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Well maybe things just aren't working right now. That's OK!

Mhm, we'll see how things turn out.

I know exactly what you're saying Amanda. Like we talked about on myspace a while back, its all about doing whats best for all 3 of you. Sounds like you really care for Harold as a person so of course you want him to be with someone who'll make him happy. You're a very good person for lookng at it at every possible way, I wish you guys the best and hope everything works out ok!

This sucks. I saw him for about a half an hour today and I kept wanting to hug him, kiss him, and tell him I didn't mean any of it. Not because that's true, I just felt like I needed to do something to make him feel better. Things aren't going very well without his help and it's only been a day. The laundry isn't done, the beds aren't made, I've only eaten a half of a sandwich today, there are clothes all over the floor and I didn't get a single minute of homework done today. I can come on the computer because it's easy to BF and be on a laptop at the same time... but I can't do laundry, homework, or pick stuff up while I am. I'm so exhausted, I feel like I'm just going to burst into tears. I had to take her to the grocery store with me today, my arms practically fell off trying to carry her and pick stuff out, or push the cart at once. Not only that, but she didn't sleep a wink last night. She maybe had 2 hours of sleep and I got none because I was trying to catch up on my chores. Ugh. I'm just having such a tough time and it's only been one day :(

Thank all of you for your support, by the way.

amanda if i may throw somthing out there for you two....I know you said relationship councling, but i am going to asume you meant like couples councling or like marriage councling, but anyways This is somthing that dh and I are going to do.Instead of doing marriage councling we are going to do relationship councling, the cla__s is done by the same guy who does the marriage councling, and relationship C is for friends, siblings, family members who arent getting along. The guy who does the cla__s flat out told us the if we are both as stubborn as we say (which we are) then marriage councling isnt going to help it will prob just lead to our divorce. He said do the relationship C because it will teach up more how to compremise with each other, and then in the end if we do go our seperate ways it will teach us how to be civil and maintain a friendship for our boys.....if thats what you already had planned, my bad. but if not consider that because the way the guy broke it down for me sounded very logical to me

Hm, I didn't know there was a difference between the two. I was thinking about going to the same psychologist I went to for family counseling. She's a bit expensive and at first I didn't like her, but everything she told me turned out to be right so she must know what she's doing. I dunno, I'm really confused... We both seem to be A LOT more attracted to each other when we're broken up... but when we're together it's a lot of bickering about nonsense. I got to thinking about it, and I just go crazy at a certain point in my relationships (it happened with my last boyfriend) All the sudden I just get so annoyed by them for no reason. So I'd like it if she could tell me wtf is up with that... And Harold wants to go because he thinks it's his fault due to our rocky past (When I first met him he was a meth addict, suicidal and had violent tendencies... as you can tell just from that one conversation, he did a complete turn around), he believes that subconsciously I haven't forgiven him and that's why I'm so irritated with him. So he wants to know how he can make up for it... But I'm really not upset about it anymore *shrugs* We're just looking for answers.

geez i wish i hadn't made the one up post. i'm not calling anyone else that. just for future references. amanda: ((((((((HUGS!!!)))))))) (i might have an extra arm on the right there) i'm so sorry. you never know. if you guys spend some time apart, you may find that you two really can't be without each other. but whatever happens, i hope you're alright.

Hey good luck I think it's a really good idea to take counseling!!

Thank you. I'll keep you guys updated.

i'm always on msn if you wanna chat.

Hey Amanda, I'm so sorry I missed all of this, and sorry you're going through this. I'm so happy to hear that no one is being rash and pushing anything beyond repair, and you guys are going into counseling. Here is what I will suggest to you: From reading certain updates, it sounds like you really are trying to blame everything on your fear of doing this alone, but really your all over the place in how you feel. When that kind of stuff happens, then yes, Ellie is going to be so much harder to deal with because she senses you are in turmoil. Here is what I would suggest, do not make any huge moves within the next 6 months or until Ellie is one. Not saying to lead Harold on or anything, but just kind of be careful because your hormones aren't completely normal yet, and just because you didn't have ppd right after having Ellie doesn't mean you can't get it when she's 3 months old. It really can hit late, and you may want to wait and see if maybe this could be whats happening. You do sound like you are going into a depression, and it sounds like it's not starting with Harold. I'm not saying I have all the answers, but I'm just giving you something to think about because you are at a very fragile time and I've just picked up on some "all over the place" emotional ups and downs, and this thread is sending up a red flag for me. I experienced bad ppd and it really slides under the radar, sometimes you feel so strongly that you are incontrol, but months later you look back and it's as clear as day that you weren't.

