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Thank you for your concern V. I'll keep a close watch. I still feel happy, like when I'm playing with her and she's smiling I still feel that amazing "OMGGG I LOVE THIS KID SO MUCH!!!" feeling. I was already telling Harold I wish I could take a break from her and just go out for coffee or something and not have to be like "Where is she? Is she hungry? What's going on? Is she hurt? Does she need anything?" I've never spent more than two hours away from her when she was born. And those two hours that I did was when I needed to go to urgent care and didn't want her to be around sick people.... and it was a nightmare for Harold while I was gone, and a nightmare for me when I got back. So I'm not planning on doing that again anytime soon. Now I feel like I still need a break, only twice as much as I used to. It's normal to want to get away, right? Teddy-- I do put her in her crib when I can but for the most part I just feel awful doing it. When I come back her face is all purple and sometimes she's bleeding from scratching herself (after taking her mittens off) I only do it when there's something that can't wait. Like I feel like I'm going to pee my pants or something. Yesterday I resorted to letting her watch TV. She loved it for 20 minutes and so did I... But I felt guilty again because my parenting teacher was saying TV before the age of 2 promotes hyperactivity, and I have this little tick that makes me feel awful doing something I know isn't the best thing for her. Operation perfect mother isn't going as well as I'd hoped, now.

Amanda i know it is hard taking the baby on 24/7 but it is just going to take some getting use to. before you know it all the things you are saying are so hard now, will come so easy and you prob wont even notice, how easy it has become. But seriously when you talk to harold dont tell him what a hard time you have somtimes, it makes him feel like you need him so he wont try as hard to make things work on his end.....I dont care if he is the nicest guy in the world, he is a guy and he will do that. I really dont think they mean to i think it is all mental

I really don't want to play any games. If it works it works, if it doesn't it doesn't and I'm going to remain honest and blunt through the whole thing. If he doesn't feel the need to work at it, or he works his b___t off to is up to him. I was the one who packed his bags, so I'm not going to be upset if he gives up.

10 year old???

Oh no I wasn't offended. I'm sorry you guys are having problems. Anyway about an hour ago he told me he wanted to give up. We got into an argument about his "music career", and I suppose it seems silly when I sum it up... But he's the type of guy who thinks his band can make it (he's not very good) and I was just telling him that I didn't want to have a famous husband ... it's just not a lifestyle I'm willing to be a part of. And I would rather he got a normal job.... Famous people are crazy, just look at Britney Spears...Anyway, so he got mad and basically picked his band over me and said "Just know that you have destroyed every ounce of desire for you and I to be together." So much for that speech the other night.....

Wow, i cant believe he said that. I know Ryan would give up his racing career for his family any day i asked. Which i wouldnt because as hectic and stressful as it is, he was doing it long before we met. I knew what i was getting into and its his dream.

He started his band like 2 years ago and our 4 year anniversary is on Friday. I don't want to sound unkind but they've always sucked. Like really, really bad.... I didn't tell him that though, I figured he likes doing it so why would I say anything? Anyway about a month into it he started getting obsessed with it, and he'd b__w me off to go play with his band. If it was a hobby that would be one thing... But he's talking about it like a career. I've never wanted to be a part of a famous life, I love my privacy and I hate to travel. It's not like I was forcing him so choose or anything, I was just stating that I wouldn't want to be a part of it if he made it, and I'd hoped he'd get like... a job if he didn't. Anyway he promised me he'd come over yesterday so we could talk about our relationship that he supposedly cared so much about. He ended up b__wing me off to play with his band and I tried to be nice about it. But then he said I was "holding him back" from becoming a better singer, and he wanted me to back off.... I told him I needed help with Ellie and I didn't want to be at home taking care of her by myself while he's playing his music all the time. So that was yesterday and he brought it up again. And that's where it all started...

Not all famous people are crazy. Ive met quite a few and some are actually very down to Earth. Though if they suck as bad as you say, i dont think you have to worry about it, lol. It definately poses a problem if hes devoting all his time to his "career" and not family. Like i posted before that was a huge problem between me n Ryan. He was out woring on the race cars from the minute he got off work until 11-12 at night. Is this like a new thing with him? I mean the b__wing you guys off for the band thing? Ive never noticed you mentioning it before.

