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Hello, h__lo--
This may be a long one, I hope you read through it all. A few months back; about 5, I met this amazing woman at a friends social gathering. We hit it off, and a few weeks later, started to date. Initially, I was supposed to be a one night stand, but she told me that she started to like me. We were dating for over a month before I found out she was pregnant. I was calm at first, being 28 and financially stable, I decided hey, this isn't a bad thing. Then, I found out that the same week she slept with me, she slept with 2 other guys, as well. I had asked her during our relationship if she slept with anyone else, and she said only one guy, but he used protection (the week prior to use starting to date). I know of the guy, and he never thought the kid could be his. I then found out she was sending naked photos to another individual, telling him happy birthday, and planning to meet up with him that week. I confronted her, and she told me that they were just friends, that she asked what he wanted to do and when he said to sleep with her, she told him never mind. Later, I find this conversation to cancel probably didn't take place.
Then I found out that she had slept with another individual without protection, and lied to me about it, she told me it was because she promised him she wouldn't tell anyone, and promises mattered to her. I was upset, as I work to be an honest person, and get a bit bothered when I'm lied to and I find out. I stayed with her after this.
I had a best friend of 5 years, female, that was livid and decided to take matters into her own hands, contacting my GF and telling her to abort, that she's just trying to trap me since I'm the best option, etc. During this online conversation, the GF informed her that she didn't care who she got pregnant by, that she just wanted to have a baby.
Shortly after, the best friend informed me that she was secretly in love with me and was waiting until I turned 30 to tell me, she didn't think I'd find someone, but when the GF got pregnant, she realized it. I told her that she waited too long, and that we could no longer talk to one another, as I wanted this to work with the GF who was having my potential baby. The same day I told the best friend that, the GF left me, telling me that I was going to leave her for the best friend, that I didn't like her (the GF), and I was a bad person for letting the best friend talk to her that way. I asked them numerous times not to talk to one another, but they had their online fights. At this point, I had just lost the best friend, and the GF.
She at one point told me adoption was an option, she was thinking about. At another point she said she hated me so much she wanted an abortion, then her family talked her out of it.
At this point, knowing the child may not be mine, that the ex lied to me, and send the nude photos to a guy friend of hers, I was freaking out. I distanced myself and needed my time to sort myself before deciding if I wanted to try to work things out with the ex. I told her we should be friends at least for the welfare of our child, if it's mine.. She asked if we'd get back together, and I told her I needed to sort myself out a bit, that today, no, but maybe later. She won't do a DNA test until after it's born, which I agree with, as the test now increases the chance, slightly, of miscarriage (.25%). Every other day we would get into fights where she would tell me anything from that she'd turn the kid against me, that I didn't want her or love her, that I hated her, that she hated me, not to talk to her, then would let me go to doctor appointments, or if she got upset would tell me not to go, then she'd tell me I could go -- it was a day by day roller coaster of h__l. I told her there's a chance it's not mine, but I'd like to be at the appointments in case it is. I've offered numerous times to help with the pregnancy, with appointments, anything she needs and she's thrown it back in my face, tell me she doesn't want anything from me. She's now on WIC, living with her mother, her father's side won't support her as they are old-school, her mother only let her move in because her sister threatened to alienate her mother (the ex and her mother didn't have a healthy relationship, at all).
She asked me out to lunch the other day, where for the week prior we were having some fights, but I was getting closer and she was hinting at still waiting for me, and I was giving it some serious thought that if she and I dived in together, and worked together, we could make something real out of this, as I do love this woman, as difficult as it is for me to speak that much of my emotions. When I went to lunch, she told me she'd been on a date with another guy, so I asked how it went, not caring that she's dating. In my mind, it is her personal time, we are not together, she can do as she pleases, so it did not upset me. Then she had to leave, a guy was picking her up to go get a few of our mutual friends and go to a movie. I jokingly asked if it was a double date, and she said no, that she's not interested in him and not dating him. I said okay, went back to work and she left with this guy. An hour later, one of the mutual friends asks me how I'm doing, so I ask if he's going to the movie; he didn't know anything about the movie, neither did the other two friends who were supposed to go. Apparently, she has been dating this other guy, and decided to lie to me about it.