I know I get the 'baby blues' pretty often. I get to a point where I feel like I'm going to collapse and that's always the time she decides she's going to be fussy. Usually I could just hand her to Harold for a little while, walk away and gather my patience ad everything would be fine. I'm not really sure what categorizes postpartum depression. I thought it was when you started having thoughts of harming yourself/your baby or having regrets, feeling like you can't do it etc. I get a combination of frustration and exhaustion when I can't have a break. Plus all the stuff with Harold, it's overwhelming. If you think I should get checked out for ppd then I will, it's certainly not something I take lightly. I took the test over the phone about 3 or 4 weeks ago and the nurse said I sounded like I had a bit of the baby blues which something like 80% of women have postpartum. I have her number, she told me to call if I feel worse.

Well from what doctors and online reading tells me is that baby blues is supposed to be short lived, in the beginning, and is pretty basic. You know those feelings like oh my god I'm a mom, I can't do this, I'm not doing a good job (with tears), my life is over. Ppd doesn't necessarily have to go as far as wanting to harm your baby, it can though and that's why healthcare providers are taking it so serious nowadays. But it's can be just not feeling like yourself further than just right after you have your baby, to being down, to being depressed from being so overwhelmed, the depression from being overwhelmed and worn down can lead to feelings of uncertainty and confusion-emotional meltdown, if not cared for the pressure can mount to more and more serious stuff. The fact that you are so overwhelmed, and I can tell in your different posts that you go from being in a great mood, to being down and uncertain about the job you're doing, about Harold, about others, etc. etc. Now you sound sooo overwhelmed, lost, on top of that the pressure is mounting because you've pushed Harold away, the baby's getting fussy, it's getting harder for you to do your everyday routine. Each one of those things is going to lead to your getting more down, and more down, and more things will suffer, so you'll get more down. Finally when you've hit the bottom where you can't handle things anymore-that's when a lot of women have thoughts of harming their baby. I'll be honest, and if anyone hateful wants to say I'm a bad mom for it, then whatever! I had thoughts of harming my son in the first 6 months of his life. I mean with what I told you happened with his conception, the harra__sment from his father, the pressure on the court, I had thoughts that they were going to take him from me and he'd end up with his father and suffer his whole life and it'd be my fault so him not being here would be saving him. I had selfish thoughts in my moments of despair-that if I had just gave him up or had an abortion then I wouldn't have to keep being tortured on top of being physically beat down caring for a baby. I was freaked that with this child I was always going to be a target for his father. This doesn't mean that I hurt him, but it's just scary when you look at your child that you love and think that-it's so confusing because I REALLY LOVED HIM! I am REALLY protective of him, but another part of me had that little voice floating around. Now that I look back on it, I can see how it got that far, I can see remember when I was more like how you are sounding and how it got from there-I had no help and all this pressure and problems, and some of them I created from just being a little freaked out! I'm not saying run to get help, but keep help close by to talk to and maybe evaluate things every now and again, and as for Harold, don't allow yourself to make any big decisions until you are calmer and can be certain you are in the right frame of mind. If you need to talk, you know where to find me. And if things get overwhelming, really talk it out! If I have to give you my number and you call me at 1 in the morning with a crying baby in the background, then that's what will happen-we can't have you going through that downward spiral (if that's what it is).

amanda: even if it gets to where you feel like you need to hand the baby to someone because she's crying, just put her in her crib for a little while. she'll be fine if she's crying and you need to give yourself a break every once in a while. don't try to put everything on your shoulders. you're doing a fine job as a mom and we all know you're strong so make sure to take care of yourself above all.

Thank you for your concern V. I'll keep a close watch. I still feel happy, like when I'm playing with her and she's smiling I still feel that amazing "OMGGG I LOVE THIS KID SO MUCH!!!" feeling. I was already telling Harold I wish I could take a break from her and just go out for coffee or something and not have to be like "Where is she? Is she hungry? What's going on? Is she hurt? Does she need anything?" I've never spent more than two hours away from her when she was born. And those two hours that I did was when I needed to go to urgent care and didn't want her to be around sick people.... and it was a nightmare for Harold while I was gone, and a nightmare for me when I got back. So I'm not planning on doing that again anytime soon. Now I feel like I still need a break, only twice as much as I used to. It's normal to want to get away, right? Teddy-- I do put her in her crib when I can but for the most part I just feel awful doing it. When I come back her face is all purple and sometimes she's bleeding from scratching herself (after taking her mittens off) I only do it when there's something that can't wait. Like I feel like I'm going to pee my pants or something. Yesterday I resorted to letting her watch TV. She loved it for 20 minutes and so did I... But I felt guilty again because my parenting teacher was saying TV before the age of 2 promotes hyperactivity, and I have this little tick that makes me feel awful doing something I know isn't the best thing for her. Operation perfect mother isn't going as well as I'd hoped, now.