Too Overbearing Sorry So Long
5 Replies
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Hi everyone. I just want to run some things by you all and get your opinion. I have heard some quiet talk behind my back with the family that I am too over bearing and protective of my daughter, to the point of compulsive and I have tried to shrug it off but then I catch myself thinking things that may seem like I am and I just need to see if this is normal or if I need to work on things. 1st, I barely ever put her down, I carry her all day and night, even if she falls asleep in my arms just because I like having her close to me. People say I will spoil her but its not that she cries to be held, she is content and happy no matter where I put her, it is ME that cant put her down. At night, I know that she should be sleeping in her crib but I cant bear the thought of putting her in a different room so I got a bassinet for my bedroom and I cant even put her in there. I have kicked her dad out to the couch and she sleeps with me in the bed. I wake up several times throughout the night just to look at her and make sure she is ok. Plus, she is 15 weeks and I have not yet (other than work) gone anywhere without her even though ppl say that it would be good for me to get a night away, but i simply dont want to! I practically threatened to quit my job until my boss agreed to let me work 2 days a week at home so I only have to be away from her for 3 days a week and even then I am having a hard time with it. The family does not seem to understand that we tried for 3 years before I finally got pregnant so there has been ALOT of hopes and dreams made for her and about her before she even got here and now that she is finally here, I cant get enough of her! Am I alone in this or is it normal to feel this way?
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| N - August 24 |
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oh honey.. i know how you feel. I don't think that you are being overbearing or anything like that.. but (please don't take offense.. this is only my own personal experience) take it easy. I was so much like that when my son was born.. i never put him down, he slept in our room until about four months old.. i didn't leave him for the first time (not work, not shopping.. nothing) until he was over three months. I found out when my son was about 8 months that i had made my life more work than fun. He had the WORST case of seperation anxiety EVER.. i couldn't even take a shower. My poor husband felt like our son didn't love him because he screamed bloody murder if i tried to leave him in a room alone with him. Even the first time i left him with my mother at 4 months, i ended up having to come home after being out for three hours because he wouldn't stop crying. I don't think there is a single thing wrong with what you're doing, or what i did.. but if i could change anything i would have definately shared the responsibility alot more.. So i guess, in short, my advice to you would be to make sure your husband is getting that quality time in too. I know how hard it is to leave your baby (trust me, i still have troubles) but the sooner you start, the easier it will get. (PS, in some cultures, mostly third world countries, babies don't learn to walk until they are two because mother's carry them in slings with them all day every day and studies have shown their children are the most content and well adjusted, despite their economic situations..)
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Hmmmmmm.... Overbearing isn't the right word here. I think you are afraid to leave her alone. For her sake and yours you will need to put some space between you and the baby certainly when it come to your husband. Sometimes when we become mothers we forget we are wives also. Putting your husband on the couch will put a strain on your relationship. Your husband will indeed feel left out. He is so a parent. You are taking over completely. He and your daughter also need bonding time. A girl needs her father as much as a boy. You need your husband also. Jordan slept in his ba__sinet next to me in the room for his first couple months. My husband also slept in the same room. When he and I need alone time. jordan with in his nursery. he is now 15 months and nothing happen to him. Please try to be open minded to what advice I'm about to give you. At the rate you are going. Your daughter will only depend on you. She need time to explore. Try putting her in a bouncer chair, swing. Let her have play time. Those play mats are great. Are you b___st-feeding? If not let dad sometime feed her. Believe me you are going to burn yourself out. You are a good loving mom. It is alright to hold her all you want. Just remember you need time for you. Even if its just a bubble bath when dad is home. just take the time. I honesty think your husband need to move back into the room. Let Jadyn sleep in her ba__sinet. Your husband will be happier. Soon she will be crawling and trying to do her own thing. I can understand wanting to protect your child but being overprotective can backfire. I personal don't think you can spoil a baby. I also held Jordan and Avery. You can't help it. I knew when it was time to let go..........Hugs sweetie
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I completely see your side. I just can not get enough of my baby. I love it when she wakes up in the middle of the night (though lately I have to just go to her because she isnt waking up, she is sleeping all night) just because she wants to be rocked. That is our favorite thing to do. I do agree that you might need a little time away, I am not saying that you need to leave her with someone else, but maybe just lay her down while she is sleeping and just read a book, or watch a movie. To get hubbie back to bed, try getting a bedside cosleeper, it is the same height as your bed so she is right there but dh can have his spot back. Then you are in the middle of your two favorite people! Amaya has started spending the night with her MiMi (my mother) one night a week. The first few nights were soooooo hard, but now it is nice. She goes there about 5 in the afternoon and comes home about noon the next day. Dont get me wrong, I miss her like crazy, but it is also nice to know that someone that cares and loves her just as much as I do is watching her. I do not think you will spoil her by holding her all day, just make sure she knows who daddy is, and also make sure she doesnt get behind physically (if it matters? not sure but I dont want you to get upset if your doctor says something ya know?!) like with crawling, walking, sitting, rolling, etc. Anyway, I completely understand, but if you do put just a small and I really mean small space between you and her your love will grow for her in ways you didnt even know was possible. One more question, where does she stay when you go to work? Do they have problems with her wanting to be held all day? I was just wondering... Good luck to you and precious Jadyn. By the way, I love her pics!
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You are not making your husband sound like a jerk. From my own experience with my husband, he seems to be just the same way! He holds the baby, but not long before he gives him back. My hubby says that he doesn't know how to hold Gabriel properly. Which is true, there are times when I feel like snatching the baby out of his dads arms, because his head isn't supported or he looks squished etc. Maybe (i dunno), your husband doesn't know what to do when he's got the baby in his arms, and is just to afraid or embara__sed to say so. My husband wont change diapers either, and we have a boy! He wont take the time to learn that task either! I know deep down he knows how, (its not rocket science) , but I think its just another one of those tasks that they think should be for moms to take care of. And not doing it at all seems nicer than saying " you do it, thats your job!" Maybe I'm wrong. But if your husband is anything like mine, kind of prehistoric about men and womens roles in the family, then chances are he'd rather leave the nurturing and child tasking up to you. I cant blame my husband for being like that, because he has a point, there is no love like a mothers love. Give your husband time, maybe when Jadyn gets bigger, then he will change and want to play with her more, and spend more time with her. I too agree with not letting Jadyn sleep in your bed. Could this be causing a little resentment on your husbands part, and maybe thats why he seems so distant from her? You need to get him back into your bed! Besides, a baby is alot safer when they sleep alone. ie; SIDS But, you can never hold or love your baby too much, or spend too much time together. A loved baby, is a healthy baby. And she is so darn cute, I bet its all you can do to not eat her up!
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There is nothing wrong with wanting to be close to your baby, but at some point, you will have to explore letting her sleep on her own and experiencing some time away from you. There is an appropriate time for such things and I do not think that at 15 weeks, you need to be made to feel that your baby should start feeling used to being away from you. She is still so young and is benefiting from your closeness to her. Tell the others to stop worrying and that there is a time and place for everything. Some day, Jadyn will get to spend an evening away from mommy, but it is not an important milestone for her right now. I want to join a large mom group, but sometimes they have a speaker and they expect you to leave your children with a paid caretaker in the group. I have refused and people think I am strange. Why would I leave my son with someone I have never met and could have potentially taken the job so they could walk off with my baby? Paranoia at its finest!! Oh well, I cannot be any other way. It is the job of a mother to worry about her baby. In my mind, everyone is a baby thief....
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