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MY DAUGHTER IS FIVE NOW. THIS PAST YEAR IS THE FIRST YEAR I'M STARTING TO FEEL LIKE MYSELF. I HAD POSTPARTUM SO BAD. I HAD THIS FOGGY HEADED FEELING. I FELT LIKE MY HUSBAND WAS BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME. I WANTED TO RUN AWAY AND NOT TELL ANYONE. I WANTED TO DIE. I WAS SO NERVOUS, PARANOID, ANGRY. I WAS SO TIRED I FELT SICK. I WOULD HIT MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL, SCRATCH MY ARMS. SOMETIMES I WISHED MY DAUGHTER WOULD NOT WAKE UP. AND I WOULD THINK "OH WELL". I WISHED I HAD NEVER HAD HER. I WAS MAD THAT I DID THIS TO MYSELF. I DIDN'T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW I WAS FEELING THIS WAY. CAUSE I KNEW THEY WOULD PUT ME AWAY IN A HOSPITAL. I WAS SCARED. I FELT LIKE I WAS GOING CRAZY. EVERY TIME I ASKED WHY BEING A MOM WAS SO HARD. EVERYONE WOULD SAY" YOU JUST DO IT" OR " THIS IS WHAT YOU ASKED FOR" I FELT EVEN WORSE ABOUT MYSELF. NOBODY SAW MY PAIN. IT WAS HELL. I TRIED SO HARD TO HANG ON. TO GET THROUGH THIS PERIOD OF MY LIFE. THERE WAS A CELEBRITY ON T.V. THAT SAID SHE HAD POSTPARTUM. THAT'S HOW I KNEW I HAD IT. THIS IS A SMALL PART OF MY STORY. HOPE IT HELPS.

Hi, I had postpartum OCD so bad with my first baby 16 years ago, I am afraid it will happen again this time, however this time, I am under psychiatric care so I do have support and help. There is no shame in talking with someone.. I hope you can talk to your doctor and he or she can help you. No one is going to take your baby from you as so many women are worried about and therefore suffer in silence, they will treat your chemical imbalance and help you with talk therapy. It is a horrible thing to go through but there is definitely help for it. Lots of luck xoxo

I totally know what you are going through. Thank God I found this site. Now I know I'm not crazy. I have always had OCD, but not very bad, and usually my obsessions were with numbers and counting, nothing major. About 4 months after having my baby( he is 1now) I started having the intrusive thoughts. Like you said, they just POP into your head. I will pick up a knife to cut carrots or something and all of a sudden I'll just think"what if I ___". I know I wouldn't hurt him, I don't hear voices or any of that, but like you, I'm tired of these thoughts. Lately, I've been obsessing about someone else hurting him. I've found it gets worse the more crime shows I watch or the news-it just gives me more things to obsess about. I didn't have any other cla__sic symptoms of PPD, that's why I had no clue what was going on.

I just recently found info on postpartum OCD. I am almost releaved to hear the story of others. All of these HORRIFING images keep popping into my head and I have such a hard time keeping them at bay. I only get a break from the images when I am obsessing over SIDS. I have a history of depression and my DR. wanted me to take Prozac which I was avoiding. I have secided to begin it again. I love my daughter so much and want to be there 100% for her. I just read an MD's blog regarding OCD and it state that mothers w/OCD do not act on thier compulsions. I know that gave me some piece of mind

ocd isn't about horrifying images. its about repet_tion.

PPOCD is in fact about having horrible images about harming your baby enter your thoughts unwanted. One may or may not have repet_tive compulsions in an effort to control or stop the images. The best thing to do is let them enter one ear and flow out of the other in an attempt to give them as little power as possible. Remind yourself that you would never harm your baby and that the intrusive thoughts are irrational- a result of the many hormonal changes your body goes through. Seek therapy with someone who specializes in PPOCD. It will really help you. Remember that you are not crazy, no one will take your baby, you will not be put in a hospital, you are a good mother!

