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Hell Amanda, I'm the opposite. I'm always a___lyzing every detail of EVERYTHING. So therapy helped. I went to therapy at 15 and was diagnosed with ptsd, a sleeping disorder, anxiety disorder, depression, etc. I got transferred to another therapist about a year later who p__sed me off beyond belief because he always said my problems stemmed from the fact that I'm a very angry person. I'm like wtf....I'm never angry. I'm way too nice to people. Years later I realize that he was right. I'm angry but i don't know how to express it in a healthy way. I internalize it and beat myself up or let it make me obsessed with perfecting everything. I don't know how to put the blame where it belongs. As for the drugs...I know the zombie feeling. They tried to put me on them in the beginning and I went along with it hoping it would be the fix-it but one day I found myself in bed half dead and suddenly I saw raindrops coming from my ceiling and my skin tingled and felt wet like water was hitting me. Let's just say I was done right then. Well actually I was done after I spent two hours checking to make sure the ceiling wasn't leaking. LOL!

lol I a___lyzed everything too. Therapy was just encouraging it when in my case they should have been like "drop it, leave it alone, move on." I a___lyzed everything so much that I blamed myself for things that weren't even close to being my fault. I would twist the story around because it was hard for me to believe at the time that a lot of bad things could happen totally unprovoked and that I was just a good person who a lot of c___ppy things had happened to. It lowered my self esteem so much that I felt like I really didn't deserve to be happy. I got rid of everything that was good in my life and left myself with nothing. When I left my therapist was a breakthrough for me, because I left because it wasn't making me feel better. So that was the first time in about four years that I had ever done something good for myself. That's when I realized that none of the things that were making me depressed were my fault. Then I was at peace with myself and learned to really love myself. And once that happened, it was easy for me to put away my sword and walk away. There's no use dwelling on things that have already happened, there's no use hating anyone, especially yourself. When you have that kind of respect for yourself it's like an invisible shield, people can try to break you down as much as they want, but when you really know that you're better than that, it really doesn't do anything to you. It's pretty cool, haha.

It always p__sed me off because, they tried to say all of my problems were my fault. Like V I over a___lize everything, so the way I looked at it was, Yes the problems were my problems and It was my fault I let them get to me so much, noone should make me depressed, insecure, angry or anything, for that matter. I as a indivisual should be stronger then that, but at the same time they try to force you into believeing it ALL your fault. That just makes it all worse, you have to realize yourself that it shouldnt get you so much. I am still the type of person that if you try to force me into doing something or try to force beliefs on me I will go the opisit way....It wasnt til I said screw this and took myself all the meds that I was clear headed enough to realize all of this. I am sorry that you got raped, I never had to go through anything like that, I was molested by a boyfriend who was 6 years older then me when I was 11, I refused to have s_x until I was ready....Which I did. I am proud of myself for. I didnt have s_x til I started dateing my husband. We didnt wait very long into our relationship but I felt I was ready, and he was the one I wanted to do it with....Guess I made the right decision. The guy who molested me was angry I wouldnt have s_x with him so decided to try to force it when we had been drinking. He decided to do it in front of my friends (who were mostly guys) and when I couldnt get him off of me I yelled for help, (which was about 20ft away) and they kicked his a__s. I really didnt know for years if they killed him or what, because that was the last time I saw him til I was 17. He came up to me and acted as if nothing had ever happend. In the neiborhood I grew up in i wouldnt have been surprised if they killed him. its ironic though how things work because was the first guy that I ever REALLY kissed, and he ended up molesting me......It ironically taught me alot, and made me stick to my decision of not haveing s_x til I was sure I was ready. I am 22 years old and have been with 3 guys. dh and i split for nine months and I started seeing someone else in that time. I really got to experiment and learn alot in that time too. I dateed someone else, and it turned out he had a fiance and I was "the other woman"...haha yea that was drama and ended in a T.P.O, and then i had my one night stand with a good friend of mine, who needless to say isnt my friend anymore (great guy just cant be friends after that)...So I learned to appreciate my husband alot more and he learned the same......Man life is amazeing, and puts you through hell just so you can learn

Yeah I get you ladies, Im still a work in progress. One problem I have is that I'm surrounded by negativity and triggers. My mother being one major one, and she is the only support I have where I live. The thing is that I'm deeply in need of it and she gives it, but it backfires at times. What I need to be able to get to the point you guys are at is a new start. To be somewhere more positive around more positive people. People I can trust. I'm living in a town where I feel paranoid no matter what I do because of my son's grandfather being a crooked cop here, his family being everywhere, and even my own sister believes that everything in that whole situation was my fault!!! I'll get there!

db- Your situation was actually pretty similar to mine. I met this guy, who I was slightly attracted to. He was that kind of mysterious type so I was pretty intrigued, but never considered a relationship with him. I hung out with him a few times and he tried to get physical a lot, but I always refused. Well, then I met my now fiance and it was love at first sight. I just had a feeling when I saw him that I was going to spend my life with him. So I hung out with him a lot. All the time really. And Tony (the guy who raped me) started getting really jealous. I was upfront with him and told him nothing would happen between us. He was really depressed when I told him, but determined to prove to me he was better than Harold. He would buy me flowers, write me poems... But I refused everything he offered. After a while he started waiting for me outside my house, following me when I went to the store or to a friends house, always trying to talk to me. I tried ignoring him without any luck, so I stupidly agreed to meet with him just to tell him to back off. And I did, but he was furious when I told him. He threw me in the back of his car, held me down and raped me. I screamed and cried as loud as I could, but no one was around to hear me. After he finished up I tried to get out of the car, but he had the stupid childlocks on. I huddled myself in the corner and cried. When he saw me crying, he started crying too. I guess when you're not raping someone tears mean more? Anyway, he said he was sorry, that he loved me, and that he would leave me alone. He was good to his word, drove me home and the second I got out of his car I told my mom, who called the police. Unfortunately him leaving me alone worked almost too well. I didn't know his last name, his phone number, where he lived, how to reach him, or even anyone else who knew him. It was almost like he was being careful the information he told me, like he was planning it the whole time. V9653- I support you!! I think you're intelligent enough and have enough will power to get anywhere you want in life. You've already proven yourself to be a strong woman, all you need is a step in the right direction.

aw thanks!! You have no idea how much that means to me.

DB!! I feel I need to ask your permission for this.. lol.. well my husband was on the forum here looking at everyones childrens names and such. And he saw you named your son Dante. He said "wow, I love that name... " and now he's listed it as one of the names for if we have a boy. >< Would you mind if we used it??