My Fiance Seems To Not Want Me
6 Replies
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My fiance has two children from her previous marriage and I have one from mine. We were together for two and a half years before I asked her to marry me. She lives at her parents and would spend a good amount of time at my place, both alone and with the kids. Soon after asking her to marry me, we found out she was pregnant. This would be the third time that she was pregnant by me. The first two pregnancies ended in miscarriages. We didn't plan the first time, the second was planned, but this time she wasn't sure if she wanted to try again. We began to look for a home together. After a month into the pregnancy, things began to change. We've had our fair share of problems like any couple, but nothing major. She told me she needed to spend more time at her parents to be with her family and needed me to leave her be if she asked. She started to become distant, very irritable and mean, non communicative (when we were together she would not talk much), and unaffectionate. I became confused and talked with her about this. She told me exactly the same thing as before and said she needed to deal with this all in her own way. As the days and months have passed, I like a man, didn't LISTEN to exactly what she was telling me, and continued to tell her how her actions were making me feel. Things between us became progressively worse. I tried to understand and do as she asked, but it just became harder. Not knowing what was going through her mind and how she was feeling about me was killing me inside and began pushing me. I continued to try and talk with her (her reply was always, you know how I feel about you and just leave it be) and the arguing continued. Then her reply became, I was pushing her and beginning to smother her (I was expressing myself more to her). She wasn't coming around as much, she didn't call or answer as much, express herself as much, etc. The house hunting became a real disaster and had a profound effect on what she thought of me. Things came to a really bad place a week ago today (week 26 for her). We were at the end of the rope with each other. The following morning we discussed looking for a house again. She came over my place and spent the night, but since then has gone right back to being the same way she has been. I understand where things got between us and nothing can be fixed overnight, but I've told her numerous times that the way she is, is hurting me and has me confused about us. Now, a week later (week 27), she continues to not answer or call (once a day is all), come around, (even I have offered to come there), and sound very distant and irriatated during conversation (usually a lot of silence). We are moving forward within reguards to looking for a home, but I feel lost, alone, confused, and afraid of losing her. It's only been a week, but we haven't argued and I haven't asked her about her feelings. I have only sparringly told her that I love her and what she means to me, as well to not overdue it. I'm just still confused by her actions, I'm hurt, I feel alone, and I try so hard to understand. People all along have told me that the way she has been was hormones, but I know I have played a role as well. I want so bad to talk with her and know what she feels, thinks, etc. considering we're looking for a home together. I don't want to get into a house and find out in 6 months that she's through with me. I'm afraid to ask her, for fear that she will get angry and I might lose her for good this time. Push her too far and there is no recovering from it. I have never loved anyone like I love her. She showed me so much love and expressed herself to me prior to the pregnancy, that I have opened my heart to her like I never have before. I would do anything for her and her kids. The hurt and pain that I have felt since all of this started has been almost unbearable and her actions have been pushing me. I lean on my love for her to keep myself from being pushed too far. I tried my best to listen to her and leave it be, but my fears always seemed to get the best of me. I don't want things to get worse, I only want them to get better.Where do I go from here?
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You are a good man....I am sorry to hear you are being treated like c___p. Here are my suggestions from a woman's perspective: 1. LET her be. DONT call or go and see her....at all. 2. JUST TELL HER that you love her and are there for her when she needs you. Stand by your word and whatever you do....don't smother her because it'll backfire. 3. If you guys are not married....DON'T risk things by buying a house together. It's likely to hurt you in the end if the two of you break it off. Please realize there is a chance she's gonna bail out....with the baby and all. It's a screwed up way to behave...but prepare yourself for it and I suggest the following if this happens: WHATEVER YOU DO....DO NOT ALLOW HER TO REDUCE YOUR PRESENCE IN YOUR CHILD'S LIFE TO NOTHING MORE THAN A CHILD SUPPORT CHECK. Even if the two of you do not work out...your child NEEDS your love and physical presence. SPLIT custody and be involved in the child's life....please! DO NOT LET HER try and tell you your presence as a father is less important than hers and the mother. Fathers are soooo important. If the two of you are meant to be....she will return to you. BUT if it's gonna last....and with the child coming....you two may be better off getting married. DON'T do it though unless you know she's not gonna screw you over. This whole mess may very well be pregnancy hormones....but prepare for the worst just the same. Good Luck to you!
