Pregnancy Info HOME

He does have a third party telling him things... his sister was the one who "made [him] realize" I was holding him back. It's so stupid. He was over today and to help me out, but he didn't do a d__n thing. We went out to eat and I asked him to hold her while I got dressed because she was being fussy, and he was already dressed... He told me no! I said "Is there something you need to do?" And he said no... And made me get dressed while holding her with one arm. Then I accidentally cut her with the nail clipper today and that always makes me feel really bad... He called me a child abuser! Then when we were eating our waiter was hitting on me, and he got really upset and started like hugging and kissing me I'm like wtf I'm trying to eat. Then after that I needed to go get bras since all of mine are too small from b___stfeeding... He gave me this huge sigh when I went out to get them and made me take her in the dressing room with me while he wandered off somewhere. When I was done I was looking everywhere for him, and I found him at the jewelry part of the store and he asked me to try on those little sample ring sizes to see what size I was on my ring finger... I'm guessing because my "old" engagement ring was always too big for me (swollen pregnancy fingers) and it needed to be resized. Then we came home and Ellie was asleep... I asked him what was up with him acting so weird and he didn't answer. I asked if we wanted to talk to me and he said no. So I went in the kitchen to carve pumpkins with my sister and when I got back he was gone. He just got up and left randomly... He is acting SO freaking WIERD this is not like him at all. It's driving me crazy! If you're gonna be there, be there, if you're not, you're not. Don't play stupid gams! Ugh!!

God those are big red flags-he's starting to sound like my ex. The one thing I thought about last night was that he really does need to talk to a neutral third party. I believe guys go through some of the things we go through after having a baby. I also believe that if they don't rationalize or aren't mature about it then they end up resenting the mother of their child and a lot of times the child. I can somewhat understand what they go through. I mean take Ellie out of the picture and imagine its' just you and him haviing fun and being all lovey-dovey. One day you're ovulating and making out with him while sitting on a bench. Fluids get released and you get done and get up. Your sister comes with her bf and they start making out on the same bench, somehow your now fertilized egg is now inside of her and she's pregnant. Of course this is not possible but this is the closest thing I could come up with. Anyway, you would feel responsible because it's genetically your baby, but when you start feeling like you are feeling now, you are more resentful because you haven't had the last nine months with the baby inside of you. You were just having fun one day and bam, now yu have to stop what you are doing. It would cause you to have some odd feelings and lash out sometimes. Harold may be going thruogh this. And you say he can't deal with stuff, so he's not going to handle these very serious emotions and issues in the best way-sounds like he has his running shoes on, though he knows he doesn't want to go cuz he loves you and Ellie, but the ha__sle and the change!!!! Again sorry for the weird example, but anyway, counseling may be the only chance you have, because this is why many couples break up after having a baby. Us girls go through the same thing, but most of us don't run. Also just what your feeling about leaving Ellie to get a break, that is how I felt. That is what lead me to be soooo worn down because I knew I needed a break, or time to myself, but I almost didn't want it. When i finally did take a break and went to amovie when my son was like 9 months old, I couldn't really enjoy myself!!! I wanted him to be there-I thought about how miserable he might be at the very moment-I felt guilty. This is why months after having a baby is so hard-ESPECIALLY when your guy is putting his issues into play, but yeah, trust me, it does get better as she gets older. You are a great mom Amanda, and a great person, but you are going to have to learn (when she gets older-it's harder now, so I won't say now) that every little detail won't ruin her. Worry more about the long term effects of your stress and the situation with Harold than little nicks and accidents, and a day to take for yourself. As for Harold, I pray he wakes up, because I promise you, if he b__ws it-he is going to regret it the rest of his life. And if he doesn't fix it now, soon you'll be over it. It something about having a baby-you shut people down permenantly, a lot quicker than before, and it sounds like you have always been strong with a good head on your shoulders-so the clock is ticking on him.

I agree with you 100% and that's why I'm still pushing counseling. But eventually, probably soon, I'll just get way too tired of dealing with his nonsense.

Yea but a sister is still invloved...I think the worst thing to do in a relationship that is having problems is go to somone that will be involved in your lifes forever...i think if you both sat down with his sister and talked to her it would be a different story, but what couple really sits down with a family member and says here is what our problem is? usually it is is only one or the other. Because of when my dh and i split up the first time. His sister and i have never spoken again because, of course eventhough it was a mutural split she blamed me for everything. we still to this day do not talk unless we are argueing....now it is the same thing with dh brother in law. I love him dearly and he has done so much for me and now he doesnt want to talk to me because of the relationship problems dh and i are having...so basically what i am saying is his sister is still a involved party, because she is family.

His sister actually likes me so I'm confused why she would say that to him. She's such a sweet person I find it hard to believe she said anything (knowingly) against me. Anyway Renni (the woman Harold lives with) arranged for the psychologist (I forgot his name... he's apparently pretty well-known and wrote a bunch of relationship books though) to come down to her house to talk with us before we set up an appointment (His office is a little far away and him and Renni are good friends so he was willing to do her a favor) It was funny because he told me pretty much the same thing I said on the other post... to approach every situation in a loving way. There is a certain way to say everything, and no one wants to feel like they're a failure or they've done something really bad. Words leave a lasting impression so you have to choose the right ones. Which sounds like common sense but very few people actually do it, and it takes practice. He also said if there's a bunch of things I feel like Harold is doing wrong I should narrow them down. One at a time if I can, at most three at a time. People handle things better when given in small amounts, all at once is overwhelming. So he said I should ignore some of the smaller things and address the more important things first. And to think about it before I say anything because in reality it may not even be worth the trouble. He said when I address the problems I should let Harold know he's also doing good things as well. So that was my session, Harold had a separate one. We've only been trying his advice for about 4 hours now haha, but we've been getting along even better than we used to so I feel really good about it.

well that is good that is is working for the first 4 hours lol! i have always tried doing exactly like he told you but my dh looks at it as i always have complaints about him, not that i am trying to spread my complaints out

Hey Amanda, keep the good advice coming! It's weird cuz it's like all that stuff is common sense, but for some reason you don't think about it in your relationships. I'm trying to give my ex a chance at friendship, but he gets so overwhelmed just being around me. I don't rag on him or anything, but maybe things I say just in pa__sing reminds him of the millions of things he did wrong, and then he coils up. Also I'm at the point that I'm like "screw being careful of your feelings-what about mine!!!" Maybe I'll try that advice-that is if I even decide it's worth the effort!!! :) I'm tired of b.s. ssorry

Day 1.5 things are going really well :) I'm definitely going to set up an appointment, but first I have to check if my insurance will cover it. If you really try at his advice, like I have to stop myself before I run my mouth haha, and today I let a little complaint slip but I just said "oops. It doesn't matter. Let's just do it your way." Which is pretty hard for me because I'm a perfectionist, but yeah. Just really try at it and it works wonders :)

Well Amanda I'm glad you're going to get counseling with him. Hopefully that will help things!

Thank you :)

amanda i just wanted you to know if it doesnt work, you can still continue to be a great mom. just because you are young doesnt mean you are doomed to fail as a single teen mother. it sounds like from what you have posted in the past that you have ellie's best interest at heart. having both parents together is not always best for kids, especially if they arent in love any longer. my sister was in a similar situation and raised my niece primarily on her own, and 6 years later my niece is still a great kid. so if you try the counseling and things arent any better, no reason to be scared. single people raise children just as well as couples do. like the saying goes, you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

Thank you Mandy, I got all teary-eyed reading that :)

That was a very nice post, mandy