFECT, I fell so deeply in love with him, and on came those love shades. I was blinded by love and I couldn't see the simpliest things. He cheated on me and it hurt me pretty bad, he lied to me and I believed his lies, even though somewhere in my head, I knew they were not true. He left me for another woman, and I honestly thought he would come back to me, even though, somewhere deep inside me something was telling me that my decisions of waiting for him to come back, were wrong. I caught him on several occasions, cheating on me and I always accepted his apology, thinking it won't happen again. Yeah, right. I eventually became pregnant and caught him cheating on me again. I thought for sure that this baby would make him stop cheating. Don't get me wrong, I didn't get pregnant on purpose, it was totally unplanned, but I thought now that I'm pregnant, he won't do such a thing. So many times I sat in my room wondering where did that Bev go, that I once used to know??? The Bev that made proper decisions all her life, the Bev that would never allow anyone to continue to treat her the way I've allowed my boyfriend to treat me? I felt like since being in that relationship, I slowly started to disappear. My friends saw it, my family saw it and no one liked it. The only way I was able to open my eyes, was to leave the guy for good, which I had eventually did. Now when I look back, I can't believe the stuff I allowed myself to go through and now naieve I became. This is probably what's happening to your daughter, the guy has a hold on her and is manipulating her like a puppet. She needs to open her eyes and see the strings that are attached to her, only then she'll realize what she's putting herself through. As for your daughters friend, you said you can't help but to feel that the friend is some how pulling your daughter down with her? You're probably right. I had friend like this, she got pregnant at a young age with her first and a few yrs later with her second. We were best friends, but I always felt like she was a bit envious of me, my carefree lifestyle, able to pick up and go when I wanted to. She was always trying to hook me up with guys, usually her baby's daddy's friends. I could never understand why she would want me to hook up with them as some of them were sc_m, just like her baby's daddy. When I finally did become pregnant and was a bit upset about it, she was so happy, encouraging me to keep the baby, that THIS was what was going to keep my boyfriend from messing around on me. For a awhile I believed her, until I found myself in a bigger mess. Anyways, her and I had a b__w out and all came out. she admitted that she had been envious of me for a long time, thats when I realized that over these years, she wasn't trying to be there for me and help me with my situation, she was trying to jepordize my already messed up life. I really hope your daughter can see everything for what it is. Good luck, the only thing you can do, is try to help her see by supporting her.

Bev and Candice, than you so much for sharing your experiences with me. Bev, bless you for being so open and candid with your experience. You sound like a really sweet girl who has learned some lessons along the way. Mistakes are there to teach us lessons. My daughter is so blind. I'm afraid this "best friend" is going to cause even more damage before my daughter opens her eyes. I'm terribly worried that my daughter has gotten onto a path in life that's going to lead to far worse things. The "best friend" is controlling her more than the ex-boyfriend.....Bev, your response was very touching as I feel that my daughter has some of the feelings you described. However, she is not speaking to any of our family.......CANDICE: Your 20yr old friend may be a good mother now because she feels a certain amount of control over the married ex-boyfriend. Everybody loves babies. Hopefully your friend will become a truly caring mother to her baby. I hope that she will create a happy and productive life for her child. I have known women in similar situations who are good mothers at first, but later years prove different. When they see the ex is happy and has moved on; when they realize they cannot break up his relationship with using the baby, these women--some, not all--become bitter and you have an emotionally neglected child. Of course, married mothers do the same sometimes.....

Julia, you're welcome and you're right, we eventually do learn from our mistakes, but we must first admit to ourselves that we have made a mistake. You're daughter is not ready to admit this because she doesn't see that she is making mistakes in her life, or that she has chosen the wrong path in life. The sad thing about this is she's the only person who can make her see for herself, she's the only person who can and will open her eyes, hopefully she'll open her eyes sooner than later. She's not talking to anyone in the family because she honestly doesn't believe that she's got herself in this position that you all see her in. She's in denile about. You can continue talking to her about what you think, but just keep in mind that if you or anyone else keeps nagging her about this, then she just might turn her back completely and become even more blind to the situation. Believe me, I did this. I eventually got sick and tired of listening to my friends about how c___ppy I was being treated, how I deserved better, blah blah blah...I didn't want to hear it anymore, because I couldn't see what everyone else was seeing so I didn't think it was real, I had my own perspective of things so I turned my back on everyone who I thought was "bad talking" me and my position. Well, like I said, my eyes eventually did open and I saw everything for what it was. HOpefully your daughter will pull through, the only thing you can do, is be there for her when she does see what's going on. Good luck.

You're an impressive young lady! Seems to me you really do have a good head on your shoulders. Thanks for the advice.

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