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I posted a while ago about resisting the urge to try and conceive so shortly after having Ellie. I really can't shake the feeling! It's like I've ever wanted anything so badly than to have another little bundle to drain the life out of me haha. She is a fussy baby so I have a pretty hard time with her as it is... But I still find myself wishing I would get my period so I can know when I ovulate to try to conceive, or I wish I had twins... I even think of baby names and I talk to Harold all the time about it. I'm really trying to snap out of it and wait until I'm on my feet, but I'm having the hardest time with it. I'm sure its hormones but I think there's more to it than that as well. Because I'm a teen, I of course reacted negatively to finding out that I was pregnant. I kept it a secret for a long time, I was embarrassed and scared to tell people. So until I was about 24-25 weeks along I didn't enjoy my pregnancy at all. I didn't get that wonderful feeling of telling everyone I know "I'm pregnant!!" and having a great congratulations. I didn't get that excitement of counting down the days until the first ultrasound, finding out the gender, or feeling the first kick. I was more worried about what kind of mother I would be, how I would support her, how people would react. When I told people I was pregnant, I got very negative reactions... I mean when I found out I had a negative reaction too. I was scared. I told Harold and he was scared too. I told my mom and she cried, I told my dad and he literally picked me up (6 months preggo) and threw me out of his trailer, I told my sister and she chased me around with a bat in attempt to abort her, I told my uncle and he had a nervous breakdown, I told my aunt and she called me a s___t... I was just in a bad place and didn't get the proper reactions and excitement that every pregnant woman deserves. I have a very strong urge to do it over again, and do it right this time... not necessarily for me, but for her. I don't know how I would tell her if she started asking me about when I was pregnant... No kid wants to hear they were an accident. And yeah I may have not been thrilled about getting pregnant at first, that was my mistake because I didn't understand how great being a mother could be. She wasn't an accident in God's doing--he was the one who knew from the start how wonderful she would be. I was the stupid one who needed convincing of that. I was looking at baby books the other day, and flipped through one. The first page was "You're pregnant! What was your first reaction?" I knew it was meant for someone who was immediately happy about being pregnant, someone who's eyes lit up at those two pink lines, so that when their child is older they can read it and feel good. I just burst into tears in the middle of the store. How could I have been that stupid? How did I not realize how absolutely amazing she would be? She deserves to be rejoiced, a thousand times over again. Okay well, this is really long so *hugs* to whoever got through this whole thing lol
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Can you talk to someone about your overwhelming urge to have another baby so soon? Counselor at school, therapist...? I don't want to sound cliche, but the your description of your entire immediate family is very ruff (to say the least!). Sounds like you did not have any or much true, constant and stable love throughout your own childhood. Perhaps your urge to have another child so soon is to fulfill this lack in your own life... Try to enjoy your Ellie now and every moment and you can only do this if you can carefully put aside this urge to have another--it is almost like Ellie is not enough for you now. You have gone through so much emotionally and physically and your mind and body have yet to adjust...this can take months, years. Good luck!
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Amen lunamoo, eloquently and kindly said. Good luck amanda 17!!
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I think you're right lunamoo, I've never been really happy before, and now that I have Ellie I finally am. She gave me a reason to feel good about myself, and my choices. I think that because she has made me so happy, I want to have another to add to that joy. I do enjoy Ellie so much, I love her more than anything. But it's like, two doubles the fun or something? Haha, it sounds pretty silly when I say it out loud.
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Your not the only one I promise. Although Rylan isnt here yet Jarad wants another.Lol. I wount do it but that dosnt stop him from asking. If I were you I would give my body a chance to re-coup. and just enjoy your beautiful baby girl for now, get to know her better and focus on her for a while. Good luck!
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Oh don't worry I'm not going to get pregnant again any time soon. I know better to listen to my head over my heart in these kind of situations.
