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Okay, here come the racist jokes!! (Joke - I'm half Chinese, can I get away with this?! Well, I'll try anyway!.....). Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey boss, I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me s_x. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

now bbk that was funny. i cant get enough of president jokes. i like this forum so much better than the c-section one i have been engrossed with.

A parent's prayer (those with older kids will appreciate it more):A Parent's Prayer Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my sanity to keep. For if some peace I do not find, I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind. I pray I find a little quiet, Far from the daily family riot. May I lie back and not have to think About what they're stuffing down the sink, Or who they're with, or where they're at And what they're doing to the cat. I pray for time all to myself (did something just fall off a shelf?) To cuddle in my nice, soft bed (Oh no, another goldfish--dead!) Some silent moments for goodness sake (Did I just hear a window break?) And that I need not cook or clean (well heck, I've got the right to dream) Yes now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my wits about me keep, But as I look around I know, I must have lost them long ago!

a father and son a sitting at a bar celebrating tha fathers life, as they make another toast someone asks what they are celebrating the father tells them aids. ooh well have a good one the man walks away. the sone then says to the father i thought you had cancer. the father replies i do but i dont want the likes of him sleeping with your mother

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s_x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

I thought this one was funny! The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about s_x. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison. And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again." Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!

Q: Why do <enter nationality here> close their eyes during s_x? A: They can't stand seeing a man having a good time.

This morning as I was b___toning my shirt, a b___ton fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to pee.

Last night I picked up a hooker. I went down on her and it was f*cking disgusting! There was chunks of food, and corn..it was horrible! I asked her if she was sick or something! She "No, but the guy before you was"!

Did you hear about the Michael Jackson sale at K-mart? Boys pants half off.

What does Michael jackson like about twenty-eight year old boys? There's twenty of them!

LOL I love the michael jackson one!

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out." "Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old. "No, not really I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and have a movement every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00."

A blonde was shopping and came across a silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. “That’s a Thermos,” the clerk said. “It keeps some things hot and some things cold.” “Wow,” said the blonde. “That’s amazing. I’m going to buy it!” So she bought the Thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. “What do you have there?” he asked. “Why, that’s a Thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” she replied. Her boss inquired, “What do you have in it?” The blond replied, “Two popsicles and some coffee.”

I'm blonde, so I collect them. One of my favorites: This blonde always wanted to ride a horse, but she wasn't very brave. But one day she gets up the nerve to try. She climbs up into the saddle, and the horse starts to move kind of slowly. She's okay for a minute, so she kicks the horse to make it go faster. It speeds up, and the blonde thinks,"this is fun!" So she kicks the horse again. It starts going faster, and faster, and faster. By now the blonde is hanging on for dear life, screaming at the top of her lungs for help. She starts praying to God to save her, and apologizing for all the wrongs she might have done in her life. She starts slipping out of the saddle, the ground is getting closer and closer, it looks like the end of this blonde when....the Walmart greeter runs out and shuts the horse off!

A blonde, a red head, and a brunette are talking about their night out the next morning. The brunette says, "I think I'm going to have a baby!" The other two say, "Ohhh, how come?" She says, "I had s_x last night!" The redhead says, "Then I'm going to have twins!" The other two say, "Ohhh, why?" She says, "Because I did it twice last night!" The blonde looks really worried at this, and the other two ask her whats wrong. She says, "I'm going to have puppies!"