I responded a bit too harsh. Like I said, I don't care that she's dating, it's her time. However, when she's hinting at getting back together with me, then lies to me to go spend time with him, after she's been dating him for a few weeks, it hit a nerve. I told her that I didn't feel like I could go to the doctor appointments, that I was ready to give her another try and she lied to me, showing me that again, I couldn't trust her. I asked her not to contact me until I had time to sort my emotions, that I had to get over her since I had just really opened myself up to the possibility and the emotions. She told me she never wanted me around, that she never wanted to get back with me, that I could be a father but never anything more to her, and I would have to take her to court, and that she lied to me because she didn't trust me (pot, kettle, black). She told me that she's always wanted me out of her life, and that I'm dead to her.
I regret saying no to doctor appointments, which I told her, with no response.
I've attempted to contact her since then, to re-enforce that if she needs anything for the pregnancy, I'm a phone call away, and I'd appreciate it if she only contacted me about the pregnancy and baby. That I'd like to be there. She has so far not responded to anything I've sent - I stopped attempting to contact her, as I know further communication will fuel her in pushing me away.
I'm at a loss, that while she's leading me on telling me she wanted to be with me, she was dating other people, sleeping with other people, then when I'm ready, she pushes me completely out of her life and takes everything away.
Here are my concerns, going forward:
1 - I'll have to hire a very expensive attorney, and in 6 months fight for custody
2 - She's dating and sleeping with guys at 3 months pregnant; I fear for the health of the child based on her actions.
3 - Her living situation with her mother is very fragile, and could end at any time
4 - Her new BF has no job, and cannot support her. The ex also has no job.
5 - She's on WIC, against my wishes when I offered to help her, fully knowing they will come after me for the moneys they provide to her.
6 - We each made mistakes, being an accidental pregnancy the first month of knowing one another (basically the first night we slept together, if it's mine). She said she was on BC (I was ignorant, and inebriated).
7 - She's currently going through anger management courses and alcohol testing due to being arrested for domestic assault against her ex-boyfriend. She also was arrested for shoplifting.
I have six months to go. To prepare for this, I've pulled in more side work, I've taken out a $1mil life insurance policy on myself, cut out my social life to focus on side work, and plan to have 15-30k in a savings account by the time the kid is born. I hit the gym every day to stay in shape, am paying down all of my debts as quickly as possible, and researching the best items I can get for my potential newborn, if I get to see it.. I'll have my attorney order a DNA test and make sure my rights as a father, if it's mine, are upheld. She's told me she wants sole custody; again, anything she can do to push me out of her life forever.
If she had not lied and left me, I would be marrying this person. An experience part of my mind is leaning that this rebound relationship she is in won't work, and when it ends, she will again come around and be angry at me for not being a part of the pregnancy or wanting her (when I wanted to be and was ready to try again). However, rational arguments won't work, she just gets even more angry which frustrates me. I feel as if my soul is being crushed by not being a part of the ultrasound appointments or knowing if it's a boy or a girl when all I want to do is be there and help in way I can, while not being dragged through the mud and abused.
So I'm wondering, from you was-or-currently-are pregnant women where you pushed the biological father away, is this lashing out due to the situation and her and I not being together; for her feeling bad about her choices and taking that anger out on me, and rebounding to this new guy as a way to replace or forget about me? She's 20 years old, almost 21, and 14 weeks pregnant now, so I don't know what to make of this and if I should just cease all contact and have attorneys handle it, or just wait and see if she calms and comes around so she and I can put effort into working things out together. I'm not dating, I'm not doing much of anything but working and saving money to prepare, while waiting to see what she does. Help me sort my mind, it's in a few different places and your feedback is very much appreciated. Like I said, I do love this person, and had she not left me and lied to me, knowing that it might not be my child, I would have still bee there with her, because of how I felt for her.
Any feedback is welcome.
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