It's important to note that as an OCD sufferer, you are no more likely to hurt your baby than a person who suffers from contamination OCD is likely to die because he didn't wash his hands 50 times before sitting down to eat dinner. I have suffered from OCD since the age of 10 (29 years now). I have three children, ages 20, 15 and 13. Two of my three children have OCD. All of us have been successfully treated with a combination of OCD medications and exposure and cognitive therapy. I dealt with some degree of pre and postpartum OCD with each child. The first bout was so severe, I would describe it as soul-destroying and ident_ty-robbing. I mistakenly thought my fears defined me as a person. (What kind of monster can I be if I have these fears?) Now, I know the opposite is true. With this disorder, it's not unlikely to fear things that are least like you, simply because these things are most important to you. For instance, an OCDer who adores her cat might be consumed by fears of bringing harm to the cat, directly or indirectly. A deeply religious OCDer might be consumed by blasphemous thoughts because he fears they'll offend God. I'm sure you see the pattern here. There's a lot of good literature out there to help you. I recommend Jeffrey Schwartz's book Brain Lock for starters. Just remember you are not alone and that your fears aren't based on real threats. Good luck to you.

I am so glad to have found you. I suffered so badly from depression before and after my first child that he was an only child for 10 years. Recently, I've made significant lifestyle changes trying to combat the root causes of the depression (child hood abuse, rotten first marriage, etc.) and am in such a better place than I've ever been. I'm off antidepressants after 10 years on them. I can get out of the bed for the first time since... ? I remarried a wonderful man, got pregnant -new life. For the first time in my life, no depression to be found. Then about 1 month after my son was born (he's almost 5 months now) WHAM! It was like being hit by a flying projectile. I emotionally fell to the ground. What was that awful thought???? The panic and fear that that thought brought with it. " I really am a monster- I'm going to hurt him, my baby is going to be gone (!) and I'll be sent away and my husband will hate me and my life will be over and.. and... and...." it was awful. But what made it even worse, if that's possible, was the feeling (there's fear again) that I can't tell anyone.( It took me two tries before I could give my email address to this forum (irrational fear-what if "they" trace me through my address and come and take my baby?) They would take him away..........if I really would hurt him then I WANT them to take him away but I WON'T......will I ? Oh, God. This is horrible. And I didn't recognize it as anything because I thought that I knew depression so well.... I don't have overt OCD symptoms-I didn't know that my huge FEAR and WORRY were symptoms. I stopped watching the News years ago 'cause it stressed me so much. I do find myself doing minor repet_tive things to alleviate the fear, all the knives in the drawers face away from me etc.. And then I find you and other places and I realize that, although not healthy, this is "normal" and I'll be ok and most importantly, the baby will be ok. And if it gets to be too much, I CAN go get help. They will NOT take my child. Relief. Tears of relief.

I feel like someone gave me my life back.

I am a first time mom at age 28 of a beautiful 7 mth old healthy baby girl.i had a very challenging pregnancy.even though it was rough i never thought i would be diagnosed with ppd anxiety/ocd never. i read about other women who had it and were going through it and said sucks to be them,never thought it would be me until after the birth of my DD. I started with painfull tension headache for 1 month. i then went to the doc and she diagnosed me and went to a pdoc and told him to do everthing and i would be up for what he told me to do as long as he took this away and made me feel like normal me again. i have been on meds since begining of jan. I had my ugly days in the begining than about 3 weeks ago i swear i thought i was cured but than i started to get those thoughts lingering in and well i'm not cured obviously. i have to say that i believe it has to do with my period when i feel off but i don't know. i just need to know that after 7 months i thought i would be close to being cure or coming off this. don't get me wrong i don't feel like in the begining but i hope to god that this feelings go aweay for ever.

I just finished reading Brooke Shield's book about ppd and it made me realize that one of her symptoms was the only true common denominator between her and I. I've been disturbed by these thoughts for so long, but had no idea there was a name for it. My daughter is just now 13 months, but no one told me there are different forms of PPD! I don't know where or who to turn to for help yet, I live in Missouri, but at least I found out I'm not abnormal.

