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My husband and I have been considering having a baby. We are only 21 and have been married a year and a half... almost two years. We both agreed that we wanted children when we got married. He was adamant about waiting until we moved back to the US to have one though. Lately, however, we've been talking about it and we both would like to have one, despite our current residence.
The problem is that my mother really wants to be there for my pregnancy and I want my parents there when my first child is born. My family is very close and it's important. My father is a preacher and I want him to bless my child when it's born. My mom and I have talked this over and she says she won't be upset and that they would try to fly out for the birth. I could also go home for the mid part of my pregnancy.
The other problem is my inlaws. They mean well and I love them dearly. My mother in law keeps reminding us that she and her husband were 26 before they got pregnant. Also one of my brothers in law is having a baby with his wife. We fear that if we have a baby at the same time, my inlaws will think we did it to keep up with the brother. And we fear our child will always be compared to it's cousin. We have our reasons for this belief.
I want a baby. Not to compete and not to spite anyone. I just want to be a mother. Please... any advice is welcome.
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If you feel that the two of you are ready, it should not matter what anyone else thinks. You have to weigh what is more important to you, being with your family for your pregnancy and birth, or getting pregnant immediately. You are still young, so if you and your hubby did decide to let your bil have his "moment", and have your own baby later on, it wouldn't be a big deal "age wise". You also have to consider how much "alone time" you and your hubby want before having a child, b/c trust me, there isn't much after kids come along!! haha I don't know what I would have done if my parents were not with me during my pregnancy and now that my little one is here. I am very close to my mom and dad, so I understand where you are coming from. I think that it is something that you and you hubby need to sit down and weigh the pros and cons of having a baby now vs later. When are you planning to move back to the US? I wish you all the best. You all have a tough decision to make!
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Once you have a baby it won't matter what other people think, you won't even be concerned with it. As far as it being compared to its cousin, you won't care about that either. You will feel that your baby is beyond comparison, so don't give all that stuff a second thought. I call issues like that "energy vampires", so don't waste time worrying. You guys are really young, I don't think it would hurt to wait until you go back to the states and get settled. I would want to have my mother as close to me as humanly possible when I get pregnant.
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Thank you both for your advice. I know that to me my baby would be perfect. But... I already deal with a great amount of comparison with my Brother in law's wife. And my husband never hears the end of how he should be trying harder to be like his brother. We've learned to cope with it, but I don't want my baby to have to hear thngs like that about his cousin. In the end i know it doesn't matter. Really. And I know we have lots of time. I've been telling my father that for ages. lol. He'd love me to get pregnant and pop a kid out tomorrow. I don't know. I feel ready to have a baby. So does my husband. He never stops talking about it. Sometimes he talks to the "future babies in my belly" lol. There is just so much to think about. I know I would have the full support of my family. But I can just hear the phone call from his mom... As for age... I read that it's better to have children in your twenties, and I want four. I'm babbling. Sorry.
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I know how comparisons can hurt people. But if you are being compared to your sister-in-law, you may be feeling nad about it, because it plays on our own insecurities about ourselves. Everyone is insecure to some degree, so comaprison's don't help. HOWEVER, when it comes to your child, you will have no question as to him being the perfect child for you so any comparisons to other children will be hogwash. But yes, if he or she grows up FEELING that he is compared to his cousin all the time that can really hurt his feelings. So when the time comes, and you see this start to happen, nip it in the bud right away. Your motherly/protection instincts will kick in and if you see a family member hurting your kid, you'll step up and say something. Don't worry about his mother, she's probably just a miserable woman and she knows it.
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u say we r onli 21, u r old enuf im 13 with a baby
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She's really not so bad. I don't even think she knows that she does it. Thank you though. You made me smile. lol.
And Sasha... thank you. Though if I were you I would have waited. 13 is just a little young to be birthing babies. But thank you anyway.
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I know all about a "comparing MIL". My SIL has twins. That's a hard act to follow! It was almost like, OK, now top that! lol Like frankschick said, you have to nip it in the bud. Whenever I hear her comparing her to "the twins" I always stop her, and say "she's her own person, please don't compare them". My SIL is awesome too, we joke all the time that my daughter is going to have a complex unless we have a boy REALLY soon!! haha I hope that you can make a decision that works for you both...MIL's eh? Can't live with them, end of story. I'm just kidding.
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 | r - February 10 |
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I completely know how you feel. My SIL and BIL are preggers and due any day now. In all the 10yrs that I have known my BIL he's tried to outdo my husband and I in every way and always rains on our parade. We got engaged - so did they and booked their wedding a month after we wanted ours so we moved it. We got married and had a fantastic honeymoon traveling for a month - we come home and literally as the plane landed we are called up not to be asked how we got, on but because out of all the days on the calender the SIL decides to announce she's 2 weeks pregnant!!! 2 WEEKS!!! Couldn't she have waited a little longer so we could just enjoy one moment. So now it feels like she's been pregnant for years not months! Throughout I've been told how i'll feel when I'm pregnant, that I'm too young to think about it now, (I'm 26!) and all this other stuff I don't really want to be preached too about. I can't tell her how much she is driving me mad and it is really getting to me now. The thing is - I really want a baby now too and I can't say anything because in order to escape the barrage of lectures we've more or less said we don't want kids. What we're planning is to just get on with it and not say a word until 16wks at the earliest - it's the only way I can see that we'll be able to enjoy it in peace! I can foresee that the cousins will always be compared and I don't really want to be putting my children through that.
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Exactly. Except in this case my MIL is always telling us not to have children. She keeps telling us to wait. Not to have them yet. My BIL is only a few years older than my husband and I, but because he decided to have a child now, it's the right time. If we got pregnant it would be the wrong time, no matter when it was. And while I'm trying not to care, it bothers me. I get the feeling that she won't be happy about any child we have, no matter how long we wait. I have told her since my husband and I were first engaged that I wanted children, more than one is possible. And yet she has always made me feel as though she didn't want me to. Just little things she's said, "No all the old baby jewelry goes to the first grandchild, after all I don't know if I'll have any more." Things like that. I don't think she means to bother me, but it does. *sigh* I shouldn't be complaining, I have it very good. We think we might try to get pregnant in the summer. No matter what anyone thinks.
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