One Of Us Loses No Matter What
3 Replies
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My boyfriend (27yrs) of two years and I (24yrs) are pregnant. Well, I'm pregnant of course. We live together, and are in the process of buying and rehabbing our first house. We get along really well, talk instead of fight, and generally are happy people.
However, the pregnancy was completely unexpected and I fear it is going to ruin us. I have Polycystic Ovaries, and I was told by more than one doctor, on more than one occasion that if I wanted to have children I would have to take fertility drugs, because I wasn't ovulating, thus no periods/etc. We used spermicide as a precaution, and agreed that we wanted to wait until we had a 'lot' of money before having a baby. That being said, we make 72k/yr combined (I make a little more, but it is pretty 50/50), so we are not by any means poor. We got the house for 60k with all the work rolled into the loan because it was in foreclosure when we bought it.
So, when I found out I was pregnant, I was scared, because I knew he would push for abortion and he did. I said I didn't want to be bullied into getting one, and that I don't want to be rash in my decision and regret it later. He said he knows I would be sad if I aborted, but that he would help me. I replied that I don't think I'd want his support, because I would probably be angry with him.
He won't even entertain the idea of parenting. He just says that he is depressed and miserable, because he feels like his life is over. I pointed out that plenty of people do it with far less than what we have, and they are happy. His response was 'I am not them.'
I also added that they were children can change people, and he said he doesn't want to change.
He won't leave, though. He told me he loves me and will marry me and be with me no matter what. But now what I am afraid of is that if I keep the baby, he will never be the same and will always be unhappy, and if he didn't love his child I think that would kill me. But if I abort to keep him happy, then I will never be the same.
I don't know what to do. I love him so much, and I know he loves me too, but one of us has to lose here. All I can think is that if we have the baby, he might come around, but if we don't, I don't think I'll ever forgive myself. I tried asking him if we could go see a counselor together and he said no.
So far only my family knows, because I am unsure of how far along I am until Monday's appointment. Their advice is to dump him and have the baby -- but I don't want to do that. I want him to realize that a baby is not a terrorist weapon, and that while our lives will take a big change, it doesn't have to be a bad one.
Barring anything else, I could tell his mother and watch her clobber him -- but I like to be fair.
What can I do to keep him from being so depressed? How can I show him that it might not be so bad? Should I consider the abortion? Has anyone else been through this?
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if you have the abortion you will live to regret it! you getting pregnant is a miracle and you cant forget that. with everything you have going on inside your body, do you want to risk making it even harder to get pregnant one day because sometimes abortions leave scar tissue. your fiance may be nervous now and that is completely natural. but, dont you think that 9 months down the road he will be holding his little baby and looking at him or her with amazment and love? and if he choses to be a coward and walk away, doesnt that show you something right there of his character? i am sorry you are faced with such a hard decison. only you can defend your childs life, he cannot defend him/herself yet. i would be afraid that if you did terminate this pregnancy it would haunt you for the rest of your life. everytime you see a starngers baby it would be a reminder of what you felt you had to do. im sorry you are in thid position and i hope that you are able to clear your mind so you can listen to what God wants you to do.
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Wow, your situation sounded a lot like mine. My boyfriend is 26, and I'm 24. I had the same thing, where I was told I wouldn't be able to have kids without fertility drugs. So we were careful, not TOO careful and ended up pregnant. My boyfriend insisted that I get an abortion and there's NO WAY he would want a kid. I was insistent that was not possible and we fought for the first 3-4 months about it. Like you, we got along GREAT. No problems, and if there were problems, we could talk it out. I wish I could say that one day this will magicially disappear, but it won't. BUT THERE IS GOOD NEWS--I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant and we are getting done with the little one's room. My boyfriend is getting excited (he won't SAY he's excited, but I can tell) and he's helping with the planning of the childcare costs, baby thigns, etc. Trust me, he's derinitely not that type of person, but what a difference a few months make. I'm not trying to say your boyfriend is right, but I do know that there is a chance he'll turn around and not see a baby as the end of his life (I think my boyfriend thought his whole world was going to end). I would say the further along you are, let him make some decisions (small ones) and just be patient. I know I hated that advice from people, but it's true. Don't rush into an abortion, and don't make him do that to you. Be firm and let him know you're not going to let that happen. After that, things will (slowly) fall into place. Good luck, and know youre DEFINITLEY not the only one. I've been there. :)
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this is just what i personally would do, i definatly could not abort, i think it would destroy your relationship for one cause you'd always resent him. i'd bring up adoption, not that i would actually do it but i think most people, even scared "little boys" don't like the idea of other people raising their child and might rethink their position. at least i think he will let go of his fears and embrace this gift as the pregnancy progresses. in my situation, my bf was excited and scared and we were way worse off than you esp financially, and he began drinking heavily, trying to stop, relapsing, giving up, it seemed pretty hopeless and i was devastated its not what i wanted for my family, for my baby, when my son was born we were so amazed and 10days later he got wasted and didn't come home so i told him we were getting a restraing order and 2 days later he had gotten a loan to go to rehab and checked himself in. hes been sober and a wonderful father since....and i forgot to add i spent the last 5months of my preg. in a home for preg. women in phx. so there is help and hope with or without him and he sounds like hes afraid to change his lifestyle, but life doesn't end with kids, priorities just shift. kyle still goes to concerts and out with me and friends and gets to buy stuff for himself, he just got a truck and tatoos and i got a bunch of new non-maternity clothes! my point is that its your choice what you do and he'll probably come around, try to expose him to people with young children if you can cause maybe hes got all these false a__sumptions because he hasn't seen people with new babies. hell we took our son to the movies at 4 days old, he just slept and nursed. i mean esp if you have fertility issues i would be excited for your first child. what if she or he is your only? trust yourself enough that you can do this and enjoy this, its his choice to join the fun or miss out cause hes scared...and of what really, babies have no teeth, they can't gum you to death, and they're too short to steal you're wallet, watch out for those 13yr olds tho, but you've got 14yrs to start worring about that, right? and really if you wait till you think you have enough money you'll never have kids. besides babies are cheap(its parents who get too excited and buy too much stuff and the expensive stuff at that. its the only reason babies "cost so much") its teenagers that are expensive, luckily you can tell them to get a job haha. i hope things work out for you. you deserve a happy pregnancy not all this stress. let us know how things go for you. good luck
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