Pregnancy Info HOME

Hi Springbaby! I too have a daughter with an absent father. She asked me about him two years ago at Christmas and i did the best I could to answer her questions while being sensitive and not rude about him. She wanted to know why he doesn't come to see her, and I told her that I didn't know. Then she asked his name, age and if he ever came to see her before. I told her that he had come to see her when she was little and his age and name. She said ok. I asked her if she had any more questions, she said no. And asked me to write down wheat she had asked me, along with my answers. And that was that! She was 6 at the time. She has never brought him up again. I would suggest letting the child bring it up to you, and answer as best you can without being negative about the father. Trust me, I wanted to call him every name in the book and tell her what a horrible person he is, but I didn't. Leave that up to your child to decide if, and when they are old enough. If the day ever comes that she wants to meet him, and he agrees, she will discover that he is not this person who fairytales are written about. I will not say a negative word about him in front of her, ever. And I will only allow meetings when she is old enough to make big decisions on her own, I'm thinking maybe 16? If not older! It's up to you, but we have to think about what is best for our children.

Hi- I'm also in the same situation.. My daughter is only 8 months old but I worry every day what I am going to tell her.. These days kids are smart and I'm worried when she's at daycare or at school and hears about other daddys that she will ask me about hers when she's 3 or so.. Any advice how to simplify an answer to that question to an infant at 3 or 4? At this point in time he has made it crystal clear he wants nothing to do with her.. I know i'm worrying about this way ahead of time but it's a topic that consumes me a lot.. maybe because I grew up with a mother and father..

You know, my friend, who also happens to have a child by the same father as mine, ran into this problem, but her daughter knew this guy before he walked out, she would always ask, "mommy why doesn't daddy love me?" and she would say "I don't think he knows how." It may seem harsh, but it is true, so I guess it's how you want to word it, while still being neutral about him. Don't say that he's this horrible person, that's not fair to your child. As far as answering a 3 or 4 year old. I tried ignoring questions like that when my daughter was little, pretending not to hear her. She was young and didn't need all that c___p anyways. It is really tough wo watch our children grow up without their fathers there for them, and it broke my heart. But we have to stay strong for our babies, and do our best to answer them honestly without being mean!

The only good thing I can say about my situation is that my daughter will not have to go through knowing her dad then losing him and wondering why he left.. but still I worry every day when the time comes where she's like-- what is a daddy? or how come so and so at school has a daddy but I dont ? I know at 3 or 4 I have to keep it simple and hopefully it will not come up again for a while once we answer it initially.. Any suggestions on what to say??

Jut tell her that some people have daddys some don't. It doesn't mean that one person is more loved than another, because she has all the love in the world from your family. There are lots of children in school who's fathers aren't int he picture. So when it comes time for Father's Day and stuff like that, get her to make things for Grandpa. Even if he lives far away, it means that she doesn't have to be excluded from such activities.

Wow, this is a wonderful thread. I have really been looking into this. I think it is important for the child to understand that he is no less special just because he has or does not have what he sees of his other friends. I take it that I will have several years before this subject comes up but one thing was expressed to me is that he receives as much love and support that he would get from two parents. I think its best to leave out any negative comments (although I hate the father to the nth degree) no matter what I say. Just still cant find the words on excecuting it so that id doesnt sound mean or harsh.

But now I am confused as you say here he is an absentee father who appears to "want to have nothing" to do with your son....Has he had a change of heart. If so that is a great path towards a new horizon. Despite parents despising eachother a child should only feel he has a mom and dad who love and acknowledge him....So if your ex has come around and wants to try and fulfill the role of a father, by all means this is at least the looks of a positive start.

Yes, if a father wants to come around and be an ACTIVE part in raising and parenting a child, then by all means, put aside your feelings towards him and try to get along for the child. BUT, if he's just popping in here or there, and not doing anything else, why bother? Don't let him do that because it will just end up hurting your child unneccesarily. I would make him Prove, without a doubt that he is going to be there for his child before I would let a relationship start. Springbaby, I would guess that you've got a few years left without questions coming up. My daughter didn't start asking questions until she was already in school. Lunamoo: I am confused. Who are you talking to? sorry, just a little confused! :)

inuk mama, I was referring to springbaby's other post where she says that the father wants to have visitation of his son...anyway it is just a few posts down on this forum.... Ciao

I am dealing with someone who has never made any real attempts to see his son onther than wierd emails that he never makes good on. I have constantly made arrangements for him that he never excecuted. It is frustrating...so at this point he is absentee. Regardless, yes, Ihave this new situation that I may have to deal with should he choose to actually spend time with my son. Just wanted thoughts.

Hello ladies! I am in the same situation as some of you...I have a 22 month old son. His father hasn't been there for him since he was 2 months old. A few months ago he and his new wife came to visit his mother who lives across the street from me wanting to see his son after all those months. He told me that he missed his and bought him $200 worth of clothes. Instead of leaving those things with me, he took them back because I would not allow my baby to go to Chicago with him and another woman. I do not know her, but I really don't like her at all because sje demanded that I bring my child outside along with his social and birth certificate. That would have been stupid of me to give up the rights to my child. I have not heard from his father since New Years, but his mother tells me that he asks about him all the time when he calls. I feel like this...if he wants our son to know him...he should bond better with him. He should help me to buy things for him and take care of him. I do not need another woman trying to be my child's step mother because I had him. I do believe that he loves our son, but how can the baby know it if his father isn't around to show it?

My daughter is 4 (without a father) and neither one of us have mentioned her dad. I fear the day she ask me. The only explaination I have will be that some people don't have daddies just like some people don't have mommies, brothers, sisters, grandmothers, ect. I'll tell her that maybe one day she'll have one.

I myself have a 2 month old baby girl who's father wants nothing to do with her. It's so sad to me because i grew up without my father but i did have my step father. I just don't know what to tell my daughter when she starts asking about him??

The only thing i can suggest is the truth. it doesnt have to be the whole truth, or a bad truth, but most of the truth, and tell it when they are ready to hear it. What if some where down the road, when your child is of legal age, their biological father contacts them, wouldnt it give you piece of mind to know that your child knows he exists, and doesnt get a surprise at the age of 20? You dont have to agree with the choices the absent parent makes, but dont punish the child by pretending they dont exist, they'll figure it out one day. I dont see how it is posible to tell a child that some people don't have daddies just like some people don't have mommies, brothers, sisters, grandmothers, etc. its not the same, some people dont have these relatives due to death, can you have your child relate to not having a daddy the same way he doesnt have a grandma because grandma died last year?

inuk-mama, I totally agree with your answer! My question is.....do you tell the child the actual "why" part? My long time boyfriend started using drugs after he found out about the pregnancy and now has lost everything including an extremely prestigious job, stole $3,000 from me and screwed all of his family and friends!!! I am done with him and will not put his name on the birth certificate but should I actually tell my daughter why he's not around if she asks someday? I'm thinking the "I don't know" answer sounds reasonable!

I would just say that mommy and daddy couldn't get along and it doesn't mean I don't love you just as much. just choose an age appropriate answer. Good Luck!