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I wanted to thank you Cate and Beth again, for your kind words. This forum has really been helpful to me (and I'm not really a "self-help" kind of gal). I think now that miscarriage is actually such a heavy, heavy thing that many people can't even really talk about it openly. There is a weird sense of shame about it, isn't it? Like we failed, somehow. In our society of goal-oriented, perfectionists, perhaps that's why we don't give miscarriage the time and consideration it warrents. I read an story about the Japanese and how they have this whole elaborate funeral ritual for miscarried babies (even if, like in my case, the baby is only 6 weeks). Anyway, I'm going on and on. I"m actually feeling really c___ppy now. Had to take some pain killers cos it got really hard this evening (way worse than any period). I go in to see if numbers went down tomorrow. I may not make it in if the pain stays like this, though. Cate, please let us know how you're doing. Sound like so far so good, eh?

i also felt like a failure when I had my miscarriage. It really blindsighted me. I had a conversation w/ my dr. yesterday and even she said that w/ all of the possibilities of things that could go wrong, the birth of a healthy child is such a miracle. we just have such a tendancy to take it all for granted in our society. I know I did. It's especially typical for those of us who have "type A" personalities.If we find that something is out of our control we just don't handle it well. Tara - hopefully you can start to get some closer today. Cristina- I think we were posting at the same time yesterday. yours went in before I submitted mine. For what it's worth, I don't think you should be to alarmed at this point. It is natural to worry even in the healthiest of pregnancies. however,i wouldn't be afraid to ask your Dr. to do a series of hcg's to make sure the levels are rising normally. This might be able to give you some comfort befoe your next u/s.good luck!

CATE: I've been thinking about you, if you're out there, please let us know how you're doing. Sending you baby dust, and light rays.

Hi, there. Tara: hope you are doing all right. I've been thinking about you! This is such a difficult time. I can completely relate to those feelings of failure/shame...and thinking over and over of everything I did that might not have been perfect as a pregnant woman (caffeine, stress, what I ate, etc)...but we know in our heads that those are NOT logical thoughts, right? It is so difficult to live in a society that places such little value on what we've all been through, and barely takes a pause as we grieve. And expects us to do the same. Beth, I've always thought the same thing as your dr. said...it's truly amazing when you think about it. Just know you are both in my thoughts. Cristina, if you're reading...let us know how you are! I'm OK...not sure how to feel. At this point...I have not had any spotting or anything...but don't really have any pregnancy symptoms either. My b___sts aren't even sore....so that seems weird. My dr. isn't doing any more hcg level testing...so I wait for my first ob appt. Feb. 10th unless something happens before that. I just don't know what to think. I still think I started off SO low (hcg levels)...and now no pregnancy symptoms. It's sad to be pregnant and not feel happy and optimistic...I just don't know what to do or feel. Both of my prior miscarriages were "missed miscarriages" so I didn't really have any bleeding...they were complete shocks. SO, I feel like maybe I won't know if something happens...b/c before when I miscarried I didn't really bleed or have any other signs. Tara, like you I had really prepared myself after those initial hcg levels that this pregnancy would be loss #3 and I was SURE it was not taking. Now, I just don't know. I'm not letting myself feel to hopeful. I've only told my immediate family and a couple close friends...and even my mom won't speak of it/act like I'm pregnant...like she expects I will miscarry. I just feel very in limbo...and it's frustrating to have no way to KNOW if things are OK.... I feel very out of control. Sorry to ramble on.... I appreciate having this forum also. It has been very helpful and I appreciate both of you so much. I hope you will stay in touch! 

WOW...I just read my post and I really did ramble terribly..sorry! Thanks for reading it...if you were able to hang in there to the end...ha.

Thanks for checking in, Cate: My heart goes out to you, I know the feeling of waiting (even one day can feel like forever)..let alone until Feb. Can't you just call your OBGYN and tell him/her that your anxiety level is too high (what with the two miscarriages) and that you need an ultrasound? If that's not possible, you can demand an Hcg (even self pay, if dc. says it's not covered)? Feb. 10th. would be too long for me...but then again, if you are able to remain relaxed and hopeful and spend qualtiy time with your baby right now...maybe it's worth it. Keep us posted.

Thanks for what you said....and I agree with you. Although my body decided before I made that call. I actually started spotting just a little today. It is basically when I wipe. I just letf a message with the nurse at my OBs office. Waiting for her to call back...and hoping she'll schedule an u/s. I did have spotting for three weeks straight right at this time with my son...so I'm trying to be hopeful...but prepared. Thanks again for your post!

Cate: You know spotting is pretty normal, hang in there, and keep us posted. As for me, last HCg numbers were 1400 (but I bled a lot the last week) and today we got full confirmation..the numbers down to 180. So, that's that. I did have this fantastic fantasy that I was one of those mircle cases where nothing shows up on ultrasound...and the numbers seem too low, and there's bleeding, and low and behold, there's the little heartbeat on an ultrasound. Hopefully that will be you, Cate...let's all pray it's so. As for me, I'm sort of unsure what to do next. My husband has been really irritable this time, the grief is pretty intense, and it's hard to look ahead. We may need to go see a specialist because I'm not sure I can go through this again without SOME sort of close attention and special support. I need to know if there's somethign preventable that's caused these, and I don't accept it just being "age." So keep me posted...be well.