*working

Amanda, if you even still care, you should still push for counseling, because that little scene he made sounds like a show. It didn't make any sense. Could it be that he is using something petty to mask bigger issues or the fact that maybe he's dealing with some issues of his own???

Newbaby-- It is a fairly new thing. I mean I supported him having a HOBBY, so I let him play all the time. This is the first time he's ever been like "I'm going to b__w you off more now, even though you've been working your b___t off to give me TIME to play." I wasn't suggesting that all famous people are crazy. I've met several of them. But, they are all faced with the same challenges and, like I said Harold has a history of not being able to deal with things... and I don't want to have to. I'm not trying to keep him from his dreams, I'd be happy for him if he made it, I just wouldn't be a part of it. He should do what makes him happy, and so should I. Them sucking might even be worse than them being good. He thinks his band can REALLY make it. So if it continues, he's going to be jobless just working on his music for the rest of his life... I'm picturing myself coming home from 2 jobs while he's on the couch with his guitar, still in pajamas. Ugh. V, you are absolutely right. Maybe 20 minutes after I had posted that he sent me a text message saying he was going to come over because he thought he was going to kill himself. He came over and was laughing about how he was planning on starving himself to death, saying to Ellie "I'd be so skinny you could see all my organs...haha, isn't that funny?" So I made him dinner and Isaac came over saying they needed to leave because he had midterms to do... But he didn't go which is really weird because literally an hour after Ellie was BORN he went to school because he had a midterm. Then he was acting like everything was okay just talking to me like he always has... And he said he was sorry and he wants to try counseling again. I was like "alright I'm willing to try it but the next time you change your mind I'm not going to go through it again, and you need to stop drowning in your low self esteem and start working toward bettering our relationship, because it's never gonna happen if you keep acting like this..."

I know what you're saying Amanda. Its not easy. I mean i had to put all my hopes and dreams aside so we could be an actual family. Do you think maybe the other "band members" have anything to do with it? Could they be telling him the band is more important? I dont know how influenced Harold is by what others say/think.

The silly thing is, he doesn't even like the people in his band.... He's not friends with them or anything. So I don't think he'd really care what they said or thought. That being said I don't think they would say anything against me anyways because they all like me, and have girlfriends of their own they want to hang out with too, so they understand.

I would deffinatly go for some counsling.maybe if he hears it from a un involved third party it will open his eyes a little. He cant say that you are holding him back from being a better singer (especially if he already sucks lol jk) you guys have a baby, and the baby should be the first thing on his mind not you. Sorry but it should be and you will probably agree. getting a real job would be part of putting his daughter first...It would be putting his family first. Sounds to me like it isnt just you that needs space. He obviously thinks his band can make it big, and he is apearently making his band top priority over his family. I think all the argueing is going to make things worse. Maybe you guys should let things settle how it is until you guys get into counseling.

newbaby..lol sorry type-o I meant 19 year old niece...she is our nieceby marriage and also a sil cause her sister adopted her when she was like 10 or 12

He does have a third party telling him things... his sister was the one who "made [him] realize" I was holding him back. It's so stupid. He was over today and to help me out, but he didn't do a d__n thing. We went out to eat and I asked him to hold her while I got dressed because she was being fussy, and he was already dressed... He told me no! I said "Is there something you need to do?" And he said no... And made me get dressed while holding her with one arm. Then I accidentally cut her with the nail clipper today and that always makes me feel really bad... He called me a child abuser! Then when we were eating our waiter was hitting on me, and he got really upset and started like hugging and kissing me I'm like wtf I'm trying to eat. Then after that I needed to go get bras since all of mine are too small from b___stfeeding... He gave me this huge sigh when I went out to get them and made me take her in the dressing room with me while he wandered off somewhere. When I was done I was looking everywhere for him, and I found him at the jewelry part of the store and he asked me to try on those little sample ring sizes to see what size I was on my ring finger... I'm guessing because my "old" engagement ring was always too big for me (swollen pregnancy fingers) and it needed to be resized. Then we came home and Ellie was asleep... I asked him what was up with him acting so weird and he didn't answer. I asked if we wanted to talk to me and he said no. So I went in the kitchen to carve pumpkins with my sister and when I got back he was gone. He just got up and left randomly... He is acting SO freaking WIERD this is not like him at all. It's driving me crazy! If you're gonna be there, be there, if you're not, you're not. Don't play stupid gams! Ugh!!