Hi ladies, I've been going through a really bad time since I miscarried in early March 2006. At the end of April 2006, I went on vacation with my family while my husband stayed home. While away, I experienced a sever panic attack, to the extent that I came hom from the trip early, to go to the emergency room. I had been dehydrated do to the severe diahrrea I was having (sorry TMI). Upon returning home I did not feel better, I continued to be severally anxious, thinking I'd need to be hospitalized in a mental hospital! I was so scared, I couldn't eat and lost 12 pounds, and would just lay around shaking all the time. I started seeing a psychiatrist, who has diagnosed me with a generalized anxiety disorder and depression, which could be similar to a PPD or PP/OCD? I never heard of this, has anyone else? I've been trying anti-depressents, the first of which had the adverse reaction for me, I'm on the second one now. I'm really upset though because its safe to concieve while taking these medications!!! And the Dr. says I will need to be on them for 6-9 months, I'm so devastated! Also since my miscarriage I've noticed the following, fairly bad acne all over my body which I did not have before, and alot stronger PMS symptoms, also not present before. Could I have a horomone imbalance after having a miscarriage? Thanks :) Stacie

I was diagnosed with Postpartum OCD about 4 monhts after having my child. I had a panic attack once because I convinced myself that I'd be a horrible mother someday and that I would hurt her. Those were actually my worst fears. I also did a lot of checking, counting, among other things. I started having obsessive thoughts about my husband and other family members that were just outrageous! I had cognitive behavioral therapy for 3 months, and that helped a lot. The thing that "cured" me was Lexapro--an SSRI. I suggest getting help and not feeling any guilt. OCD people are great; they're just a little different!

Hello A. I just read this whole thread. My daughter is 6 weeks old and I suffer from PPOCD. It sucks. I just wanted to know how are you doing lately? I am back on my antidepressants now and they help somewhat. I don't seem to have as many thoughts as I did after her birth. I hope it all goes away completely one day, because the anxiety and guilt you feel is very overwhelming.

Hi Mel, Sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time. I can now say that I'm doing better and my husband and I are thinking about concieving again. I understand how devastating this time can be. The thoughts the obsessions are all so horrible. I know I took comfort in knowing that I wasn't the only one out there going through something a terrible as this. I've been on a fairly steady dose of Lexapro and that along with therapy has been helping me. My husband and I are talking about trying to concieve again but I'm scared of more ppocd. Terrified of it actually. With me the ocd and anxiety seem to come and go in my life. I just have to keep in mind that it will go away, it just seems like it takes forever when your going through it. Hope your feeling better soon.

I want to thank you for all your stories i have found that talking to other people and listening to thier stories is the most helpfull strategy for healing the pain and fear of this disorder.I never even heard of this ppdocd befroe and so when it happend to me i was devistated, terrified,confused. my daughter was around 8 months old before i had my first major attack, i was in the kitchen and i saw a knife i thought oh my god what if i could hurt my duaghter what if i would hurt her. instant fear came over me i picked her up put her in the car and drove to my friends house as if i was trying to save her from me iwas freaking out.i thought what would make me thinki could hurt my own baby i must be absolutly crazy like those women who hurt thier kids.i was disgusted and terrified, i literally dropped my baby off at a friends and went to a walk in mental health clinic. they could'nt help me i told the lady everything( even though i ws scared they would call protective services)bu ti wa smore scared of my crazt thought .they basically told me to go home and get some sleep and followup with someone else ,and i did and noone could help me ,in search of help/answers i went to the book store and read all books on mental disorders nothing completely fit untill i found a book called "agost in my house" it was one of the best feelings in my life when i found out what i had because then i knew i could try to stop it.I know this ppocd is a horrible thing but it helps me to know im not alone andi hope it helps you to.my daughter is now 2 and though i still have episodes they are not as often, howevr they are still traumatic for me, i am considering meds but for now thanks for listening , only you women can understand and we can help eachother please keep wrighting, it helps me also to know that these are just tought but not reality and let them come and let them go you will be alright thank you