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Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.Lady 1: What's that? Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Lady 1: Where did you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarra__sed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers."Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

LMAO! Thanks for that. :-)

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton b___s and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she."

A couple in their 80's are talking in bed. The man asks his wife if she's ever been unfaithful to him. She answers yes, three times. The man is shocked and demands to know when. "The first time," she says, "was when you needed all that dental work and we couldn't afford to pay the dentist. I had s_x with him and he gave us a huge discount on your dental work." The man, calming down a little bit, says, "And the other times?" "The second time was when you wanted to buy the house and we couldn't get a loan." "That's not so bad, then," he says, "And the third time?" "Remember when you were running for mayor and you needed 300 more votes to get elected?"

A man is at the hospital, at his wife's bedside. "We don't know if she'll ever come out of this coma," the doctor says. "Isn't there anything we could try?" the man asks, desperate to help his wife. "Well," the doctor says, "I don't know if you'd feel comfortable trying this, but the other day when one of the nurses was giving her a sponge bath she noticed some reaction when she was washing your wife's genitals. So if you try oral s_x, it might wake your wife up." "Here?" asks the man. "It doesn't seem appropriate." "It's the only thing left to try, really," says the doctor. "We'll close the door and give you some privacy." So the doctor and the nurses go out and close the door. A couple of minutes later an alarm goes off at the nurses' station; the woman has flatlined. The doctor rushes in and finds the man hastily zipping up. "What happened?" he asks. "I don't know," the husband says, "I think she choked!"

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her cla__s that in Spanish, > Unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' 'Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.'' A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?'' Instead of giving The answer, the teacher split the cla__s into two groups, male and >female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of The feminine gender (''la computadora''), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spendinghalf your paycheck on accessories for it. (THIS GETS BETTER!) The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (''el computador''), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time theyARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish.They are all at Heavens Gate waiting to get past St. Peter. He asks Sister Karen, "Have you had contact with a p___s?" The nun giggles and says, "Well once I touched the head of one."....St Peter says, "OK dip your finger in the Holy water and pa__s though the gates." St. Peter asked the next nun Sister Elizabeth, "Have you had contact with a p___s?" Reluctant she replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St Peter says, "OK ,dip your hand in the Holy water and pa__s through the gates." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns...One nun is pushing her way to the front. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Sister,Sister what seems to be the rush???" The nun replies," If I have to gargle that Holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary washes her a__s in it!"

A man and his friend were bow hunting deer in rural Kentucky near a black top highway. A huge buck walks by and the hunter carefully draws to full draw and takes careful aim. Before he can release his arrow, his friend alerts him to a funeral procession pa__sing on the road below their stand. The hunter slowly lets off the pressure on his bow, takes off his hat, bows his head and closes his eyes in prayer. His friend remarks, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing that I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known." The hunter shrugs......"Yeah, well we were married for 35 years."

One of my favorites.....: A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again".

one night a man brings home a deer and his wife makes the family venison for dinner, during dinner the son asks dad what are we having and man says we are having what your mother calls me then the daughter squeals in disgust ewwwwwwwww were having a**hole

I like that tampon one!

Are you feeling better???

How do you make a kleenex dance?...........Put a boogie in it!

Hehehe! Yes Shelly, I'm much less gloomy now. Thanks everyone for giving me a good laugh. I'm still tired and fat, but at least I'm smiling.:-)