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Hey sweetie, I thought I'd jump in here and try to help because this is something that makes more sense than you realize. First of all from reading all of this I see a big thing that sticks out to me which is...I don't know how to describe it any other way but that you and Ellie got jipped. I mean half your pregnancy was over before you really got to connect and enjoy it. Now that is carrying over into guilt over almost like the energy that has surrounded your beautiful little girl. I can relate to this because I went through the same thing. I wanted sooo bad to have another baby, and still do, because I want a redo. Also it's natural to just miss the whole process. It's like an adventure. It's like the plot of a movie. The suspense-Am I pregnant. Pee on the stick, hold your breath....annnnnd....it's positive. Now the conflicts. Then the big blast before the great ending-LABOR AND DELIVERY. Then daaaadummm...a beautiful baby. I long for that all over again. So what you're feeling is sooo understandable. Also you are in that stage of hormones where everything feels very anti-climatic. It was all this excitement and adventure and now you're just at home dealing with a little person. Not to say it isn't lovely, but in levels of adrenaline rushes-it's a downgrade.
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As for the question in the baby book-that's just guilt and I went through the same thing. I still go through it wondering how I'm going to explain to my son about how he got here, his father, etc. How do you explain that without making him hate himself? Hate who he is? The thing is-with all the love in your heart, you find a way to explain it. In my baby book I think my response said something like I was shocked because it was an unexpected surprise. I always wanted kids but the reality of actually being pregnant was what shocked me the most. I left it at that. You can even add that you were still young and were worried about what kind of mom you would be. Years from now when Ellie reads it and is able to see all that you have sacrificed for her and all the love she has had in her life, there will be an added level of respect for you for being able to pull it together at such a young age. When it comes to the words mistake, or unplanned I use Roseanne's explanation (from the television show) when DJ asked if he was an accident. She said something like, you were a surprise. Something that she didn't know she wanted until she got it. When I say it to my son I'm going to add to that that he was something that once I got him, I couldn't imagine my life being whole without him. I hope that helps, and just remember, what you are feeling IS normal, and I wouldn't say it's one of those trying to fulfill the love you didn't get in your childhood kind of things. I really just think you're hurting for a do-over, and are hurting from how anti-climatic things seem in the first few months of having your baby. I read somewhere that that is one of the biggest reasons women go through the baby blues. Trust me-that feeling will go away once Ellie starts really hitting milestones and gets mobile, then you are going to be glad you aren't pregnant because it would be a pain in the b___t trying to give her the attention she needs and chase after her while you are big and pregnant. I really think the only way to get your redo on pregnancy is to have Ellie up in age (so you don't deal with the guilt some mommies feel when they have kids close together and they feel bad that their oldest didn't get a chance to get the attention he/she deserved), be in a touchy feely phase in marriage (where your husband will cater to you and help so you can completely enjoy your pregnancy as much as possible), and your family is either okay with your life situation or is detached from you enough so they won't cause unneeded pain or stress. I got through what your going through by daydreaming about REALLY being able to enjoy a pregnancy and it going the way I think it's supposed to. Sorry it's so long!!!
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Thanks V, I do feel pretty cheated. I just wish I would have known how great being pregnant and being a mom would be so I can do it all over again. Instead of being like "Oh c___p... I'm pregnant." I would have been like "HECK YES I'M PREGNANT! A little mini me, soon to be!" Haha. I guess all I can really do is let her know that she's the best thing that's ever happened to be...Planned or otherwise. I just remember being little and having my brothers and sisters tease me saying "you were an accident!" I was actually planned, but neither I nor my siblings knew that. Anyway it was just them trying to be mean. I don't want her to feel like just because she was unplanned means she's not as loved as she could be, because there's absolutely no way I could squeeze in anymore love for her. She's taking up all the room in my heart haha.
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Well one plus she has is that she will be the oldest. Kids will tease about those things regardless, but it's usually the older kids teasing the younger ones. Trust me I heard the same things from my older brother and sister. I heard a lot of c___p because I was the youngest. So I think she'll be fine, just pray for the youngest child you will have someday!!!! LOL!!!!
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