Cate- if I were you, I wouldn't just "hope an ultrasound" is scheduled....just call her today and tell you are requesting one ASAP..that you're spotting and need to know tomorrow because you're stress level is raising and it's not healty for you or the baby.

Cate- you shouldn't have to sit around waiting. if your dr. isn't willing to give you an u/s at this point then I would request a second opinion. Try to see if you can obtain a dr. who specializes in high risk pregnancies. it is just not fair to make you wait. tara - you and your husband both need time to heal. the desire to have a baby can be very overwhelming. I urge you to speak to a high risk specialist as well. Maybe someone who can give you alternatives and treatment. There are some great dr.'s out there.When you guys gain some strength back hopefully you will locate a good one. As for me, my husband and I are taking a much needed vacation. We've decided to start trying again when we return. The thought already makes me nervous.......my thoughts are w/ you all.

Thanks to both of you...and i agree. I did get an u/s scheduled....not until Friday....but I can wait (I think). However, I did get a blood test yesterday...and am not feelig very good about the number. It was 9,000....and I was 6 wks, 3 days. BUT, since the monday before was 1917...that is not doubling every two days. The nurse said the doubling is every two-three days...and that is BARELY making the three days. I just think this will go on until I'm like 10 weeks...then the miscarriage. I'm like you, tara....I have not felt like this pregnancy was going to be OK since that first set of hcgs. That is when I was hit the hardest...I just want something to happen. Either KNOW (as best I could) that things are OK (which I DON"T expect) or...be done. How do you guys think you would feel about 9000 at 6+ weeks? I am hoping the u/s will give me a good idea, I really don't think I can do this again (another pregnancy after this). I have a five and three year old...and so deperately want one more...but am thinking maybe I need to thankful and grateful...and focus on them. I don't know. The u/s is Friday at 1:15...I'll keep you posted. Beth---enjoy the vacation. That's great . What we all need! I agree, Tara, you should look into a specialist...someone who will give you close care, answer all your questions, etc.. I would do that again next time also! I had severe preclampsia with my son...he was born early at just 3lbs 11 oz...with that and two miscarriages I think I should have also. My dr. treats me no different at this point. Both of you, hang in there. Thanks for your continued support!

Dear Cate: Thanks for keeping us posted. Hey, listen, now...if it were me and the number was 9000, in and of itself, I would be pretty hopeful. The range at 6 weeks is about 1080-56,500, so your number is fine. Remember, the next time it doubles you'll be at 18,000 and a few days after that, 28,000, and then 56,000 which is at the top of normal range into your 7th week (where the range is 7,750-229,000)...think of the gla__s half full, not empty. Once you get into the double digets, those number soar pretty quickly, so I would just relax, take a deep breath, and stay on the postive side. If you're numbers were like mine, in the 1400 range, well...then, I'd say you have some worry (although, again, my husband, who happens to be a doctor, was not all that discouraged). We are just so scared because we've already bonded with this being inside...it's like from the moment the pregnacy test is postive, something happens and we go into overprotective mode, no? Friday will come when it does, but in the mean time, I would really just enjoy some qualtiy time w/your baby, if you can. I think with those numbers, you can be sure that your little one is progressing just fine. If something does happen at 10 weeks (God forbid), then, it happens then, but right now, I would be optomistic, if you can, and try to remain peaceful and calm (easier said than done, I know). I'll be thinking about you, let us know,,,,{BIG HUG}

I can't even tell you how good that was to read. Thank you. I have myself so convinced things are not going to work out..I'm not enjoying myself or this baby even a little bit. No quality time. That can't be good. And, if this pregnancy is successful...it is my last. I hate that I could spend my last pregnancy like this. And, like you said, if God forbid something happens, then I'll deal...but enjoy and be optimistic at this point. I guess it's just a protective mode...not allowing myself to become overly attached or optimistic after what i've been through...twice. I know you can relate. My tests have been mixed...and obvioulsy it's been "safer" to think the worse...not setting myself up to really believe that this baby is going to join our family. It felt really good to hear what you had to say about my number (9000). I think I did needed that. I hope to have some answers tomorrow, good or bad. The thing that bothers me the most is with both of my last pregnancies (miscarriages) I had an u/s at this point and they told me all was fine.... I'll keep you posted and thank you again, more than I can say. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers! THANK YOU.

Cate- to me, 9000 hcg's sounds promising. Don't loose hope. I wish you the best tomorrow, Cate. I will be flying out but i'll be thinking of ya.

Thank you, Beth! I appreciate that. Have a wonderful and much deserved vacation!! Enjoy!! Relax...and work on healing.

Cate: I'ts Friday, and I've been wondering about you....hope all is well. As for me, it seems I'm ovulating now, already. I've such mixed feeling about it...part of me wants to immediatly try again, the other is just so shut down and upset...I feel like I could just scream. Every part of me wants to try again, but I'm just so spent, I don't know if I can do it. And the worst part is that I don't feel very connected to my husband, is if there's so much still unsaid and unprocessed. Beth, I understand the notion of taking a vacation, both a physical and emotion one...but all I hear is "tick-tock, tick tock..." I still have trouble seeing other pregnant woman in the street, or mother's with new babies. Of course, I'm happy for them, but the envy is intense..and then I start to get down on myself for having such selfish thoughts. Anyway, it's been nice having this little support group of 3.....hope everyone is okay.