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An added update. The house hunting got cancelled. She is heading out of town for a week. I asked her some questions reguarding seeing her, since it had been a week and with her away it would be another week or more. She started to get irritated and her last response was downright rude. I responded by telling her that when you have the time to see me, let me know. She responded to that by telling me, lets just end it now and save us both the headache. She seems to think and believe I was starting something with my comment. I understand how I said it, but these 6 months have been murder. She was never like she has been, since being pregnant. I'm the one who sold my place (taking the entire profit to pay her bill, buy a car, and lay money down on a new house), was looking for a house where she wanted, got a second job (so she can stay home and raise the children), take care of her children like my own, pay for her children since they get nothing from their own, and was bending over backwards for her happiness. I had no problem with doing any of that. That's how much love I had for her. I would have done anything. So that's where it stands. Over and done with. I text messaged her after a few hours of cooling down after her telling me it was over. I did not beg, plead, or whine. I simply told her how over the course of the last months how she had been traeting me and how she made me feel. I told her that I would respect her decision and that was that. I have not heard from her since and I have not tried to text or call her. I would never let my child go without a father. I have split custody of my one child now and I will do the same for the one coming, just so everyone knows. I have been hurt so bad and my heart and soul bruised so much that I don't know if I could risk being with her again. She would have to do a lot of convincing. If she calls or if she came over, I don't know what I would even say to her. I wouldn't know where to begin. What should I do? I love her, but yet my heart can't continue to take the b__ws that it has. We're in our mid-thirties and she seems to be playing high school games. No communication, no nothing. Just wanting to be with her family, but I thought that's what I was suppossed to be.
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saddad-I have to agree with docbytch's comment. Before even reading your update, I felt that this was not meant to be. For your own mental health, I want you to look back at the relationship from the beginning and ask yourself honestly if you saw any warning signs. This will help you in your next relationship. Definitly insist on being a major part of your child's life, and don't let her prevent you from seeing your child. You sound like a nice guy and I hope the best for you. Stay strong and keep us posted.
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hi,im sorry to hear of your situation and i dont really have an answer for you ive just this moment left a question on the forum myself and after reading yours i see we are in similar predicaments only i think mine is in the earlier stages,just wanted you to know your not the only one suffering
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hi saddad,
i truly feel with you and hope that it will work out somehow! I am in a nearly identical situation, also (minus the previous kids). i have the added "luck" of living out of the US where she lived with me, but 5 weeks ago she went back for eight months to have the pregnancy and birht there (i live in a pretty hot climate). now she informed me that she will not return, she feels like she doesn't love me anymore and the only thing she is constantly saying is that she doesn't want to hurt me??? and, she more than happily makes sure i send tons of money to suport every need she might ahve (like buying a car)...
i truly hope to see a posting from you here one day to tell us all that you guys worked it out!!! And I really hope I can join you in that...
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A quick update. I've been letting her do her thing and I have been keeping quite busy. She's been calling me more often, even though she hasn't got much to say. She does come over somewhat and we have been intimate, but she still is very uneffectionate. She has gotten angry at things, but I've been biting my tongue, letting her rant, and just smiling back, as if to say your not suckering me into any arguement anymore. She says she loves me once in a blue moon, but I know she does. I've been trying to stay strong and hold on. Only 10 more weeks until the baby is due and another few months after that for her to hopefully get back to normal. I'm not complaining about anything, just taking what I am given at the time I get it and enjoying that time. We have gone out to look for a house again, but I'm taking my time and making sure things are headed right first. I'll update more later.
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